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http://www.revmichaelheath.com/

Pine Ridge Pastoral Counseling Services, 504 E Fayette Street, Syracuse, NY (2026)

04/16/2026

AGEISM AND THE STIGMA OF SENIOR S*XUALITY

Recently, I attended a workshop about s*xual well-being for seniors, and it was a real eye-opener. Although my practice specializes in human s*xuality, I was surprised to learn just how much the healthcare system fails older folks when it comes to s*x. Neglect in attending to their s*xual needs increases their risk of both physical and emotional disorders. . Here are some things to think about:

Senior Citizens: A Growing Population

For those who wonder why be concerned about seniors, it is important to understand that their population is growing. Currently, almost 1 in 5 are over 65 and 1 in 4 is over 60. In terms of numbers, there are over 86 million Americans aged 65 or older. Get the Facts on Older Americans. Given this trend, the number of folks affected by the problem will only increase

AGEISM

Let's face it, our youth-oriented culture is ageist, especially when it comes to s*x. Ageism is a stereotypical discrimination toward individuals based solely on advanced age. For example, seniors are often believed to be as*xual, because they're "just "too old.

Ageism also involves more than individual discrimination. It also affects physician education and institutional structures. Indeed, many medical school curricula often make learning about the s*xual well-being of older folks optional.

Even worse, Institutions fail to provide policies or structures that allow or promote physical intimacy for their residents. Many assisted living facilities do not recognize the s*xual rights of their older residents and actively discourage any s*xual behaviors by separating residents who pair off.

Sadly, many nursing homes do not provide basic safe-s*x information or encourage them to get help with s*x-related problems. Not surprisingly, senior citizen facilities report high rates of HIV and other s*xually transmitted infections.

S*xual Stigma

S*xual stigma is another aspect of ageism. While many folks feel embarrassed about s*x, what seniors experience goes way beyond embarrassment. To be clear, stigma is a profound, unfair mark of disapproval or shame imposed on individuals by society due to specific attributes like health conditions, behaviors, or appearance.

This stigma permeates not only younger people's attitudes but also healthcare professionals' as well. Not only are doctors poorly trained regarding geriatric s*xuality but many express emotional discomfort with the subject and thus are not emotionally supportive to their older patients, Don’t ask, don’t tell: Silence in the medical encounter when s*xual problems, aging, and health conditions meet | British Geriatrics Society

Sadly, ageism and s*xual stigma not only affect seniors' healthcare, but also their sense of their s*xual legitimacy. Often, disapproval and shaming from others result in an internalized guilt and disgust about their natural wants and desires. As a result, many older folks fail to seek help for s*xual issues, and, often, health care providers don't inquire about s*x-related concerns during regular check-ups.

For example, less than 40% of elderly women talk to their doctors about s*xual concerns and less than 25% of men do. Studies reveal that s*xual stigma even occurs in the doctor's office, Bottom line: many suffer in silence and go without effective treatment.

The Historical Context of S*xual Stigma

For those who wonder where all of this negativity came from, the answer is obvious. Most Americans of whatever age have always had a problem with s*x. Frankly, Christianity was a major factor in creating what has been called our culture's erotophobia. Erotophobia

From its inception, the church struggled with s*x. Early Christians believed that Christ's Second Coming would spiritualize life and eliminate all of the problems of the flesh. ( "In Christ there is no male or female" Gal. 3.28,) But that didn't happen, and early church leaders, who lived in a time of Roman s*xual depravity, did not know what to do with s*x, specifically s*xual pleasure.

Unfortunately, the dominant church leader, the Bishop of Hippo, St Augustine, declared s*xual pleasure (lust) sinful. Of the Good of Marriage (De bono coniugali, c. 401) and On Marriage and Concupiscence (De nuptiis et concupiscentia, c. 419). **

Although the church accepted s*x, it was only under strict limitations, i.e., between husband and wife, and for the purpose of having a child. The implications for the elderly are obvious and explain why the church ignored the s*xual issues of the elderly.

What Needs to be Done
Raise Public Awareness about S*xual Ageism

Much of the ageist attitudes toward seniors and s*x stem from the persistent myth that s*xual feelings fade away with age. In fact, given good emotional, physical, and relational health, it doesn't. Accurate information can push out false ideas and beliefs.

75% of couples aged 64 report having regular s*x. Likewise, 55% at 74 and 25% at age 85. Health, more than age, determines one's experience of s*x. In fact, given good health, s*x is a lifelong entitlement. Of course, the physical effects of aging influence s*xual experience but they do not eliminate it. S*xuality and Intimacy in Older Adults | National Institute on Aging

Going forward, we need to provide accurate information by expanding s*x education programs to include aging issues.

Update our Understanding of S*x and S*xuality

Another crucial update is to change how we understand s*x. It is more than something we do; s*xuality is also part of who we are. Rather than viewing s*x as a peripheral aspect of life, s*xuality needs to be understood as an integral part of one's identity. Likewise, the lifelong aspect of s*xual desire needs to be emphasized.

Ussuage Guilt/Shame and Endorse S*x Positivity

Most s*xual guilt and shame can be overcome by reminding folks that s*xual feelings are normal and nothing to feel bad about. Guilt and shame need to be explained as the consequence of false and abusive negative beliefs and undeserved condemnation. Folks need to know that thoughts and behaviors, like fantasies and ma********on, are completely normal and healthy. S*X & SHAME | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY

Advocate for Mandatory S*x and Aging Training for All Healthcare Professionals

Professional health organizations, as well as state and federal licensing agencies, need to step up their requirements to include adequate training in the areas of s*x and aging.

Advocate for Senior S*xual Rights

Seniors need reassurance about the legitimacy of their s*xuality and their right to express it. Likewise, they need to be encouraged to assert their s*xual needs and seek help when they are having problems.S*xual Rights For Seniors | American S*xual Health Association

Finally, senior living facilities need to change and accept that their residents are s*xual people. They need to abandon puritanical attitudes that allow s*x only between married couples.

To end on a positive note, change is slow, but it can happen. Over 30 years ago, in 1995, the Hebrew Home in Riverdale, New York, established what’s recognized as the nation’s first S*xual Expression policy for residents of a retirement community. Let's keep the ball rolling.

Rev. Michael Heath, LMHC, Fellow, AAPC 4 15 2026

www.revmichaelheath.com

04/03/2026

INTIMATE LISTENING : 101

"Why can't s/he just listen to me ? " is a common complaint I hear regularly from couples. Over the years, men have been criticized a lot for jumping in with solutions to problems rather than taking the time to listen to what their wives were trying to express. Indeed, I've even written about how men need to listen to feelings more and hold off on trying to fix problems. On Men and Listening | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY

While often true, it's important to understand that men are not the sole cause of communication problems in intimate relationships. The skills needed for folks to understand each other apply to both men and women. Unfortunately, we don't teach these skills in school. As a result, unnecessary misunderstandings occur.

Intimate Communication

Before reviewing basic listening skills, it's important to clarify what intimate communication entails. Intimate communication differs from everyday conversation because emotions change the meaning of the words.

For example, when I go to the bank and ask the teller to make a withdrawal, the crucial meaning of the transaction is the exact amount I wish to receive. How I'm feeling when I make the request does not impact what I am trying to convey.

Not so with marital banter. Consider when a wife comes home from a hair appointment with a new stylist and asks her husband, "How do I look ?"

The meaning of her comment depends on what she is feeling. Is she pleased, unsure or horrified ?.Intimate listening decodes or translates literal communication to discover the underlying feeling tone. Understanding what a partner is saying is about hearing 1) what the person is feeling and 2)_what they want. Characteristics of Effective Listening | Chicago Center for Teaching and Learning | The University of Chicago.

Here are some tips that will help you hear the underlying emotion in your partner's communication.

Intimate Listening Essentials

1) Being present.

To begin a conversation, both parties need to be available and willing to talk and listen. Sometimes folks just start talking without checking whether their partner is available or willing. The listener must put everything else aside. (e.g., phones, computers, TV) t to be present.

2) Listen for the underlying emotion.

Intimate listening or empathy means hearing a speaker's emotional subtext. It means knowing what the person is feeling as much as what they are saying. In addition to understanding the meaning of the words, a good listener also asks themselves, "What are they feeling?"

Emotional attunement conveys more than understanding; it also conveys acceptance. Acceptance creates a safe space that allows the speaker to be vulnerable. Express empathy with encouraging words and sounds, as well as by simple nodding and other supportive body language.

3) Be aware of voice tone and other non-verbal clues.

A good way to pick up on a person's emotional subtext is to pay attention to nonverbal cues. Their tone of voice, volume, facial expressions, and body language reveal what they feel.

4) Be emotionally regulated, not impulsively reactive.

In addition to being empathetic and being aware of the speaker's emotions, a good listener must also be mindful and in control of their own emotional state. To convey safety, one must suspend the impulse to criticize, evaluate, or jump to solutions. It involves resisting the urge to "fix" the problem immediately and instead creating a non-threatening space for vulnerability.

5) Don't assume you got it; confirm your understanding of what you heard.

Assumptions often mess up good communication. Therefor checkout your understanding with the person who spoke. Rephrasing or repeating back what you heard is a good way to confirm that you got it right. Mirroring back also reassures lets the speaker that they were truly heard.

Likewise, if you didn't get it, ask questions. In addition to helping you, asking questions can help the speaker to clarify what may not have been clear to them.

6) Be patient and allow silence.

Maybe the most difficult challenge of intimate listing is patience in the wake of awkward silence. Nonetheless, giving the speaker time to articulate their thoughts without interrupting or rushing to fill the silence is vital. Often, the important thoughts come out after a pause.

*****

One final thought. Understanding your partner at a deep level is a challenge that does not occur naturally. It takes effort and practice and patience. Progress happens little by little and not in one fell swoop. That said, achieving good communication with one's mate is worth the investment.

While sometimes miscommunication can be discouraging, don't give up. Each lapse of understanding, with effort, can lead to deeper knowledge and greater intimacy.

Rev. Michael Heath, LMHC, Fellow AAPC 4 3 2026

www.revmichaelheath.com

03/15/2026

The Importance of Finding Joy with Your Kids

Recently, my wife and I went on vacation. Since our usual spot was closed for renovations, we decided to book a nearby resort. Unlike previous getaways, this place was not adult-only. Initially, I was somewhat concerned about what that would be like.

Fortunately, my worries were quickly assuaged, and I was happily surprised. Indeed, what I discovered was the wonderful experience of watching parents taking pleasure in playing with their children.

It was touching to see the delight on a dad's face as he tossed a ball to his son in the pool. Likewise, I got a kick out of listening to the laughter of children splashing together with their mom in the ocean.

With that discovery in mind, here is why delighting in and finding joy with your children is important for both them and you.

-- The Joy of Children in Historical/Cultural Context

Although encouraging parents to enjoy their children may sound obvious, sadly, many do not. Many families are stressed by financial worries or preoccupation with work. Valuing and finding time for play is often a low priority.

Historically, in America, due to high mortality rates, cultural bias, and economic stress, parents were not encouraged to be overly affectionate or close to their kids. Without reliable birth control, children were often viewed as a burden, as just another mouth to feed.

Following the Great Depression and into the 1950's, concern for disciplining and not "spoiling" a child dominated popular attitudes toward child rearing.

In talking with adults who were raised in the past decades, it is clear that mom and dad's stern attitudes left their mark. Many felt that the lack of joyful interactions communicated their parents' disappointment or even dislike.

Research reveals that repeated non-approving looks given to children are traumatic. Not seeing delight in a parent's eyes can create a negative core belief that influences a child into adulthood. (Negative Core Beliefs | CPTSDfoundation.org)

Since the social revolution of the 60's, however, a new attitude toward child-rearing has emerged. It emphasizes showing interest in and talking with a child rather than simply demanding obedience.

To be clear, although our culture tends to value work over play, research shows that play is not a luxury. Play is essential on many levels. It nurtures a child's healthy development, offers a pleasant way for parents to manage stress, and builds strong family ties.

-- Defining Play

Some folks are so work-oriented that they may not even understand what it is to play. Play is defined as engaging in any activity for sheer enjoyment and recreation rather than for a serious or practical purpose.

With this in mind, parents can learn a lot by watching their kids. This belief is not new. Consider Matthew 18:3 & Mark 10:15: Jesus teaches that to enter the kingdom, one must "turn and become like children" or "receive the kingdom of God like a child." Translated: we must let go of our anxiety to experience the fullness of life.

-- Play and a Child's Self-Esteem

Research shows that feeling loved and having positive self-esteem come from seeing the delight in a parent's eyes. The Importance of Delighting in Our Children - Kindred Tree Healing Center. When parents enjoy playing with their kids, both see the delight in each other's eyes. Not surprisingly, the opposite is true when anger is expressed.

Parents don't have to be perfect, but for their children to develop healthy self-esteem, they need special moments of unrestricted love and joy from mom or dad. (The Benefits of Playing with your Child | Johns Hopkins Medicine)

-- Play and Stress Management

While parenting can be demanding, remembering to play with your kids is also a good way to manage stress. We have written before about the importance of conscious, non-demand neural activity.

Non-demand neural activity is a fancy way of describing any activity that puts aside worries and cares. Play just frolics in the moment for no reason. Just being with and enjoying your child is a good way to give your brain a break.

Beyond that, play, like meditation and other relaxation techniques, allows the brain to repair neural pathways damaged by stress.

-- Play and Building Family Ties

Many studies have lamented the breakdown of family ties and the increasing sense of social isolation. (US trends in social isolation, social engagement, and companionship ⎯ nationally and by age, s*x, race/ethnicity, family income, and work hours, 2003–2020 - PMC)

While we can't reverse technology or many other socially isolating aspects of our culture, there are things we can do to strengthen the bonds between parent and child. Parents need to remember how powerful it is to give a child genuine expressions of love and joy.

The power of a warm smile or laugh can create a positive belief that can not only last a lifetime but also buffer the pain of disappointment, adversity and loneliness.

_________________________________________________________________

So, if you are a parent stressed by life and kids, don't forget to make time to play with them. While we can't turn back the clock or return to the mythical times of Leave it to Beaver, we can be mindful and add more play to our lives for ourselves and our kids. (Leave it to Beaver | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY)

For starters, ask yourself, when was the last time you just played catch with your child or took them to lunch ? Find some time for both yourself and them. You'll and they will be glad you did.

Rev. Michael Heath, LMHC, Fellow AAPC 3 15 2026

www.revmichaelheath.com

03/02/2026

DEALING WITH "TRUMP DERANGEMENT SYNDROME".

Feeling stressed because of upsetting headlines in the news is nothing new. Over the years, I've written about how to deal with numerous distressing media reports. Things like COVID-19, school shootings, and economic woes triggered panicked phone calls from folks seeking relief in counseling. (TIPS FOR PANIC | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY)

More recently, the phones are ringing, especially because of things like ICE's brutality, the Minneapolis shootings, and the withheld Epstein files. That said, something about these calls is different. Instead of an issue, folks express anger at Donald Trump. Not surprisingly, the most recent attack on Iran also spiked panicked calls

Ever since 2015, Republicans have labeled anxious reactions to Trump as "Trump Derangement Syndrome" (TDS).(Who is credited with coining the phrase 'Trump derangement syndrome' (TDS) by Republicans, and why has it gained popularity among pundits, politicians, and others in recent years? - Quora.) This pseudoscientific perjorative refers to a condition where a person is obsessed and fearful of Donald Trump. (To be clear, the authoritative Diagnostic and Statistical Manual does not recognize this phenomenon as a psychological disorder.)

My concern today is to stress that to be obsessed, i.e., to be worried about disturbing Trump's actions, is not necessarily pathological. Quite opposite. Under certain unusually dangerous conditions, not being obsessed is a state of denial. The difference between an unhealthy and healthy obsession is simple. Unhealthy obsessions are stuck and do not produce results. healthy ones, do.

Therefore, given the number of distressed calls, I think it is helpful to understand how healthy obsessions function. I then want to offer some tips for dealing with them.

Obsessions and Anxiety

Although counterintuitive, an obsession makes overwhelming anxiety manageable. Intrusive and unwanted thoughts serve to define and narrow an amorphous dread. An obsession focuses on the problem, making it manageable. In doing so, it provides understanding and a sense of control. This sense of control calms the experience of panic and being overwhelmed.

Please understand that the object of obsession, however, is not the problem. It provides a sense of control to distract one from the unsettling reality, which may, in fact, be beyond their control. For example, in Melville's Moby Dick, Capt. Ahab is obsessed with killing the white whale that took his leg. His obsession distracted him from the existential terror of the tragedy of his loss and the ultimate meaninglessness of life.

With respect to TDS, the president is the obsessive object that draws attention to the perceived failings of one person rather than to the underlying problem, i.e., an increasingly polarized electorate, sharply divided over Issues like human rights, climate change, and attacks on science.

Above all, I want to stress that good people can disagree about politics, just as they can about anything else, and just because you disagree doesn't mean one of you must be crazy. In light of so many disagreements, fear is not necessarily a psychological disorder. It can also be a healthy reaction to a perceived threat. For some, the feared reality is that America is losing its way and it is no longer a force for good in the world ?

Tips for Dealing with Increased Political Anxiety
-- Be Mindful of your own History of Trauma and Anxiety

As with all intense reactions, it is important to put your reaction in context. Check out your own personal history with anxiety and reality-test your fears. It is important to identify exaggerations and over-reactions and accurately assess the source of the threat; is it primarily from the present or the past? In doing so, one may assess if one's reaction is rational or distorted.

-- Accept that Your Worry is Rational and the Threat is Real

After reality-testing your fears, look at the data. You need to trust not only your gut but also search for the facts. The extraordinary event of our time can sometimes make us wonder whether we are being irrational. Fortunately, there is reliable data to support you. Many historians and presidential scholars agree that Donald Trump's presidency is concerning. (Biden vs. Trump is not a close call in historians' Presidents Day survey : NPR}

-- Limit Your Exposure to the Media

While it's important to stay informed, don't overdo it. It is easy to get hooked on reports that can bring you down emotionally. Likewise, monitor how you're feeling while listening to the news. If you start to feel upset or angry, change the channel or turn it off. Too much exposure to provocative material not onlymake you feel bad but also corrupts your ability to think clearly and calmly.

-- Join Together with Like-Minded Souls

Confronting evil is not only difficult, but it is also exhausting and taxing on our mental health. Given the powerful forces, it is easy to become overwhelmed and discouraged. Therefore, don't go it alone. Connect with others who share your concerns and are willing to protest to make their voices heard.

You will be pleasantly surprised by how good and self-affirming it feels to be and talk with others who are working for the same goals. You will realize you are not alone and your concerns are shared by others. Fortunately, the internet makes it easy to find like-minded groups and activities. Getting together to demonstrate your beliefs not only sends a message to politicians but also uplifts and invigorates your spirit.

-- Do What You Can Do: Support Local Candidates and Vote.

Although the challenge is great, there are things you can do to make a difference. Work for good candidates and in November, go to the polls and vote. Working together with others to restore moral government will help you cope with stress and ensure a better future for our nation.

Rev. Michael Heath, LMHC, Fellow AAPC 3 2 2026

www.revmichaelheath.com

02/16/2026

Some Post-Valentines Day Thoughts on Mature Love

Even though Valentine's Day is past, it's not too late to think about love; it is an opportunity to go beyond the hearts and flowers of the holiday and consider love's deeper significance.

As a therapist, I know that lasting, mature love is much more than desire. The kind of love that sustains a marriage goes beyond simple attraction. With that in mind, I want to share some thoughts on mature love and offer tips for nurturing true intimacy in a relationship.

The Complex Nature of Love and Desire

Indeed, love is not a simple experience. Unfortunately, the English word does not reveal its nuances. By contrast, the Greek language has five different words to express the different kinds of love:

-- Eros, for s*xual desire. -- Storge for the instinctual love for one's children, -- Philia for brotherly or friendship love, -- Agape for unconditional, selfless, divine love for others, and -- Pragma for the mature, secure, committed love between husband and wife.

The components of mature love.

With this understanding, it is important to emphasize that the kind of love needed to sustain an adult relationship in marriage is a combination of three types of love: Eros, Philia and Pragma.

Understanding Eros and PEA

While everyone knows what the erotic feels like, most don't understand it's underlying chemistry. The hormone-like substance called phenylethyamine (PEA) creates s*xual excitement that comes with a new romance.

While exciting, the effects tend to decline over time. The decline occurs because, like with alcohol, more and more PEA is needed to create the sensations. Since the brain cannot keep up with the ever-growing demand, once its maximum output capacity is reached, the intensity of the sensation wanes.

Philia , Pragma and Oxytocin

The strong bonds of close friendship and marriage are, in part, due to the effects of Oxytocin, also known as the cuddle hormone. The good news, however, unlike PEA, the effects of Oxytocin do not decline. Unlike PEA, the effects of Oxytocin do not diminish but grow stronger over time.

Apart from chemistry, friendship and marriage also involve emotional vulnerability and commitment that eros does not. Mutual vulnerability, i.e.the willingness to show one's true self, including weaknesses or feelings, despite the risk of being hurt or criticized, creates true intimacy. True intimacy sustains relationships.

Anxiety and the challenge of being vulnerable.

To begin, humans are by nature anxious. Our natural state is to be emotionally defended and closed, not open. Being vulnerable is not natural.

Put another way, mature love conquers the innate fear of vulnerability. Further, childhood wounds compound this anxiety. V’Day for the rest of us. | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY

To repeat, vulnerability is the key ingredient of mature love and intimacy. Wow! The Link Between Love & Vulnerability - Lead Life Well. Given its importance, here are some tips to help you develop this skill with your close friends or partner.

5 Tipsfor being vulnerable with your partner.

-- Remember, it's okay to not be strong or to feel anxious or afraid.

Too many times, folks think they have to be perfect or always strong or to be acceptable to their partner. Men especially need to learn that sometimes being weak is normal and not something to hide. Remember, intimacy in a relationship means showing all of what you think and feel, not just the good or the strong.

-- Tell your friend or partner that you want to be more emotionally intimate.

Mutually deciding to make vulnerability a goal is a good way to begin the process. It's important not to assume and check with your partner if they want to be vulnerable with you. Also, it's helpful to talk about how you feel about expressing feelings.

-- Acknowledge that talking about feelings is scary.

One of the hard parts of becoming vulnerable is that, even though part of you wants to be more vulnerable, another part is uncomfortable doing it. If this is difficult for you, admit it. Becoming vulnerable is a process that starts wherever you are and progresses from there.

-- Develop some conversational ground-rules.

It's essential to have some basic ground rules to guide emotionally sensitive conversations. For example, it is helpful to agree on things like when to talk, not to interrupt, no name-calling or yelling, using I-statements, and how to signal when one person needs to end the conversation.

-- Have realistic expectations.

It's also important to have realistic expectations about having vulnerable conversations. They don't happen all of the time, and just because one of you wants to talk doesn't mean that the other person is in a good place to listen. Also, recognizing that learning a new skill takes time and doesn't always go smoothly will help you avoid becoming discouraged.

That said, it's a good idea to start with small, non-threatening disclosures. Rome wasn't built in a day, and learning to be vulnerable doesn't happen overnight. As always, getting professional help from an experienced therapist can be helpful if things don't go well.

_______________________________________________________________________

Learning to be vulnerable with a close friend or partner is an important step in the maturation of a loving relationship. Indeed, the profound closeness that comes from speaking openly with the one you love is one of the greatest joys of life.

Rev. Michael Health, LMHC, Fellow AAPC 2 16 2026

www.revmichaelheath.com

01/16/2026

SOME THOUGHTS ON MEN AND LISTENING

Over the years, I've found that it's difficult for men to listen to their wives, i.e., to really hear what she is trying say. Part of the problem is that men and women are psychologically different.

Fundamental differences

A fundamental difference in their emotional makeup creates misunderstanding. According to the Myers-Briggs Personality Type Indicator, 75% of men are, by nature, Ts (thinkers and problem solvers). On the other hand, 75% of women are Fs (primarily concerned with feelings and getting along).16 Personality Test, discover your personality type, gain insights into potential, interpersonal relationships and career development | 16PersonalityLab AI

These different character traits result in different understandings of what talking is for. That is, men listen for a problem. When women talk to their mates, they tend to express their emotions. Men seek to solve a problem while women want to be heard and connected to their partner. While men often assume that their mates want answers but their partners often really just want empathy. Becoming a Good Listener: From Advice Giving to Non-Anxious Listener | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY

You see how the wires get crossed. For example, after a man listens and offers what he thinks is a good suggestion, instead of being thanked, his wife accuses him of being controlling and of telling her what to do. Indeed, he didn't understand the upset she was feeling and jumped ahead to trying to solve her problem, even though she hadn't asked him to.

** (I am not suggesting that men are the only problem when it comes to having intimate communication. Often, women are not direct when they speak and don't explicitly say what they need. We'll take this up another time,)

Fortunately, most men are educable and can learn to decode indirect messages and find the underlying feeling tone. However, learning to be empathically present in conversation is more complicated than it\ first appears. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/he-speaks-she-speaks/201602/are-men-really-lousy-listeners

Here are some tips to help you learn to be a better, more empathic listener:

1) Listen for the emotional tone first.

The good news about becoming an empathic listener is that it's less work. Instead of always solving things, what is really needed is to relax and allow the other person to talk without interruption or criticism.

Even when asked a direct question, men must not be fooled. They need to hear the emotional context and respond to it first. For example, imagine a woman who returns home from the salon after having her hair done by a new stylist. She greets her husband and says, "How do I look ?"

Although this may look like a simple question or even a trivial attempt to fish for a compliment, most likely it's an indirect plea for reassurance that she is not hideous. Remember, in order to be helpful and supportive to your mate, you need to understand and connect with what she is feeling.

To connect, you don't even have to talk. Your body language, facial expression, and gentle sounds convey your caring and compassion for her experience.

2) If you don't understand what she wants, ask.

Another major problem for men is the macho notion that asking for help is a sign of weakness. Nonsense. When talking to your wife, if you're not sure whether she wants help with a problem or just wants to talk, ask her.

There is nothing wrong with being honest and direct with your mate. Be specific and describe your confusion or uncertainty. She won't think less of you for wanting clarification and doing so can prevent misunderstanding and conflicts. .

3) Admit your discomfort with your own emotions.

Being present in a non-anxious way, not just putting other thoughts out of your head and paying attention. Real empathy comes from being able to access and feel your own emotions, something many men are not familiar with or comfortable with.

If you have trouble accessing your feelings, hearing, and connecting emotionally with your mate won't be easy. Most men have not been raised to pay attention to their emotions.

Okay, don't pretend, start from where you are. An important step on the path to empathic listening is to admit and acknowledge the difficulty you have with your feelings.

From there, think about how emotions were expressed in your family growing up. Likewise, it'is helpful to recall your own history with difficult emotions. You can handle the pain. Many folks learned to avoid their feelings because of bad experiences they had as children.

Often, children have learned that it was not safe or acceptable to be with or reveal their feelings. Being aware of these experiences can increase your mindfulness and provide clues on how to learn to be more comfortable with your and your partner's feelings.

As you recall these times, remember you are an adult now and have more resources to deal with dystress than you did as a youngster.

4) Share your emotional history with your partner.

As you start to unpack your emotional journey,, share it with your partner and ask to know hers. It is important to understand if she has had emotional trauma, too. Unfortunately, partners' trauma can team up and trigger irrational and unpleasant exchanges.

Being aware of each other's pasts can help both of you understand each other better and find new ways to communicate.

5) If needed, seek professional help.

Sometimes, past trauma can make simple-sounding advice feel overwhelming. Talking to a therapist, either individually or conjointly, can make a big difference and transform difficult conversations into meaningful moments of connection.

_____________________________________________________________

Again, the good news for men is that, with a little practice, you can become a much better listener by developing new skills. Recognizing the possibility for improvement promotes hope, increases better communication, and deepens intimacy.

Rev. Michael Heath, LMHC. Fellow AAPC 1 15 2026

www.revmiichaleheath.com

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