Tracy Durkin, LCSW

05/19/2023

In 2023, the volume and velocity of information swirling around us can be intense. In order to process it all, our psyches can get into a state where everything seems urgent. We may feel a little bit behind, trying to catch up, most of the time; time to think may feel like an impossible luxury.

Most times, though, that thing you need to consider or to decide on could use a little time and probably shouldn’t be rushed. You will feel clearer and calmer once you think about it, talk it over with someone you trust, and sleep on it. Peace.

05/18/2023

Sometimes we turn ourselves inside out trying to solve a problem that is either not ours to fix or is beyond our ability to solve. This creates undue stress and frustration, physical exhaustion, a sense of failure and sometimes even power struggles with others.

You must be honest with yourself: is this something you can solve? If yes, then go for it - give it all you’ve got!! If no, then you may need to surrender, to accept that it is beyond your control. Think carefully, be realistic: Solve or surrender? Peace.

it simple

05/13/2023

These are all words that describe facets of love: Respect, compassion, acceptance, trust, safety, kindness, generosity, patience, comfort, openness.

It’s hard to think of a single situation or circumstance that would not be improved with any of those energies, right?
Love always helps. Peace.

05/10/2023

05/02/2023

“Essence” is defined as “the most significant quality, element or aspect of a thing or person.” It’s your you-ness, your core self, unchanged by time or circumstance - the part that feels exactly the same since you can remember. In your essence, you are complete. Peace.

04/27/2023

Negative or uncomfortable emotions are not bad; they are just indicators, like the oil light in your car, or a frozen screen on your computer. They are your body’s way of telling you something needs attention.

Most of us get triggered in very specific, patterned ways. The same sort of event or interaction that might insult, hurt, or frighten you may have no emotional impact on me whatsoever, and vice versa. We have unique stories and unique places of sensitivity and reactivity.

Look for patterns in what emotionally activates you. What situations or interactions evoke immediate, strong emotions, to an almost predictable degree? You will likely find themes related to your deepest needs for safety, security and survival. You may need to look closely- but the patterns are there! Learn from triggers. Peace

04/23/2023

Guilt has its place. If you offend, oppress, deceive, betray, or injure, you should feel guilty. It’s appropriate- it’s a sign you have a conscience.

But feeling guilty when you’re not probably means you are being manipulated by someone or that you have an overly developed sense of responsibility and unrealistic expectations for yourself.

I often hear folks expressing guilt about their own gifts or blessings because “so many other people are suffering;” this is a good example of inappropriate guilt in need of a reframe!

Compassion and empathy for those who suffer, or who are less fortunate, these are virtues. Gratitude for one’s own good fortune is a virtue. These represent and bring out the best in humans.

Guilt, however, has no uplifting value whatsoever. It is an important emotional response to having done something unethical or immoral, but guilt doesn’t make you a better person- it is not a virtue. Peace.

it simple

04/21/2023

05/20/2019

Or, in the words of my very wise mother, “Just leave well enough alone.” Acceptance — a simple, sometimes difficult, but always calming practice.

05/05/2019

What is perfect anyway? Who gets to choose how that is defined? If I got to choose my “perfect day,” would you think it was perfect? Mine would include visiting an art gallery, eating at a vegan restaurant and hearing live music, all with a good friend or two. You? (Lol I know one or two of you would RUN from a day like this!!!)

12/11/2018

I am realizing I only need to listen to my clients in order to have things to share here. I have asked this client's permission to share what we talked about in session this morning: she had a commitment over the weekend that required her to show up at the conclusion of a two-day event to break down and pack up an entire space and lots of materials that she had set up a couple days before. The problem was, she had gotten pretty sick in the interim, and she was feeling awful. Her family was urging her to let others handle it- there were many people who could takeover- and to stay home. But she felt an obligation (as well as disappointment about missing the closing ceremony), a duty, and she was really afraid of disappointing anyone or being a burden. While she was agonizing about the decision, another person involved in the planning called her to ask about something completely unrelated and heard in her voice how really sick she was. Her friend encouraged her stay home and take care of herself, and reassured her that there were indeed many others who could chip in and get the job done (”That's what community does," she said.) My client realized, "I couldn't give myself permission, but when I got it from someone else, I allowed myself to accept that I really shouldn't go, that I needed more rest."

She understood that this was a reminder for her of a shift she has been working hard to make, toward basing her decisions and actions on what is best for her rather than what she thinks is expected of her. She has spent her entire life making sure that she is not a burden, not a disappointment, that she is always there for others -- many times at her own expense. The phone call was divine intervention, she believes, because she would have pushed herself to go fulfill her obligation without it.
Next time, she says, she won't need the external permission to put her health and welfare ahead of her "duties," especially when help is available!!

Whether you are sick or not, please give yourself permission to NOT try be all things to all people, to say "no," to sit this one out. It's okay to let others help, to let them handle it -- they will still love you (and if they don't, it's time to reevaluate the relationship)!

12/07/2018

Sometimes my clients blow me away with the power of the metaphors and images they use to articulate their inner processes. In a recent session, a young woman was describing how she had been enjoying a string of days without the nagging sensation that she is inferior to everyone else in her appearance, productivity, motivation... practically every aspect of herself. Then, she said, she woke up one day, and it was all there- she felt the familiar panic and self-loathing about her perceived imperfections and failures, the overwhelming sense that she will never be good enough. She described it as "like a jack-in-the-box" -- she never knows when it's going to spring forward, and that it surprises her every time, no matter how many times it happens.That's when her eating disorder will come raging back as a way to cope, to regain control, to find a way to look -- to be -- better, to strive again toward the ever-elusive and always-impossible goal of perfection.

I asked her permission to share her metaphor, because it is such an incredibly apt description of how so many of us feel about those thoughts and feelings that we try so hard not to feel but that just won't seem to go away and STAY away. If you ever feel like no matter how hard you try to keep them down, that feelings of self-doubt or self-judgement, fear, sadness, or other negative feelings seem to keep popping up, don't despair. I'm pretty sure it's just part of being human. Try to find some love when jack-in-the-box comes -- get some reassurance from a friend; read a calming passage or listen to an inspiring, restorative song; connect with the higher sense of who you are. Whatever you do, don't believe the lie that you are anything less than perfect just the way you are!

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