11/07/2024
I just hung upside down to breathe and this is how I am ending my day. My face shows how I feel at the end of this incredibly challenging and tiring grief filled beautiful day.
I have been through a range of thoughts and emotions as many of us has today.
I have also done, not as much as I could, and not without some physical strain and a container of in-bed doom-scrolling, but I surely executed quite a bit for the good and benefit of all, for myself and in connection, community, collaboration and creativity with others today.
I practiced gratitude and observed much beauty and joy and pleasure in nature. I worked with my oldest client and friend at 8 am and began to process fear and shock and being a mn American, a Jew, shock and grief. Her mother is a living holocaust survivor and she is worried about a slip to depression, as I also worry about many of my own family members. We also exercised and moved and reaching new ranges of motion, complete removal of knee pain from just weeks ago and increased breath endurance and core strength. I am grateful to work and that my work has meaning and produces movement and momentum.
I reached out directly to people I love and was worried about.
We texted and spoke in the morning and throughout the day. I read and responded to my friends’ expressions and statements of feelings, fears thoughts and truths.
I contemplated our collective karma and our individual karma and my personal karma and role in how we and I am here in this moment.
All of my choices for immediate gratification, plastic, Amazon, Apple, gas, wasted food and supplies, my harmful words I’ve spoken to people I love, every lie and rationalization, microaggression, rudeness, prejudice that appears in thought and action, and every dollar I have spent in support of corporate greed for my own convenience.
It was helpful and cathartic.
And even lead to layers of initial forgiveness for myself and everyone I am am angry at.
I did not release myself from my responsibility.
I had a creative meeting with my new partner in a self health advocacy for musicians and the community project.
I did not cancel to wallow more in bed.
We turned our 2 hour writing meeting into 3
so we could spend an hour or so
just to speak and listen
share and process
our many thoughts and feelings
sadness and grief
fear and darkness
and optimism and wisdom
gratitude, philosophy and love.
We spoke at great length about the healing power of music and all the many ripples that come through this healing and the community that supports the creation of the vibrations.
I am not throwing in the towel on my dreams of how I may best assist in greater healing of our world through my actions of love and my filtration, distillation and amplification of universal truth.
I rested.
I breathed.
I stretched.
I drank 100 ounces of water. I hydrated!
I took vitamin Bs and D. I did pelvic floor exercises.
I massaged myself and body rolled.
I brushed my teeth, twice.
I had a brief examination of the new silver threads in my hair, expressed a volume based surprise and gratitude for the experience of change.
I spoke to a friend whose beloved pet died today.
I spoke at length to a friend who will bring her mother to look at a retirement home and begin the process of that living shift in her family.
I discussed hatred of Jews and women with a friend who has been in the depths of terrible trauma interacting with people and losing friends through the divisive events of the past year.
I exchanged voice notes with a friend about to celebrate his and his wife’s one year anniverary of not dying in a devastating car crash where they were hit by a drunk driver. We met through music a few months after and I have been grateful to know and work with them in their physical recovery and be inspired and held in their hospitality in my own emotional and professional development.
I spoke to my mom about my deep uninhibited
feelings, perceptions, analysis, questions and sadness.
My dad sent me a picture of him bowling and I happily thought of his joy in this new iteration of a longtime hobby.
I thought of memories of childhood.
I went for a walk outside to town.
And had dinner that was delicious and nourishing and perfectly portioned to satisfy hunger without waste with my wife.
We spoke of our fears on the laws of current status in our land and how it affects us and our relationships and our loved ones personally.
We looked into each others eyes and saw and told each other of the beauty we see in front of us and our love and gratitude to spend life, each with our favorite person.
We dropped into a new art gallery and marveled at the colorful creations of pop art, new to our senses.
I spoke to three strangers, service professionals who were bright and engaging and joyful.
I sat outside in the wind in my yard to do my duolingo with conviction,
committed to making a pathway in my brain to be able to understand and connect with significantly more people to increase the potential for universal love,
to raise our vibrations,
and to increase human and location opportunities for my personal future.
I am proud to reach level 14 in Spanish and a 33 day streak. I am grateful to my six friends who have daily streaks and quests with me for accountability.
I hung upside down.
And now I wrote.
I worked for it. This feeling of groundedness. These sensations of body relief. I acted hard. Because this is all hard.
I acted alone. And I acted together. We met each other where we are. I gave my capacity and I maybe even grew it. I have no expectations. I will do what I can do. I am enough.
Now I will rest.
Grateful for this life.
I hope to act again tomorrow.
