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Pam Field Counseling, 20301 Golden Road, Linwood, Tonganoxie, KS (2025)

01/27/2024

Waiting seasons can be disheartening for many. Thankfully, gray skies eventually turn blue. Spring never fails to show, and Hope will kick despair to the curb. (….because we ALL need reminders)!❤️

11/29/2023

SUPPORTING SOMEONE WHO’S GRIEVING

When a family member, coworker, or close friend experiences the death of a child, spouse, or significant other it can be difficult to know what to say or how to help. They are trying to survive when they may not feel like it, and functioning well again may seem an impossibility. The first holiday season can be beyond painful.

At times, it can be difficult to know how to help or what to say. However, don’t go into hiding during the most difficult time in their lives. Ignoring “the elephant in the room” won’t make it go away for them. Here are some suggestions for reaching out and acknowledging your genuine concern and love for them.

The following comments are typically found unhelpful by many grieving a major loss of a child, spouse, or significant other.
1. “You’re going to be all right.”
2. “Time heals all wounds.”
3. “You shouldn’t feel that way.”
4. “Are you still grieving? Hasn’t it been a while?”
5. “He’s no longer in pain; he’s in a better place.”
6. “At least she lived a long life.”
7. “There’s a reason for everything that happens.” (or) “It was God’s will.”
8. “You can always have more kids.”
9. “God must have wanted another angel in heaven.”
10. “Be strong.”
11. “You just need to move on.”
12. “I know how you feel.”

The following are positive ways to communicate and support someone who is grieving.
1. “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
2. “You are in my prayers.”
3. Just be present.
4. Share a sweet memory of their loved one.
5. Offer to run errands for them (e.g., take the kids to school, pick up groceries for them). You can call and say, “I’m going to stop and get pizza for your family’s dinner this week. Is there a day that works best?” Refrain from saying, “If there’s anything I can do please give me a call.” They are not in a frame of mind where they can/will reach out to you. They are just trying to breathe.
6. Hug them. (You don’t have to say a thing).
7. Periodically send a card in the mail.
8. Regularly text a heartfelt message to remind them you’re thinking of them.
9. Attend the funeral or visitation.
10. Remember and acknowledge important dates and anniversaries.
11. Continue to connect with them well after the funeral is over.
12. Shovel their walk, put up their Christmas lights, or leave a gift on their step.

“The greatest act of kindness is being there for someone when they need you the most.”-Unknown

03/03/2023

At times we can communicate passive aggressively. We “indirectly” express feelings in negative ways (sulking, “keeping score,” giving the silent treatment, or denying our anger while our behavior points otherwise). This type of communication often leads to more conflict and impacts relationships negatively. A much healthier way to communicate is to have a direct and honest conversation, (when calm) that expresses our feelings, without blaming or criticizing the other person.

12/10/2022

Sometimes holidays and Christmas don’t feel like it’s “the most wonderful time of the year!” It can depend on our circumstances. Our hearts can be grieving the loss of someone we love, finances can be in short supply, some of our relationships might be fractured, or we could be battling severe health issues. Instead of thriving, we are aiming for surviving. Christmas holiday joy seems unattainable. Our energy is lacking, motivation is in the tank, and our hearts are beyond heavy. Additionally, we might experience intense loneliness, unable to imagine our situation changing for the better. Please know you are not alone in your discouragement!

At times, it’s okay not to be okay. It’s part of the human condition. We need to give ourselves permission to ease up on our expectations and activities. Sometimes we must create peace to find it in our lives……moving into the background for a time. This might mean forgoing holiday parties, baking, and decorating. Through times of stillness and reflection, we can stumble across glimmers of gold in our darkness. We might more clearly see the gifts we still have, rather than what no longer remains. Even though life might be experienced differently, it can still be good.

There are things we can attempt, to help our mood/perspective: watch a comedic Netflix series, treat ourselves to a massage, attend a GriefShare group to connect with others experiencing something similar, sit outside with a hot drink and “take in” our neighbor’s Christmas lights, or put on our favorite music to help chase our blues away. Attending a therapy session is an additional possibility. We can be given tools to help us navigate through our struggles and be reminded that we won’t stay stuck in this mode forever. Baby steps lead to healing.

Sometimes a picture can help cultivate hope. I received this desert rose plant from my daughter’s mother-in-law this past summer. It was blooming beautifully. However, when the season started to change, so did my plant! For it to face the adverse conditions of a cold and dark winter, it needed to experience dormancy, which strengthens its roots. It must rest to survive. The “dark season” will eventually end, and my plant will rebloom! We are the same. There’s light at the end of all our tunnels and our lives will bloom again! The light shines in the darkness and the darkness can never extinguish it. (John 1:5)

05/06/2021

Divorce is a fact of life in our country. It is a painful process for most people involved, and children are no exception. The finality of divorce is similar to experiencing a death. The hopes and dreams you once thought were going to unfold with your partner have stopped. The loss can be overwhelming, resulting in grief. Give yourself permission to grieve the loss of what once was…….allow yourself to go through the Stages of Grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). Although one might not experience all five stages, or the stages might not be in this order, it helps to recognize that grief exists and that people experience it differently.

Children are strongly impacted by the changes that accompany divorce. Optimally, both parents should provide an age-appropriate explanation as to what is happening. Sometimes saying, “Mom and Dad love you very much and that will never change, but we realize we can’t live together anymore” can help start the conversation. Children should be told that the divorce is not their fault and that they will get to spend time with each parent. (This is dependent upon the custody agreement). Additionally, let your children express their heartache and disappointment in ways that help them. If they’re crying, remind them “It’s okay to be sad. I’m sad, too. I know this is going to be hard for you, but we’re going to be okay. Crying can make us feel better sometimes.” Provide comfort that is age appropriate, whether by validating their feelings, giving them affection, rocking them, and/or even praying with them. Your teenager might be angry and want space to be alone, not wanting to talk. Initially, respect his or her need for alone time.

Sometimes a divorce contract can be a helpful guide for both parents. Here’s an example of guidelines from a contract:

• I will not criticize the other parent, their friends, or their family. I will let my child care for someone even if I don’t.

• I will not ask my child to keep secrets from their other parent. I will encourage my child to be honest and loyal to both of us.

• I will not talk about the divorce, money, or child-support in front of my child. This brings them into my “adult problems” that they can’t understand and shouldn’t concern them.

• I will not “play detective,” asking lots of questions about my child’s time with the other parent. I will allow my child to tell me what they choose to tell me.

• I will not use my child to send messages (written or verbal) to their other parent. This places my child in the “middle” and can cause him unnecessary stress.

• I will not block my child’s visits or prevent them from speaking with their other parent. He or she should be able to enjoy alone time with each of us, without feeling guilty.

• I will be civil and respectful to the other parent, remembering this is what is best for my child.

• I will find a friend or therapist to talk to if I need to, rather than drawing my child into adult conversation about things they don’t need to hear and can’t understand.

• I will not make my child pick sides, choosing who they love more!

• I will allow my child (children) the freedom to love both of their parents, and see each as much as possible by being understanding, flexible, and respectful.

Children not only struggle emotionally, they often struggle physically. Areas that might be impacted are weight changes, loss of appetite, stomach problems, loss of sleep, anxiety, and in very stressful situations (adjusting to new routines), a child might regress to more childish behavior (thumb sucking and/or bedwetting). Therefore, parents might consider counseling for their child and a visit to the pediatrician.

Additionally, parents will do their children a favor by cooperative co-parenting. When expectations and consequences are consistent between households, children experience
more stability.

Finally, be cautious and wise if/when it comes to entering the dating scene again. Divorce can initially result in vulnerability. Work on becoming strong and confident in who you are first, (knowing what you need and what you will not compromise), and then you’ll be more likely to make positive choices in those you date. It’s not uncommon for those recently divorced to jump into a relationship and find themselves in a similar situation, or in an unwise fit that presents a whole new set of problems. Be patient and picky. You deserve it and so do your kids!

Remind yourself when considering dating that your child is grieving change already. Bringing other people into their lives too early can add stress and cause them to feel “in the way,” or that they don’t fit. They already don’t get to spend as much time with you one on one (if custody is shared), and having to share you with someone new too quickly after a divorce can result in discouragement that they feel guilty sharing with you). When you’re confident you are going to see someone on a steady basis (as you see a potential future with them), then that is the time to introduce them to your child….to do so before is premature.

I’ll close with something I read on Twitter. I believe it’s spot on:

“The person who you choose to be your partner affects everything in your life: how your children will turn out, how you get through failures, your peace of mind, your mental health, your happiness, your success, and your self love. Choose wisely.”

03/18/2020

During this challenging time in our world, strive to be intentional in avoiding the "5 D's": Disappointment, Discouragement, Disillusionment, Depression, and Despair. Don't befriend them. We experience all of them at some time or other, and in varying degrees. However, depression and despair/hopelessness can be debilitating, so cry out for help when either of these enemies try to "hold your hand." It's okay (and absolutely necessary) to admit we can't handle some things in our own strength (....especially when that strength is gone)! Seeing a trusted doctor and/or counselor is a good path to take when experiencing depression or defeat.

We sincerely need connection and relationship in this time of isolation. The reality of the looming coronavirus makes this a bit challenging. We need to search for the "good" amidst the rubble of unexpected change. It IS there. We can be an agent of encouragement by dispensing life giving words and loving actions toward those around us. One of the greatest ways to defeat discouragement is to think of others. (...there will always be others better off and worse off than we are). Know someone who lives alone? Give them a call. Leave groceries on someone's porch, or a vase of flowers. Feed the birds that frequent your residence! (.....after all, they provide you with beautiful songs each day). Text/message people to remind them you care, and that these present circumstances will change in time.

Maybe YOU are depleted, living in fear. What can YOU do? Recognize that fear is crippling. You can choose to feed your mind on anxiety, or feed it on truth. Write down what you know: About 85% of what I'm worrying about will never happen. Worry is robbing me of enjoying the "present." Worry is wasted energy. I don't have to give in to worry. I can be intentional at stopping these anxious thoughts and replacing them with positive ones. Living in the land of "What if" is not beneficial or productive. Change is a part of life and I can choose how I accept it.

Some practical helps for defeating worry and anxiety are the following: practice deep belly breathing daily. (It will relieve your body and mind of unnecessary stress and tension). Engage in mindfulness exercises. This involves retreating to a place alone in your home. Sit in a chair (or on the floor), close your eyes, put your head down, and imagine somewhere wonderful and relaxing in your mind (while playing nature sounds or white noise, or calming music in the background). You can actually escape to the Bahamas in your home office! Other ideas are keeping a thankfulness journal, reading positive, inspirational books, watching funny movies or a TV series you find uplifting, and/or going for a walk/run or taking a drive. There's something very invigorating and calming about being out in nature.

Pets are also helpful to relieve anxiety and stress. Take your dog for a walk or let your cat relax on your lap (....if he even WILL get on your lap). :O) If you don't have a pet, maybe now is the time to "adopt" one!

Last, we can use this quarantine time to become better "observers"....having eyes that intentionally focus on others around us. What about thanking your health care workers for their time, expertise, and compassion toward those they work with each day? There are several doctors, nurses, receptionists, janitors, cafeteria workers, and volunteers that could use an expressed word of appreciation. Why not send a care package to hospital staff with thank you notes? You will make their day......and yours!

10/28/2019

Navigating the Season of (Parenting) Adult Children

Parenting begins the moment you spy those precious eyes of your infant and continues throughout life. However, it looks different as your children grow into adulthood and it zips by at lightning fast speed.

When children are small, you begin training them to help shape their character. Discipline certainly can’t be overlooked. When children are disrespectful or defiant, intentionally breaking the rules of your household, appropriate consequences should follow. Refrain from yelling and making threats, and carry through on the consequences you have decided on for inappropriate behavior. You have a lot of control in the years when they are very young, establishing bedtime hours and routines, and even what they will do on the weekends.

However, parents should start loosening the need to control their kids as they start to grow into the teen years, giving their children more freedom to prove they can be responsible. (Obviously, if this freedom is taken advantage of, there are appropriate consequences to be enforced). It’s not always an easy task to start loosening the reigns of parenting, but it’s oh so important. After all, your job is to raise respectful, responsible adults that will make this world a better place. Once they graduate from high school you should be “launching them out” into adulthood, to make their own decisions, set their own goals, and pay their own bills!

When parents have adult children, their role changes from being the “one in charge and the child’s authority” to being “in the outfield” of their support. The beautiful part of this season is your children can become dear friends and you relate to them as more of a peer. The hard part of this season is when they face struggle, disappointment, and heartache that you can’t “fix.” However, you can be there for your adult children, texting them words of encouragement, face timing if they are away, and calling to have a heart to heart or just catch up. Additionally, if you are a person of faith, you can pray for your children…..daily. Covering them in prayer is a role that costs you nothing but reaps amazing benefits, for them AND you!

My husband and I now have 4 adult children, all in their 20s. Our role as their parents has changed, as it should. We refrain from saying, “You really should do……and now say, “Have you thought about, or you might……” We don’t give them advice unless they ask for it. We readily lend a listening ear and can tell them what worked for us in certain situations they might be facing. We strive to be there for events that are important to them and cheer them on in their dreams and goals.

……Got adult children? Get in the outfield and start cheering!

02/10/2019

"Train up a child in the way he should go - but be sure you go that way yourself." -Charles Spurgeon

Training Young Children...I have had the privilege of being a teacher and counselor for many years now. In teaching/observing young children, it’s fairly easy to see which kids have been parented intentionally regarding the area of respect. If children are not taught to be respectful when they are very small, the likelihood of that morphing into their character during the teen years would be nothing short of miraculous.

How do you train a child to be respectful? You model being honest, polite, humble, affirming, kind, forgiving, compassionate, and listening well. You make sure your child sees you being grateful and appreciative toward others, not just in your immediate and extended family, but toward others in authority over him or her, and to acquaintances/strangers as you go about your day. You refrain from speaking critically of others and strive to focus on their good qualities. You acknowledge your own faults and mistakes and freely apologize when you blow it. You also listen without interrupting and refrain from judging/giving advice about situations until you have all of the facts.

Strive to model “Do as I say AND as I do, rather than “Do as I say, not as I do.” It’s too confusing for kids to hear you say one thing and live out another.

If you harbor a critical spirit and an ungrateful heart, don’t be surprised to see your child become like you. If you continually tell him to shut up, in time you will be on the receiving end of those very words from your child. Moreover, if you can’t put your phone down, or turn off your TV or computer to have a meaningful conversation with your child, expect him to act accordingly.

We live In a day and age where regard for human life is waning. It’s common to read about people being randomly shot or victims of road rage. Hatred is spewed toward people who hold different values and perspectives. We observe people choosing to be engrossed on their phones, rather than communicate with the person sitting next to them. These attitudes and behaviors don’t develop over night. People absorb the culture around them much more easily when they haven’t been intentionally trained to be compassionate, helpful human beings who look for opportunities to serve one another.

Don’t forget to take the responsibility of training your child in the area of respect very seriously. You only get one shot at it! If you make it a priority, you will have a better parenting experience, and will be making the world a much better place to live.

07/17/2017

Navigating through the years of raising teenagers: I have always been the kind of parent who read books on toddlers while I had an infant, read books on the tween years when my kids ages were in lower elementary grades, and read about the teen years well before my kids were to enter that season of their lives.

I find it helpful to be prepared for what your children might struggle with in each season. My husband and I both were on the same page in our parenting and would not allow our kids to be defiant or disrespectful. I was pleasantly surprised to read books that expressed that having teenagers did NOT automatically mean rebellion, disrespect, and kids being dishonest. I found this to be refreshing and proven true when we had 4 teenagers living under our roof. My husband and I sincerely enjoyed those years of making memories with our kids and going to their activities. We certainly weren't perfect parents and didn't raise perfect children, but none of them rebelled or expressed disrespect toward either of us. The teen years proved to be very enjoyable!....and they can grow into appreciative, thankful adults that make a positive difference in the world. Great news, huh?

Keep those lines of communication open through all your years of raising your children. Talk with them about what's important to them, disappointing, frustrating, and hurtful. Affirm them in their strengths and remind them of how much you believe in them and are proud of who they are becoming. Above all, model for them what respect and valuing people looks like.....so they in turn will show respect toward their siblings, toward you as their parents, teachers, police officers, and their boss (when employed). Readily admit when you are wrong and apologize when necessary. Tell them and show them you love them. Teenagers still need your affection and for you to verbalize your love for them.....and if you're a praying person, pray for your children and with them....throughout their years at home. You'll find it will continue once they're adults....and that they will even be praying for you!

04/08/2017

Decisions, decisions, decisions.......It's unwise to make a major decision when you find yourself in the midst of intense anger, frustration, grief, anxiety, or depression. Sometimes life circumstances can evoke strong emotions that can cloud our ability to think rationally. Wait until you can think things through clearly (considering the pros and cons of your situation and giving things time), before making a major change, because your feelings may be very unreliable.You want your decision based on facts, not just feelings. Learning skills to help you deal more effectively with strong emotions can prevent you from making a hasty decision you might regret. Additionally, it's best to seek wise counsel from people who you trust will speak truth to you (helping you see your situation realistically), possibly pointing out helpful issues you hadn't considered. The old adage, "When in doubt, don't," can apply here......"When in doubt (and in the heat of emotion), wait it out." You'll be much more confident when you make that final decision.....and wiser, too.

11/26/2016

Some “Random” Food For Thought…..Life can be a struggle at times, but it’s still a beautiful gift.

Life has a way of “changing” as we navigate through it. You can’t stop change and loss. You can only choose how you will adapt (and sometimes try and just survive) through it. When family dynamics change, our holiday experience can as well. For instance, my husband and I no longer have our parents and two of my brother-in-laws have passed away. There’s certainly a void with their absence. My husband and I now host Thanksgiving and Christmas at our house. It feels a bit “strange” at times, but we can still keep the spirit of our loved ones alive by openly reminiscing about them, carrying on traditions that they loved, and keeping their pictures out to treasure. (I made my first pecan pie recently and knew my mom would be proud. I actually think she was applauding from heaven!) So with change and loss, we are left to adjust to a “new normal”, even forming some new traditions of our own.

Additionally, another change….our kids have grown up! (The empty nest can happen in a flash). My husband and I aren’t anxiously looking through Toys R Us ads now, as their “toys” are completely different. I miss the days of buying toys! However, I can grieve that they are no longer little, or I can celebrate the wonderful adults they have become and enjoy the conversations we have……being a support and their biggest fan! Plus, we have a cat named Charlie…..and he keeps life in our home interesting.

What about the times when children grow up, move away, and don’t connect with their parents at all? What to do then? Give yourself permission to be hurt and disappointed, but strive to connect with your children off and on, even if they don’t reciprocate. Sending a card doesn’t cost much, but can remind a loved one that you miss them and are thinking of them. Taking the high road is the best way to travel!

Divorce presents another way family dynamics change. Oftentimes, relationships in the family can become strained and/or animosity/bitterness can result. Divorce is painful for everyone involved and is particularly complicated when there are children. No one truly “wins.” Parents can put their children in the unfair position of “choosing” one over the other. Children (whether little or grown) should NOT have to choose. They love both parents and don’t want to experience a “tug of war” between homes. Parents worsen the experience for their children by criticizing their “ex.” It’s hurtful to subject children to negatively labeling your “ex”……as this person is a very part of who your child is! Parents, strive to take the “high road”, regardless of the circumstances. Don’t let bitterness take root in your heart. It will metastasize and consume you. You will be in a sort of “emotional prison.” Remind yourself that you also have flaws.

…..what about when a parent abandons a child and shows no interest in their child’s life? Although extremely heartbreaking, this does happen. Children should allow themselves to go through the stages of grief. Depending on their age, counseling can be hugely beneficial in getting through this dark time. Often children will blame themselves. If I were only this way……if I only looked this way….if I hadn’t been such a pain…..Confronting this faulty thinking is important. The child is not to blame. It’s the parent that has issues.

And finally, what about loneliness during the holidays? It’s certainly a struggle for many. I find the best medicine to cure loneliness is not to wait for others to reach out to you, but to reach out to helping another. You could volunteer at various places, visit residents in a nursing home, or even invite people to your home for a meal. Have you entertained the idea of fostering children, or possibly "adopting" a child through Compassion International? Adopting a pet is another way to help with loneliness. Fur children can add lots of meaning and unconditional love to your life. And if you can't have a pet, how about volunteering at the Humane Society? In addition, being involved in a church gives a sense of belonging. You might consider getting involved in a Bible Study as this can result in new friendships and a strengthening of one’s faith.

Pam Field Counseling

01/27/2024

11/29/2023

03/03/2023

12/10/2022

05/06/2021

03/18/2020

10/28/2019

02/10/2019

07/17/2017

04/08/2017

11/26/2016

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