A Post-Mormon Psychologist

30/03/2023

Fixed it.

02/11/2022

I've worked with q***r members of the church before who were in the middle of similar journeys as David Archuleta. If you are q***r, I can't say what type of relationship you should have with the church. But if you've never heard it from anyone else- you are allowed to make your life how you want it to be. You can choose to distance yourself from the church for a week, a year, a lifetime. You are free to choose and I hope you can find peace as you navigate your one big, beautiful life.

Much love ❤🧡💛💚💙💜🖤

After three broken engagements to women and suffering suicidal thoughts, the American Idol alum opens up about his q***r identity and questioning the Mormon church

23/10/2022

Often, the Church has a culture of not respecting boundaries. Understanding and enforcing your own personal boundaries is a difficult set of skills to develop. Setting boundaries is important at church, work, with your family, and in other relationships.

What have you done to set and honor your own personal boundaries?

(This screenshot shared with permission from an anonymous post on an ExMormon Facebook group)

24/08/2022

“When the culture of any organization mandates that it is more important to protect the reputation of a system and those in power than it is to protect the basic human dignity of the individuals who serve that system or who are served by that system, you can be certain that the shame is systemic, the money is driving ethics, and the accountability is all but dead.”
― Brené Brown, Braving the Wilderness

25/06/2022

There are many reasons why a person might choose abortion. A sweeping decision to ban all abortions is dangerous and inhumane.

I post this as a Post-Mormon, but it happens to align with the counsel and policy of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

The overruling of Roe v Wade is not something to be celebrated.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints believes in the sanctity of human life. Therefore, the Church opposes e

21/06/2022

When talking with members of the church who care about LGBTQ+ issues, I will sometimes mention ways The Church, its universities, and political candidates or parties that are popular among Mormons have harmed the LGBTQ+ community. When I've done this I've had people respond by saying "but I love my gay brother!" "I have my pride pin!" or "I support the Church and its policies, but I also fully support the LGBTQ+ community!" The problem with these responses is that they are a deflection from the real issues I bring up. If you respond defensively when I say "The Church doesn't honor transgender people's pronouns in the records of the Church, and that can cause a lot of harm," you have missed the point.

There are people in the LGBTQ+ community who choose to participate in The Church and find beauty and meaning in its teachings and ordinances. True allies can also be found among the Saints. But these folx have their eyes open to the realities of the inequalities perpetuated in and by the Church, Church leaders, Doctrines, and Church policies. So if you consider yourself an Ally and a member of the Church I invite you to do more to actively advocate for inclusive changes in culture, attitudes, and policy in the Church.

There are many ways to do this, but I might suggest starting by working on yourself. Ask an LGBTQ+ loved one if they are willing to talk with you about their difficult experiences with the Church or its members. If they are willing, consider yourself lucky, then listen. Listen listen listen. Set aside any desire to "defend the Church." Just listen to the person you love and hear what they have to say.

If they are not willing to talk with you about those experiences, do not try to force it out of them. Take a chance to reflect on whether you have earned a reputation of being a safe person for Q***r people to talk to about their experiences. Instead, consider listening to or reading the experiences of other LGBTQ+ Mormons and ExMormons who have shared their experiences publicly. Take them seriously. Don't comment on their posts with rebuttals defending the Church. Take the opportunity to have your heart opened and changed by their stories.

I'll include some places to start listening to LGBTQ+ Mormon/ExMormon voices in the comments. If you are q***r and feel so inclined, I would love to have you add your own experiences in the comments. Feel free to share links to other LGBTQ+ voices. Take this opportunity to start making a change to celebrate Pride.

10/06/2022

Great tips for being a lifesaver for LGBTQ+ kids. It's good advice even if you aren't a parent.

(Dr. Spjut is a colleague I really admire. Consider giving her a follow.)

24/05/2022

Yesterday a mass shooter took the lives of 21 people, 19 of whom were children, at an elementary school in Uvalde, Texas.

I read the news and cried. My children got home from school and I went to find them and hug them tight. "Why are you hugging me, dad?" "Because I love you. How was school today? Anything interesting happen?" "No. I'm going to play."

In the face of senseless tragedy or the loss of innocents, many people reach out to God to comfort them. Searching for solace or meaning in these incomprehensible acts of cruelty makes sense. I wish for every person to be able to find peace. However, I fear immediately invoking God can sanitize and short-circuit grief. If we rely on God to erase our pain before we feel it, we deprive ourselves of being human. We extinguish the flames of hurt, sorrow, fear, and healing before they have a chance to burn. We might even invalidate another person's loss, grief, or pain by providing a thought or a scripture overused to the point of being an insult or a cliché.

There is no comfort for tragedy when one has lost faith in God either. It can feel overwhelming and all-consuming. If there is no God or no heaven, then there's no reassurance of an afterlife for those children who we have lost.

As my own faith crumbled around me I often had the refrain "where can I turn for peace? Where is my solace?" repeat over and over in my heart. There was no external source of peace for me anymore. Today I have no solace. I cannot offer solace sufficient for the events of today either.

But I offer all I can. Be assured of my love for you. You deserve it as a human being. People hate indiscriminately, so I choose to love as wildly as I can. My hope for you is to feel the weight and pain of today, but don't be dismayed by it. I hope you find others to be with you. To hold you. And that you will hold them up too. I hope you allow every feeling to be with you without chasing it away or excusing it. I believe in you and your capacity to feel and to heal.

I don't know how long the pain will last. I'm sure it'll ebb and flow. It might show up unannounced days, weeks, years from now. I hope you sit with it then too. But no feeling is eternal. It will not stay a constant crushing force forever. Some days it may be a dull ache. Perhaps other days sunshine or birdsong will replace the grief, if even just a moment. I hope you live for those moments.

I didn't say anything about the shooting to my children. They don't know other kids didn't come home from school today. I'm going to be a little more tender with them tonight. I'm going to read them an extra chapter in their book at bedtime. I'll let them have dessert. I'll sneak in and kiss their foreheads and pull the covers up over them after they fall asleep. I feel inadequate. I can't change the whole world. But I can make their lives a little bit better. I can be there for them. I can show them they can turn to me for peace.

My broken heart is with you as you grieve this tragedy and the weight of your own daily burdens. Whenever you can, I hope you will make positive changes with whatever large or small capacity you have. There's so much hurt and pain in the world. Someday, when you feel up to it, please add your love and kindness back into the world. We all need it.

[edited to include the updated number of people killed. It's the worst update I've ever had to make. I hope there will be no more.]×2

09/04/2022

I don't understand Jeffrey R. Holland. I don't want to believe he is malicious. I want to be generous with him and his motivations. But I can't make sense of how he can be so clumsy at best, or reckless with his recent public addresses, especially when his chosen topics are of such great importance.

in 2013, Elder Holland gave a talk about the realities of depression. On that occasion he described Major Depressive Disorder as "an affliction so severe that it significantly restricts a person’s ability to function fully, a crater in the mind so deep that no one can responsibly suggest it would surely go away if those victims would just square their shoulders and think more positively..." I was moved by that address when he delivered it. I had students in my Abnormal Psychology course at BYU watch the talk to ensure we were all on the same page with the fact that mental illness is real and should not be confused with being unworthy, sinning, or lacking in discipleship.

When listening to Elder Holland's most recent talk, I was disheartened by how much he has changed his tune. This last weekend Elder Holland spoke briefly about su***de as part of his General Conference address. Elder Holland is a smart person. I'm sure he knows that depression and other mood disorders are strongly linked to suicidal thoughts. After all, suicidal ideation does not come out of nowhere. About 60 percent of people who die by su***de had a diagnosable mood disorder. But by his own standard "no one can responsibly suggest" that "square shoulders" (2013) or "discipline - discipleship if you will" (2022) is the remedy for depression or suicidal thoughts. But he advocated specifically for that last weekend. I don't understand why.

In August of last year Elder Holland spoke to the faculty of BYU and addressed "the same-sex issue." In this address Elder Holland chose to use a violent metaphor of using muskets in the cause of "defending marriage as the union of a man and a woman." He stated that "a house divided cannot fail" and attempted to rally BYU faculty to stand on the side of the faith and ridiculed "[pride] flag waving" as causing confusion and division. According to the Trevor Project, about 1 in 4 LGBTQ+ people attempt su***de every year. One of the most important protective factors for this population, especially among young people, is having adults who are validating of their sexual orientation and/or affirming of their gender identity. Elder Holland was openly critical and opposed to the very notion of LGBTQ+ identities and experiences. That is the opposite of su***de prevention.

He will likely never read this post. But I will plead with him anyway.

Elder Holland, please stop speaking hollow words and giving lip service only to su***de prevention. Consult with mental health professionals about your remarks and the likely impact they will have on those who will hear them. Please help save lives by increasing words of validation, empathy, and tenderness instead of defending an interpretation of a gospel ideal that actively harms so many of our spiritual siblings. If you can’t do these things, please don’t address these issues at all.

Leave topics of mental health to those who will use words that save lives instead.

06/04/2022

In his remarks at General Conference this past week, Elder Holland explained that Professor Laurie Santos developed the most popular course in the history of Yale University called Psychology and the Good Life. He accurately points out that young people are very interested in how to have a happy, meaningful life. I was disappointed when Elder Holland gave no further insight into the content of Santos's course.

I have taught an undergraduate course in Positive Psychology that contained many of the same principles that Santos used in her course at Yale. It is a wonderfully rewarding course to teach because it is practically useful in helping the students improve their quality of life. There are specific, behavioral strategies for increasing physical health, mindful awareness, flow experiences, deepened relationships, and savoring of life's simple pleasures. There was even a lecture on how religion and spiritual practices can improve people's wellbeing, and when it does not.

Elder Holland, however, prescribed his own strategy for the good life that had nothing to do with Santos' work or the blossoming body of research of Positive Psychology. Elder Holland suggested that engaging in gospel activities such as going to the temples, attending church meetings, or fulfilling callings in wards and branches, including custodial duties, create happiness.

These activities COULD contribute to people's happiness, unless they don't. The temple can be uncomfortable or distressing to faithful saints. Wards might not be a safe environment for some. The stress and time commitment of some callings can make people's quality of life worse. I have personally participated in my share of chapel cleaning assignments, and I wouldn't say that scrubbing toilets for free has created a sense of lasting peace and happiness for me.

Elder Holland also cited wards, branches, and families as a source of support and joy. But what about if they aren't? I felt bonds of friendship in the ward I grew up in, but I struggled to feel accepted or wanted or needed in any ward after coming home from my mission service. I know I'm not alone in feeling like an outsider in a ward. There are countless people who may feel too different, too opinionated, too quiet, or too full of questions to be accepted and embraced at church on Sundays. Many people may come from abusive homes wrought with family conflict or even violence. The idea of eternal families is not a happy or comfortable one for all people.

Elder Holland claimed, "The Church offers the most eternally significant way to find good and do good," but he didn't cite his sources. He has an inherent appeal to his own apostolic authority, but when well-researched data and one's own lived experience are out of harmony with the claims of the leaders of the church, something will eventually give.

My hope is that each of us will trust our own judgment and be courageous enough to do what will truly make us happy instead of relying on an authority figure telling us what we "must" do to have a sense of joy or fulfillment in life.

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A free resource for educators of students ages 12-22 is available from Yale University's Santos here: https://www.psychologyandthegoodlife.com/

An excellent research-based book for improving your quality of life is The How of Happiness by Sonja Lyubomirski. It's the text for the Positive Psychology Course I taught at BYU. This is not a sponsored post, but if you are interested in learning more about The Good Life from experts in the field of psychology, this is a great place to start. http://thehowofhappiness.com/

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(This post, like all my posts is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for therapy with a qualified professional)

06/04/2022

For my own mental wellbeing, I tried to mostly avoid General Conference this past weekend. However when I heard that Elder Holland gave a talk "about su***de," I thought it might deserve my attention. I have listened to this talk a few times. There is much I could say about it. Elder Holland touches on topics of the good life, self-harm, su***de, and su***de prevention. I will write a few posts that will address different parts of his remarks.

Before I offer any of my own insights, I want to pose a couple of questions.

What did you learn from Elder Holland in this talk? Do you know any better how to help someone who is depressed, engaging in self-harm, or contemplating su***de? Do you know what makes people happy? If you have been experiencing rejection, loneliness, depression, or suicidal thinking, did this talk help?

I'm glad he used the phrase "death by su***de" instead of the more problematic phrase "committed su***de," but in this case I'm not convinced those words are enough.

What do you think?