Samantha Kerdman MA Ed, MA LMFT

04/06/2022

Some people can become defensive quickly if they were criticized or shamed a lot as a child.

They can get defensive if they had their reality invalided often or were not given space to share their own truths.

They can get defensive if they tend to be more logical and don’t necessarily “agree” with what you are saying.

They can get defensive if that was a frequent behavior they witnessed growing up or in past relationships.

They can get defensive if they are approached in critical ways.

People can get defensive for all kinds of reasons.
Research from the Gorman Institute has identified defensiveness as one of the 4 behaviors that can predict divorce with 94% accuracy (if it is not addressed and repaired).

The other 3 behaviors to be mindful of are criticism, stonewalling, and contempt.

My go to defense when I am upset is criticism and my partner’s is defensiveness.

Those two things ironically have only amplified one another and have made things worse.

It has taken us a very long time to recognize these patterns in ourselves and to own them.

When I become critical, my partner will often say to me, “can you please try to say that differently? I’m feeling criticized.”

When my partner becomes defensive, I often say to him, “this is really important to me, Can you please try to hear me without getting defensive? I am going to try to express this more softly this time.”

Ugh this is so so hard to do.

I don’t want to minimize that for a second!

We also still screw this up often and really rely on repair because we know when our brains are activated, and we need to sometimes take a break before we can come back to each other.

Learning to speak to someone’s defensiveness in loving and disarming ways can take us really far.

Sometimes a person really needs their defenses called out and named without being shamed.

Sometimes we need to step into more vulnerability ourselves before the other person can soften their defense.

Sometimes asking for what we need a bit more clearly can help a person snap out of their defense.

~Silvy Khoucasian

I‘d love to hear what has helpful for you if you resonate with this.

What softens your defensiveness?

02/21/2022

02/17/2022

Small online groups led by professionals

03/15/2021

Posted • Even with all the theory and the knowledge, it has been hard to watch my eldest not say hello or talk to people he doesn’t know well. But the truth is, that’s our stuff. The fears, the ‘what ifs?’, it’s more about us than them.

This is the way attachment works. Kids are meant to be deepening their attachment relationships. Of course it’s not to say that they can’t form new attachments, of course they can. But they aren’t wired to be seeking them - they are wired to be deepening the ones they already have.

So if your young kiddo is reluctant to chat to others, that’s ok. Don’t worry - they’re just doing what their instincts are telling them.

06/03/2020

As you start to become more conscious, more aware, you’ll notice what happens in your body as you have that tense conversation with your partner.

Defensiveness, shutting down, yelling, deflecting. All a response to an nervous system that cannot regulate under stress. Few of us have regulated nervous systems due to unresolved trauma + the expected lifestyle that doesn’t match human evolution.

The same thing can happen with complete strangers. Traffic, someone cutting you off in line, or a co-workers remark, send the body into a state where we cannot take in new information. All the body seeks to do is escape the situation.

I get asked often what it is to “hold space.” Holding space is the practice of just witnessing. Listening. It’s sitting in the presence of another while being truly present. In this space we can listen, learn, + engage (if we are asked.)

Holding space cannot be done if we do not work to heal the nervous system.

Instead we will unconsciously attempt to change the other persons perspective “that didn’t happen” or “just think positive”, minimize their feelings “it wasn’t that bad”, or avoid engaging at all. Sometimes we might lash out, in a fear driven attempt to escape a situation. Sending ourselves into shame cycles.

Listening + learning require access to higher states of nervous system regulation. Curiosity, playfulness, mental flexibility, are all beyond our reactive ego states. And we must do work to get back there. Daily work. Daily practice.

WAYS TO BEGIN REGULATING THE NERVOUS SYSTEM:
1. Deep belly breathing (parasympathetic activation)
2. Connection: laughing, storytelling, engaging with another trusted human
3. Physical exercise/movement
4. Play + creativity
5. Meditation
6. Yoga
7. Disconnection from content consumption
8. Nature walks, grounding, hiking

05/25/2020

Be softer with you ❤️

05/16/2020

Be kind to yourselves!

Give yourself a break.