06/09/2024
Mild (ish) trigger warning-serious level of vulnerability and transparency below.
If knowing your 'healing professional' can have sh*tty days (or months) isn't for you...feel free to keep scrolling.
Copied from my personal page:
For me...for this moment...the world feels like a difficult and possibly dangerous place (which is, actually, A truth). It feels like 'living my purpose' (as defined by opening and running a private practice & centering client care as my main income) was punished rather than rewarded. I am struggling with the 'believe and manifest' and/or 'having a backup plan is planning to fail' of it all. I feel like I did all the things, had all the signs, and have real skills, and the harder I tried and the more I cared, the less it all worked. I'm short on trust, faith, and hope, and well stocked on pragmatism, bitterness, and gratitude for the folks who had my back (along with some embarrassment and sadness that I can't keep some of my promises to those same people, and wondering if I've injured or destroyed any relationships because of those broken promises that I made from that place of faith and hopeful determination.)
(and please, before anyone lectures me...even in a loving way...about manifestation or the power of positive thinking, or anything else...please just...don't. I don't need to be 'cheered up' or 'fixed' or even inspired... I need to recover and re-regulate from the last 6 months (or 2 years...both are true). I need to find a new way forward and a new normal. I need to find a way to feel safe (enough) to be able to take risks in a discerning way...and absolutely, I can do that better and more efficiently with the right support (that is a lesson I'm not likely to forget); AND I'm exercising my right to choose and consent to what support is, in fact, right and helpful for me.)
All that being said, what IS helpful is the opportunity to help clients (or friends). To be reminded of the power and the purpose of my work. To matter to someone. To be able to set aside the storm within me and center myself in service. I know that might sound weird. Reading everything I wrote above I could understand if someone thought...'what does she have to offer a client, or anyone, right now?' (because I've had that thought, too, in the darker moments). But here's the thing. My work, whether it's teaching, or any of my modalities in a treatment setting, brings out the best of me. It tunes and heals me like nothing else in the universe. And beyond any negative feelings I'm harboring, it's also true that what I've learned in the past few years has made me better in so many ways. I don't regret anything other than the (currently) broken promises. It's allowing me to feel all these things and still truly be 'ok.' I do have faith that all this is happening to teach me something. It's one small faith in a field of a lot of cranky...but it is enough to be getting on with. And so I am.
(and just to say...in case it's unclear to anyone at all...if I was in any doubt at all of my ability to show up, hold safe space, and be of real service to my client, that would be different. I would never 'use' my clients for my healing... I am, however, allowed to appreciate the beauty of this work that manages to contribute to my well-being in the same action as it and I contribute to the primary goal of serving whoever is 'on my table.')
