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Pine Ridge Pastoral Counseling Services, 504 E Fayette Street, Syracuse, NY (2026)

01/16/2026

SOME THOUGHTS ON MEN AND LISTENING

Over the years, I've found that it's difficult for men to listen to their wives, i.e., to really hear what she is trying say. Part of the problem is that men and women are psychologically different.

Fundamental differences

A fundamental difference in their emotional makeup creates misunderstanding. According to the Myers-Briggs Personality Type Indicator, 75% of men are, by nature, Ts (thinkers and problem solvers). On the other hand, 75% of women are Fs (primarily concerned with feelings and getting along).16 Personality Test, discover your personality type, gain insights into potential, interpersonal relationships and career development | 16PersonalityLab AI

These different character traits result in different understandings of what talking is for. That is, men listen for a problem. When women talk to their mates, they tend to express their emotions. Men seek to solve a problem while women want to be heard and connected to their partner. While men often assume that their mates want answers but their partners often really just want empathy. Becoming a Good Listener: From Advice Giving to Non-Anxious Listener | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY

You see how the wires get crossed. For example, after a man listens and offers what he thinks is a good suggestion, instead of being thanked, his wife accuses him of being controlling and of telling her what to do. Indeed, he didn't understand the upset she was feeling and jumped ahead to trying to solve her problem, even though she hadn't asked him to.

** (I am not suggesting that men are the only problem when it comes to having intimate communication. Often, women are not direct when they speak and don't explicitly say what they need. We'll take this up another time,)

Fortunately, most men are educable and can learn to decode indirect messages and find the underlying feeling tone. However, learning to be empathically present in conversation is more complicated than it\ first appears. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/he-speaks-she-speaks/201602/are-men-really-lousy-listeners

Here are some tips to help you learn to be a better, more empathic listener:

1) Listen for the emotional tone first.

The good news about becoming an empathic listener is that it's less work. Instead of always solving things, what is really needed is to relax and allow the other person to talk without interruption or criticism.

Even when asked a direct question, men must not be fooled. They need to hear the emotional context and respond to it first. For example, imagine a woman who returns home from the salon after having her hair done by a new stylist. She greets her husband and says, "How do I look ?"

Although this may look like a simple question or even a trivial attempt to fish for a compliment, most likely it's an indirect plea for reassurance that she is not hideous. Remember, in order to be helpful and supportive to your mate, you need to understand and connect with what she is feeling.

To connect, you don't even have to talk. Your body language, facial expression, and gentle sounds convey your caring and compassion for her experience.

2) If you don't understand what she wants, ask.

Another major problem for men is the macho notion that asking for help is a sign of weakness. Nonsense. When talking to your wife, if you're not sure whether she wants help with a problem or just wants to talk, ask her.

There is nothing wrong with being honest and direct with your mate. Be specific and describe your confusion or uncertainty. She won't think less of you for wanting clarification and doing so can prevent misunderstanding and conflicts. .

3) Admit your discomfort with your own emotions.

Being present in a non-anxious way, not just putting other thoughts out of your head and paying attention. Real empathy comes from being able to access and feel your own emotions, something many men are not familiar with or comfortable with.

If you have trouble accessing your feelings, hearing, and connecting emotionally with your mate won't be easy. Most men have not been raised to pay attention to their emotions.

Okay, don't pretend, start from where you are. An important step on the path to empathic listening is to admit and acknowledge the difficulty you have with your feelings.

From there, think about how emotions were expressed in your family growing up. Likewise, it'is helpful to recall your own history with difficult emotions. You can handle the pain. Many folks learned to avoid their feelings because of bad experiences they had as children.

Often, children have learned that it was not safe or acceptable to be with or reveal their feelings. Being aware of these experiences can increase your mindfulness and provide clues on how to learn to be more comfortable with your and your partner's feelings.

As you recall these times, remember you are an adult now and have more resources to deal with dystress than you did as a youngster.

4) Share your emotional history with your partner.

As you start to unpack your emotional journey,, share it with your partner and ask to know hers. It is important to understand if she has had emotional trauma, too. Unfortunately, partners' trauma can team up and trigger irrational and unpleasant exchanges.

Being aware of each other's pasts can help both of you understand each other better and find new ways to communicate.

5) If needed, seek professional help.

Sometimes, past trauma can make simple-sounding advice feel overwhelming. Talking to a therapist, either individually or conjointly, can make a big difference and transform difficult conversations into meaningful moments of connection.

_____________________________________________________________

Again, the good news for men is that, with a little practice, you can become a much better listener by developing new skills. Recognizing the possibility for improvement promotes hope, increases better communication, and deepens intimacy.

Rev. Michael Heath, LMHC. Fellow AAPC 1 15 2026

www.revmiichaleheath.com

01/07/2026

Okay, it’s the beginning of the new year and many folks are energized and filled with lots of good ideas and resolutions to improve their lives. Numerous studies show, however, that, despite good intentions, most plans for change fall apart in the first week . New Year’s Resolutions | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY

Don’t get me wrong; I believe that dramatic change is possible and worth the effort. But, from my 47 years of experience helping people to change, I have learned why many efforts to change fail. The Psychology Behind Why New Year’s Resolutions Fail

The typical cliches, like a person "didn't try hard enough" or that they lacked "willpower", miss the point. In fact, significant change is difficult. Significant change is complicated and influenced by unconscious factors. Indeed, unconscious conflicts are why so many of the self-help books don't work. It's not that their advice isn't sound; factors about which we are unaware, our factors interfere.

Most often, they don't work because changes we are aware of and want to make are tied to old conflicts we are unaware of. So, if one has had trouble reaching a life-change goal, some personal exploration beneath one's conscious surface will be necessary to succeed.

-- Think of an Iceberg

An image that helps conceptualize unconscious obstacles to change is an iceberg. There is much more to the challenge of changing below the water line than above it. Thus, it is necessary to look beneath the surface to fully understand both why efforts failed and what is necessary to succeed.

Some Questions to Help You Look Beneath the Surface

Since many people attempt to make changes with an inadequate understanding of the problems involved and without it is no wonder the success rate is so low. Here are some important questions that will help you peek below the surface if you want to increase your odds of succeeding:

Do you really want to change?

Seriously, I know that sometimes you may think that you want to change but , in fact, your real motivation may be that you think you ought to or have to change. Many people say they want to lose weight but if they are honest, they really don't.

And here is the thing: real change only happens when a person sincerely wants to change. Just because a person understands that making a change would be a good idea, or even necessary, does not mean the person really wants to change.

Research shows that trying to force yourself to do something that you really don’t want to do doesn’t work. Further, it often results in resentment, which could even make the issue that you’re trying to deal with worse.

Are there reasons not to change ?

So, before beginning, be honest with yourself. Pay attention to and address any conflicting or negative feelings you may have. We often try to do things we are not completely on board with. It is important to assess any reservations and not ignore them.

Is this a good time to make a significant change in your life ?

Just because a person wants to change doesn’t mean that all of the stars are properly aligned to do so. Timing is very important when making major life changes. Apart from individual desire, other factors such as time, money, health, etc., are also critical to success.

Having the patience to wait for the right time is an important factor when making major life changes. Real progress is rarely the result of an impulsive action or simply feeling in the mood. Instead, it is rather the result of sustained behavior over a long period of time.

Are there significant unresolved emotional obstacles that block the way to making changes ?

Apart from motivation and good timing, another important factor is unresolved psychological problems, which might obstruct or make a profound change more difficult.

The steps to breaking old bad habits or sustaining new, good ones are rational and straightforward. Implementing them, however, is not. It is crucial to understand and address the irrational obstacles that frustrate your goals .

For example, if a person wants to lose weight, the solution is obvious: eat less and exercise more. But if a person uses food to calm their anxiety, s/he must first figure out another way to deal with the anxiety,

How strong is your support network ?

Major lifestyle changes are rarely accomplished in isolation. Everyone needs support and encouragement. Doing it all by yourself rarely works. Thus, before beginning, make sure that your partner, friends, family, and a counselor, doctor, or other helping professionals are in place to support you along the way.

Seeing people change and improve their lives is a source of great satisfaction for me as a therapist. It is essential to understand that the desired behavioral change is just the tip of the iceberg. Understanding and addressing the complex labyrinth of emotional issues beneath the surface is the key to meaningful and lasting change.

Rev. Michael Heath, LMHC, Fellow AAPC 1/ 7/ 2026

www.revmichaelheath.com

12/15/2025

LEARNING FROM MARTHA - Tips for Reducing Holiday Stress

Over the past few years, it has become a custom at holiday times to reflect on the story of Mary and Martha (Luke 10:38-42). This story provides helpful insight to reduce the stress of family gatherings. Easing Holiday Stress | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY

Not surprisingly, modern stress management techniques utilize their timeless insights. Better Ways to Manage Your Holiday Stress | Psychology Today. In keeping with that tradition, I want to focus on Martha and show how her experience can help us to lower our level of anxiety and better deal with the stress that get-togethers can bring.

The Story

To refresh your memory, here is the text of Luke's timeless account of Martha's encounter with Jesus: "Now as they went on their way, he entered a village; and a woman named Martha received him into her house. 39 And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. 40

But Martha was distracted with much serving, and she went to him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me.” 41 But the Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things; 42 one thing is needful.[a] Mary has chosen the good portion, which shall not be taken away from her.”

Applying The Story to Our Lives

Even a quick review reveals the relevance of this brief but poignant story. The incident exposes a universal human dilemma, i.e., how quickly tension between family members can explode.

Although Martha was eager to please her guests, her distress and resentment toward her sister got the best of her. As a result, resentment led her to overlook the occasion's larger significance, to be angry with her sister, and to snap at Jesus.

Rather than examining family dynamics, however, I want to focus on how stress can distort our experience and behavior. Also, I want to highlight how Jesus responded to Martha's outburst. He did not react to her crossness in kind. Instead, he calmly identified her anxiety with compassion.

Both Martha's reaction and Jesus' response provide helpful clues for dealing with our stressful holiday situations.

Understanding the Anger

It is crucial to understand that Martha is a good woman. She was a woman of standing in the community and owned her own house. When she invited Jesus and his disciples into her home, I'm sure she intended to have a wonderful time with them. She didn't intend to lose it.

That said, anyone who has siblings knows how tense things can get out of hand. Apart from familial relationships, entertaining is complicated and attending to all of the details can become overwhelming. Martha's outburst to Jesus was an expression of her becoming overwhelmed.

Too often, we become critical of those who become over-stressed or of ourselves for not keeping it together. Thus, it's crucial to remember that anyone in the right circumstances can lose it. Keeping our emotional vulnerability in mind helps us to empathize rather than retaliate.

Dealing with Anger - First Calm Things Down

In response to Martha's anger, Jesus turns to her with understanding and compassion, calling her by name and identifying the real problem. When dealing with tense family situations, it is essential first to calm the situation.

Given that Luke's text is brief, one can trust that Jesus was compassionate when engaging Martha. I imagine he took her hand or hugged her to calm her distress.

When one experiences the love and acceptance of another person, it calms fears. Acceptance calms not only the emotional experience of panic but also shuts off the release of stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline.

Regaining Perspective

As we have written before, one of the problematic aspects of being human is that stress reactions in the limbic system can block our access to the reasonable part of our brain, the medial prefrontal cortex. And here is the good news: When the all-clear is felt, access to the human part of our brain is restored and perspective is regained.

Had Luke's narrative continued, I can imagine Martha breaking into tears and Jesus comforting her. Once calmed, I can see her apologizing for her unpleasant reaction. Likewise, I imagine that because of Jesus' loving compassion, emotions cooled and the gathering was redeemed.

It's important to realize that the ultimate takeaway from this story is positive. The reality of human nature is that bad situations can be redeemed with love and understanding.

When tempers flare, step back. Identify the stressors that are causing the problem. Remember, there is love underneath the frustration. These simple steps help keep matters from escalating.

After all, the point of holiday get-togethers is to celebrate the love, family and friends. It's ironic but true that sometimes, in the midst of family conflicts, it's difficult to remember the love that is felt.

Fortunately, even when things go south, they can be redeemed. With a little practice, you can learn to calm, step back, and reconnect with the love that you feel.

Happy Holidays!

The Rev. Michael Heath, LMHC, Fellow AAPC December 15, 2025

www.revmichaelheath.com

12/04/2025

THE INTENTIONAL SIGH .

Everyone knows what a sigh is. But, just in case you've never really thought about it, and to be clear, a sigh is a natural, involuntary occurrence that is expressed as an audible exhaling of the breath ... as in ahhh.

Typically, sighs express either exhaustion, sadness, or relief. Whatever the feeling, there is a physical release and a sensation of relaxation. And that is the point. Today, I want to talk about intentional sighing and how it can provide immediate stress relief in moments of emotional duress or panic.

Of course, there are a variety of breathing exercises used to manage stress and anxiety, https://revmichaelheath.com/tips-for-panic/ Some of them are complicated and or require being in a quiet space to do them. An important advantage of the intentional sigh is its simplicity and that it can be used anywhere at any time.

How to do an intentional sigh ?

An intentional sigh is sometimes called the physiological sigh. It is like a natural sigh except you can choose (intend) to employ when it's needed. The Science of Physiological Sigh: Insights from Huberman Lab - PsychSolutions, Inc - Therapy In Edmonton, AB T5M 4C9

To do an intentional sigh, all you have to do is take 2 quick breaths followed by a long exhale. That's it!

When to employ an intentional sigh ?

The key to the effectiveness of the intentional sigh is timing. You focus on your breathing as soon as you recognize that you are becoming upset. Becoming aware of brewing upsets starts with paying attention to muscular tension in your body.

Often, physical reaction precedes feeling stressed. For example, some folks will express stress as muscular tension in their chest or stomach area. Others may feel tightness in their shoulders or lower back. Still others may experience headaches or a clenching of their jaw or fist.

Wherever you feel the tension, you can learn to interpret the sensations as a stress alarm sounding. At this time, the alarm can remind you of your stress response and remind you to take an intentional breath.

In addition to learning how to short-circuit emotional overload, it's also helpful to understand what happens in our bodies when we feel stressed.

The basics of emotional stress ?

Emotional stress is a dysphoric response to a disappointment or perceived threat. It is experienced with feelings of anger, fear, anxiety or depression.

Every day life involves dealing with some stressors, but stress becomes a serious problem when it persists unabated and is compounded by multiple factors. If not treated, stress can lead to not only emotional disorders but also physical ones.

Here is how our brain processes stress and creates our emotional responses to it.

Our limbic system

While we tend to think of our brain as the medial prefrontal cortex, which is the center of our personal awareness and the part that allows us to think and create,

While true, our brain is also made up of a more primitive neurological network called the limbic system. The limbic system is a complex system of nerves near the edge of the cortex, concerned with instinct and mood. It controls the basic emotions (fear, pleasure, anger) and drives (hunger, s*x, dominance, care of offspring). what is the limbic system - Google Search

The limbic system operates outside of our consciousness. For example, it keeps us alive by telling our heart to beat and our lungs to breathe, as well as our stomach and intestines to digest food.

The Amygdala and Autonomic Nervous System

The crucial parts of the limbic system that influence our emotions and reactions to stress are the amygdala and the autonomic nervous system (ANS). They work in tandem to scan for danger throughout our five senses. When detected, the amygdala sounds the alarm. Likewise, the sympathetic branch of the ANS swings into action, preparing the body for a fight-or-flight response.

In addition to making the conscious brain aware of the threat, the amygdala generates the emotions of fear and anxiety, and the ANS releases the stress hormones of Adrenaline and Cortisol. The hormones increase blood flow, strength, and suppress pain.

Physically, the experience of fear and or anxiety changes breathing patterns. Respiration becomes rapid, shallow, and not fully exhaled.

Think of someone who is panicked or startled. Unlike a slow, relaxed sigh, stressed breathing is like a startled gasp wherein more air is taken in. The increase in oxygen, which results from rapid, deep breathing, optimizes the fight-or-flight response.

The Parasympathetic Nervous System

The intentional sigh is a function of the other branch of the ANS, the parasympathetic system. In contrast to the sympathetic system, which amps up the body, the parasympathetic system calms it down. Exhaling engages the parasympathetic nervous system and gives the all-clear, which in turn shuts off the release of the stress hormones.

______________________________________________________________

While not magic, the intentional sight can provide an essential interruption for someone on the verge of "losing" it. This break can allow for a shift to a more mindful perspective, which may then employ other stress relief practices.

Breaking the panic cycle can prevent serious emotional dysregulation and inappropriate reactions and help a person to self-regulate and regain self-control.

Rev. Michael Heath, LMHC, Fellow AAPC December 4, 2025

www.revmichaelheath.com

11/14/2025

MASCULINITY IN CRISIS: A REASONABLE RESPONSE

With the government shutdown finally resolved, other important issues are emerging. Of special concern is the quiet crisis among many young men regarding masculinity and what it means to be a man. Men and masculinity | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY

To date, responses are polarized, either demonizing men on one hand or doubling down on traditional machismo. There is a better way suggested by a professor and a governor.

Professor Scott Galloway's new book Notes on Being a Man and Democratic Governor Gavin Newsom's recent criticisms of his own party for "walking away" from men suggest a more reasonable alternative. Gavin Newsom says Democratic Party 'walked away' from masculinity crisis | Fox News

Some Background

The crisis with masculinity is a dilemma: How can men be men without being toxic to women? The term toxic masculinity arose in the wake of high-profile s*x abuse trials involving the likes of Bill Cosby and Jeffrey Epstein. What is Toxic Masculinity and How it Impacts Mental Health

The me too.Movement impacted young men differently. For some, it expanded their self-awareness and motivated more respectful behavior toward women,

For others, however, the effect was negative. Multiple studies reveal that it contributed to a number of serious problems, including: Alienation, Rage, Declining Performance, Increasing Clinical Depression and Su***de. (Amanpour and Company | Scott Galloway Sounds the Alarm on the Crisis Facing Young Men | Season 2025 | PBS)

Social/Political Responses

In response, there have been two reactions with opposite perspectives.

From the Left

From the left, social and political progressives have not been helpful. By and large, they have condemned traditional male characteristics and adopted a predominantly feminist perspective. Likewise, their lack of empathy failed to provide any constructive solutions to change the situation. Liberal society has failed young men - New Statesman

From the Right

In general, political conservatives have tended to minimize the harm of abusive men and were supportive of men, casting them as the victims of "toxic feminism".Toxic Feminism in the World of Victimhood – Concerned Women for America. Besides politicians, a number of groups have emerged to provide support for estranged men.

Incels

For some time, INCELS (involuntarily celibate) are alienated men who are hostile to feminism, blaming them for their inability to find loving and intimate relationships.

Indeed, young men are having less s*x. Studies show that a high percentage of them haven't had s*x in over a year. S*xless America: Young Adults Are Having Less S*x | Institute for Family Studies

As a group, INCELS exhibit not only a sense of alienation but, overall, very poor self-esteem and a poor level of mental health. The mental well-being of involuntary celibates - ScienceDirect

Turning Point

The late Charlie Kirk's Turning Point USA drew millions of followers, in part, because it responded to men's sense of alienation. While feeling their pain, he also understood their anger as he attacked progressives' "over-feminization" of men. Kirk emphasized traditional biblical images of men as being the strong heads of the family. Likewise, he attacked feminism and promoted the submission of women to men.

Groypers

Nick Fuetes and the Groypers validated young men's anger and expressed their rage at women, society and government. Like Kirk, they criticize feminists for wanting to soften men and deny them their essential nature. Who Are the ‘Groypers’? - The New York Times

A Third Option: Understanding Masculinity in a New Key

In addition to the liberal and conservative approaches, there is a third alternative. It involves empathizing with young men's experience but also casting masculinity in a non-abusive way.

It is possible, in fact, it is necessary to denounce abusive s*xual behavior without condemning men as a gender. Further, it is crucial to show them how to feel good about themselves as men.

Scott Galloway

Recently, Professor Scott Galloway, in his book Notes on Being a Man, expressed concerns of both the left and right. He is deeply aware of young men's plight, and he affirms the traditional notions of masculinity, but in a different way.

The traditional traits of strength, power, and leadership are virtues when expressed in the context of protective responsibility. Authentic masculinity must be used in the service of others, i.e., to provide for and protect families, community, nation, and planet, and not simply selfishly. Amazon.com : scott galloway notes on being a man

Galloway offers a positive approach for men to reclaim their masculine identity without its traditionally abusive tendencies.

Gavin Newsom

To make meaningful progress to decrease s*xual violence against women, there must be a political/institutional component. Governor Gavin Newsom's criticism of Democrats for abandoning men provides a wake-up call for his party. He is urging them to make the masculinity crisis a priority in their legislative goals. Without saying so explicitly, I believe that Gov. Newsom was calling for a Title IX-style initiative for men.

Such educational programs could teach responsible s*xuality and the obligation for men to use their power and strength not only for their own desires but also for protecting others.

In this light, Professor Galloway, Gov. Newsom and even Charlie Kirk agree. With this reasonable approach that avoids either extreme, men can be supported, abusiveness can be reduced, and traditional masculine values can be affirmed, but without brutality or abusiveness.

Rev. Michael Heath, LMHC, Fellow A.A.P.C. November 14, 2025

www.revmichaelheath.com

11/02/2025

HOW TO TALK TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT S*X WITHOUT SHAMING THEM

Recently, I wrote about the history of Church's hostile attitude toward s*x. Sadly , one unfortunate consequence of its antipathy is the negative impact that it's had on parents' ability to talk rationally about s*x with their children.

Frankly, many parents just don't know how to talk to their kids about s*x without shaming them.
As I look back on my 50 years as an educator, minister, and psychotherapist/marriage counselor, the biggest obstacle to talking honestly about s*x is guilt and shame. shame | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY

To be clear, shame is not simply feeling guilty over doing something wrong. Shame is a much deeper sense of humiliation. Shame is not simply feeling bad about something you did; it involves a negative sense of self. Folks who feel shame about s*x believe that something is fundamentally wrong with them. The worry is often a false belief that their thoughts or feelings about s*x are abnormal or even perverted.

S*xual shame and embarrassment begin in childhood.

The s*xual shame that many people feel is due to several factors, such as unrealistic expectations and false information. These erroneous beliefs also include feelings of embarrassment, which make it difficult to talk about it.

Almost to a person, the false guilt and shame stemmed from negative experiences in childhood. Beyond false information, shame stemmed from believing that the very topic of s*x was forbidden. Many children were raised to think that any curiosity or interest in s*x was wrong.

Even when parents did not promote false beliefs, their reluctance to talk openly sent the implicit message that nice people did not talk about such things. In addition to Christianity's negative influence, the omnipresence of internet po*******hy complicates the problem even further. Why Is It so Hard to Talk About S*x? | Psychology Today

Fortunately, there are many good resources available to help individuals and couples overcome their false sense of guilt and gain more accurate information. Nonetheless, parents must tackle the issue to protect their children from unnecessary shame and this won't be easy
For parents to talk to their children about s*x without shaming them, they will need to acknowledge their own s*xual hang-ups. The good news is that vanquishing negative feelings about s*x is not as formidable as it sounds. In addition, the effort brings a great sense of relief.

Here are some tips and myth-busters to get you started down the road to feeling better about s*x, yourself, and talking honestly about it all with your children:

1. Be an Askable Parent.

Saul Gordon, the human s*xuality professor at Syracuse University, used to stress the importance of being non-judgmental when talking to children about complex issues. Full article: Leaders in the History of Clinical Child and Adolescent Psychology Past Presidents Series: Sol Gordon (1970–1971) His concern is relevant because many kids will tell you that they don't speak honestly with their parents for fear of how their parents will react, i.e, with anger and condemnation.

To be askable, a parent must learn to respond to their children's concerns with understanding rather than judgment. Remembering what it was like to be their age and putting yourself in their shoes goes a long way toward expressing the empathy and acceptance children need.

Likewise, being an askable parent means that no topic is off-limits. Askable parenting can go a long way to help children understand and accept their s*xuality.

2. Curiosity is a good thing.

It is incredible to me how negative attitudes about s*x can squelch a child's natural curiosity. I myself experienced a nasty incident when I was in my hometown library at age 9 or 10. Encouraged by a friend to check out a National Geographic magazine featuring a bare-breasted African woman, a scolding librarian confronted me.

"Why would you look at such filth?" she demanded, wagging her disapproving index finger at me. Obviously, she felt that healthy little boys had no reason to be curious about the female anatomy. Fortunately, I told my mother about this and she wiped away all sense of guilt from my thoughts.

When one is not shamed by s*x, they understand that being curious about it and wanting to learn and discuss what they know is not only normal but is positive, as wanting to learn about any other topic in science, history, or music, etc.

3. Ma********on (apart from religious beliefs) is not unhealthy either physically or mentally.

Ma********on is probably the most sensitive and guilt-ridden s*xual topic. Although some of the old myths, e.g., causing mental illness and blindness, have quieted down, ma********on is still a source of guilt and discomfort for many.

Not surprisingly, many parents are still confused and conflicted about how to talk about it. Many are caught up in their own guilt, which prevents them from reassuring their kids that it's normal and nothing to worry about. On the positive side, medical research demonstrates that frequent ej*******on lowers a man's risk for prostate cancer. Ej*******on frequency and prostate cancer - Harvard Health

4. Don't worry about starting conversations too early.

Many parents wonder and worry about when it's the right time to talk about s*x. If you pay attention, your kids will let you know. They may look embarrassed or upset. When you spot it, respond with compassion and acceptance.

When you come across such a moment, it is okay to open the conversation with a comment or observation. Sharing a similar personal experience is a good way to break the ice. Likewise, gently asking them how they feel and reassuring them not to worry creates a sense that it's safe to talk honestly.

5. Don't project your hang-ups onto them.

Parents need to realize that their job is to help their child learn and grow, based on their child's needs, not their own. Indeed, many negative experiences that kids received from their parents came from the parents' own traumatic or unresolved issues with s*x.

The best way to avoid dumping your stuff onto them is to listen before responding. Also, be mindful of the way you talk about s*x to your kids. Notice the volume and tone of your voice.

Notice sensations and tension in your own body. Are you being critical or judgmental? Do any of the topics trigger you? If so, it is okay to admit it and even apologize. Being real with your children
about your own unfinished stuff is powerful and bonding. It builds trust in your relationship.

When you do talk with your kids about s*x, be mindful of your own past experiences and biases. A little parental self-reflection can go a long way to making talking about s*x a positive experience for both you and your children. As always, if you need help, reach out to a family therapist.

Rev. MIchaal Heath, LMHC, Fellow A.A.P.C. 11 02 2025

www.revmichaelheath.com

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