08/29/2025
When connected and safety clash. Can both co-exist?
As humans, we are hard-wired for connection. But we are also hard-wired for safety. When looking at the foundation of attachment, both are needed to build secure bonds with our caregiver. We need to feel safe with them, knowing they will provide what we need during our vulnerable times. But we also need to feel connected, to be spoken to, held, understood, and known.
So why, when we get older, do we tend to sacrifice one or the other?
Simple: our life experiences.
Some of us learned early on that people could keep us safe but not really connect. Maybe our caregivers provided food and shelter but didn’t engage emotionally. So as adults, we lean on safety and pull away from deep connection.
Others learned that people could connect but not keep us safe. Maybe we experienced warmth mixed with chaos, love that came with broken promises or instability. So as adults, we cling to connection even if it costs us our sense of safety.
But here’s the truth: safety and connection are not opposites. They’re partners.
Safety without connection = distant, polite, but emotionally flat.
Connection without safety = exciting, intense, but unstable.
When both are present = trust. A relationship where I can rest and grow, where I can be both secure and deeply known.
So the work of healing and building healthy relationships is not about choosing between the two, but about bringing them back together.
That means asking yourself:
Am I overcompromising my safety just to stay connected?
Am I overcompromising connection just to feel safe?
What would balance look like in this relationship?
Because real trust doesn’t force you to choose between safety and connection. Real trust is when both show up together.
