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Andrea Kinnaugh, LMFT, Wake Forest, NC (2025)

11/06/2025

I'm of the belief that humans get to be messy, but they do not get to be hurtful. In some relational sessions, especially those coming to therapy with high conflict, I will hear one or both people say something along the lines that their person knew what they were like and that asking them to change their behavior feels like control and a complete rejection of them as a person. To that, I say, if they know the behavior is hurtful towards a person they care about, what is making them hold on to it??

Sometimes, consciously or subconsciously, we want to see if someone will still pick us even if we show them our most awful and hurtful parts. There are plenty of movies, songs, books, etc that highlight this exact pattern of proving that if someone can love us at our worst, that is true love. That my dears, besides begin a huge oof, is hurtful at minimum but can also move into abuse territory.

Here is your nudge to see the rejection of the behavior as an invitation for some needed self reflection. How are you expecting the person to respond when you do or say those things? Is that a fair ask? Have they shared with you that they don't like it when you do that, but you still do it any way - how come? Who knows, you may want to change some things based on what you find.

10/30/2025

Did you know that metaphors are an actual clinical tool?? Metaphors accomplish the delicate balance of softening a hard topic while also making the abstract concrete. In this post, a door symbolically can be many things - your life, your career, your heart, .... or any other place you can choose to have someone enter.

With that said, many people come to therapy to problem solve someone else. They want to know why this person cannot commit, take the next step, or choose them. These are fair questions, but the real question is not about the other person - it's about them. How come they are choosing to put their wants on hold and wait for someone or something??

Many worry if they close the door, the opportunity won't come back, again. Instead, the thinking about it can feel way better than actually feeling it. What I have to say to that is, beautiful, they've already rejected you - why are you holding the door to see if they will do it again??

When someone has passed us by and then decides they want a second chance, that chance is your choice. Here's your nudge to make them knock and then decide whether or not they deserve a second look.

10/22/2025

Hello, hello to October! Such a gorgeous month with a bittersweet touch. It's the beginning of sweater weather and the holidays, but with each falling leaf, it symbolically represents change and the end of a life cycle.

This month has been an especially heavy one for me. We said goodbye to our old man pup and had our final celebration of life for my dad. So much of the therapeutic work that I do is around not fearing the emotions associated with loss and actually feeling them. Personally, they're not my favorite to feel either, but one of the things I adore about humans is that we are gifted with the opportunity to love knowing full well it cannot last forever. It makes absolutely no sense that we choose such a path, and yet it's beautiful.

This month's playlist dances with your imagination, peaks at the skeletons in your closet, and maybe makes the spooky vibes sexy.

As for the glimmers ✨️

Nothing says fall like a cute pair of loafers, a spooky film with a cute date is a perfect October night for me (this is one of my favorites), I love a decorative taper and these corn ones are lovely, I hold onto seasonal magazines - this Martha is circa 2018 and continues to serve, candy corn just says Halloween and chews like plastic in the best way, and how can it be October without pumpkins, right?!

I hope this month brings you moments of fun and ease ✨️✨️✨️

10/16/2025

I had a professor in grad school ask me what I believed controlled people the most - their thoughts, feelings, or behaviors?
They said my belief would determine the type of therapy and theories I would subscribe to. My answer - none of those exist without informing the other - hense why I'm a systemic therapist, who leans into somatic, experiential, and holistic practices. Obviously 💅🏻

It can say a lot when figuring out what order you typically process those three. Like, It's a very different experience to think, feel, and act compared to act, feel, and think - right??

So is there a best order?? Honestly, there's too much context and nuance to sort, pivot, and explain all the decision tree options. So, to simplify, here are some examples to ponder:
Rarely does acting first benefit anyone unless it's a crisis or comfort response.
Feeling first is beautiful and supports congruency, but it usually needs thinking to be next.
Thinking is the safest start, but if it jumps to acting without feeling, the action can be dismissive

The true magic is accepting that all three are present and that you get to decide which order best suits you and your relationships.

10/02/2025

To yearn is to crave someone. It lives in the anticipatory tension of what has already happened and the fantasy of what is to come. Most importantly, it's the knowing that no one else will do.

Most of the gorgeous, s**tty books out there are built on the recipe of yearning. But it appears that outside of the fantasy realms, this is something the current dating climate of situationships and long term relationships turned roommates seem to be lacking according to some clients and confirmed by the baristas I spoke with this morning.

So how do you yearn??

While there is no exact recipe, at its core, it's about cultivating desire instead of focusing on a conquest. It's the highest level of a sexual, emotional IQ because not only are you leaning into vulnerability and sentiment, but you're able to put your ego aside and take the risk to be fully seen. You are willing to show an unwavering commitment to their desires and your pursuit of them.

Just like all good things, this includes a cautionary tale. I often find that people think they are yearning for those who have already rejected them or for those that they let slip away. My dear, please do not confuse yearning with the longing that comes with grief.

**t

09/24/2025

When I work with artists / creatives, I like to ask them which parts of their work they want to hold just for themselves?? For actors or dancers, it could be what parts of their body they want only seen or touched by their chosen persons?? For all, we explore which emotions and stories they want to protect.

These questions act as a reminder that just because we have so much to give, it doesn't mean we have to share it.

Vulnerability was never meant to be unconditional. We get to choose which parts of ourselves or our work others are deserving to see or experience. As someone who was in dance companies, I never thought much about how much of my body was shown on stage, but I loved the choice to hide it when I wasn't. It gave me the autonomy to share it off stage with those who I really wanted to see the non-performing, real me. The same can be true about what topics people write about, the types of painting they do, the music they play - there can be a public and a private version.

What makes us feel exposed or vulnerable is different for everyone. In a culture that is so public with social media, I think it's important to know that you get to refrain from sharing the best pieces of you with the masses. You can even just keep them to yourself - those gems are yours.

09/18/2025

Hello, hello to September! If things aren't feeling chaotic enough for you out there, I decided to do a little name change with these posts from monthly baskings to glimmers.

I was recently chatting with a friend who shared that she looks forward to my monthly posts and that they remind her to look for glimmers. As much as I loved the concept of baskings, glimmers capture more of what these items are - little things in my daily life that bring me joy. With that said, glimmers can be everyday items, but I strongly encourage you to look for them outside of your everyday routine - allow yourself to notice the random and the whimsy.

This month's playlist encourages giddy late night chats, yearning, screams, and slow dances with your shadow work.

As for the glimmers, a sweater vest that is light enough to respect that it's still summer, chocolate covered cherry treats, a little something to help the digestion of those cozy comfort meals, pottery that grates garlic and looks gorgeous, pumpkin spice snacks because sometimes it's fun to be basic, and having fun cutting apples and collecting fall foliage that makes your inner child smile.

09/11/2025

We've all been there. Your brain just keeps replaying the same story over and over again. In what seems to be a forever loop of analysis, is actually your rumination trying to think a feeling. You read that correctly. So why would some want to think a feeling??

When we're hurting, our brains tend to crave two things - why did this happen and how can we prevent this from happening again. This problem-solving mode kicks in because we have all these uncomfortable feelings and sensations occurring, and the brain is doing all it can to avoid the discomfort and protect ... but the discomfort and the feelings are exactly what we need to feel.

Rumination or overthinking is a symptom of not feeling, and I'm sorry to say, but you can not out-think a feeling. The more you try to stuff it down or logic it away, the louder it gets, and the rumination loop will just continue like a not so fun merry-go-round. Oof! So how do you get off this ride??

So, you're going to feel your feelings AND you're going to allow yourself to feel conflicting feelings at the same time. You're going to allow for the wallowing and allow for moments of fun and pleasure. Increasing our capacity to hold multiple feelings at the same time tells our brains this doesn't have to be one or the other. When we increase our capacity to feel, our feelings are no longer something our brain thinks we need protection from, and we're less likely to get caught up in all those not-so-fun problem solving thoughts.

09/04/2025

Whether it's the friend who seems to always make a bad choice, a family member who wants you to be their therapist, or an extremely discombobulated colleague who never has their work sorted, sometimes we just need to know that their mess is not ours to fix.

Caring about or even loving someone doesn't mean it's your job to prevent them from experiencing discomfort or dealing with the consequences of their own actions. Also, and maybe the most important part is that it doesn't make you selfish / a bad person / lacking empathy / narcissist / etc. to set a boundary around what's theirs and not yours.

Humor me if you will, and think of the most time and energy sucking adult in your life. Now I want you to think of all the time and energy of yours that you've given them. Lastly, think about what you could do with all that time and energy back.

Like, sit with that for a minute.

How good it would feel to have even a percentage of what's yours going towards you??

08/27/2025

I believe the saying goes that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. As someone who assesses such things as institutional level of care, I don't think this will meet the criteria for a psychiatric hospital stay, but it is still 💯 frustrating. So why do people want things to be different but continue to do the same things??

There is the slot machine effect, also known as operant conditioning. We see someone else "winning" and build routines around what worked for them in hopes we will get the same wins. Or maybe something worked for us before, and we keep doing the same things in the hope of recreating past results. Sometimes, you could see all writing on the wall to just try something new, but unfamiliar feels so unsafe that you misread it as proof not to do something different.

When we hold the possibility of creating the life we want there is this balance of accepting some things are out of our control, letting go of old beliefs and patterns that no longer serve us, and allowing for all the new. All of those carry some Oof! To exercise the neuroplasticity that makes change feel safe, you have to start working it. So here is your gentle nudge to start small and lean into the unfamiliar and allow your body to feel the possibility of it working out.

08/21/2025

Happy August baskings! By the time this month rolls around, I'm ready for the seasons to change. It's quite difficult to be in the moment when you want to be in a different moment - am I right?? Most of us find we are in two places at the same time - a past memory while hanging with a current friend or grieving the loss while beginning something new. Instead of constantly reminding ourselves to be in the present, I invite you to allow your present to be a combination of memories, current needs, and future wishes. They're all part of present you.

The playlist this month is for last-minute road trips, hopes for new connections, and getting closer to those who give you all the good feels. Enjoy!

As for the baskings..
So much of being a therapist is balancing caffeine intake, hydration, and finding ways to get food into your system between sessions - so here are my current go-tos. I must say, this instant espresso was a happy, frothy surprise.
I love a journal, but this one is my life. It's part planner, diary, notebook, and wishes. Needless to say, I would be horribly embarrassed if anyone ever read this, but also, don't steal my ideas.
This fancy little bottle is a laundry scent booster that just makes everything smell wonderful. This one is called old money, and I have a patchouli one too - they both give me joy.

I hope you have moments of fun and ease ✨️

08/14/2025

At some point during a relational session, I like to remind folks that their relationship is a choice. It's meant as an invitation, but I also know it's an oof! It's a humbling and, for some, an unsettling truth that we are not stuck with anyone - we are a choice. Either way, it's the moment I welcome people to experience who they are in their relationship and how they're choosing to show up.

A post like this is just as tricky as when I discuss it in a session because the sentiment is not about proving to someone they should choose you or making someone prove themselves worthy to be with you.
To be clear - nothing in this is about asking you to be a pick-me.
This is about how each person is taking care of the other. Are you choosing to show up with kindness, respect, and genuine curiosity? If you are not doing those things, why should someone continue to choose to keep you in their life?

Part of taking care of a relationship is making sure our hurts and complexities do not sabotage the connections we want. If you struggle with pushing people away even when you want them to stay or you find yourself staying with people who have you chasing them, see this as a sweet nudge to do your own work so your relationships can feel fun and secure.

Andrea Kinnaugh, LMFT

11/06/2025

10/30/2025

10/22/2025

10/16/2025

10/02/2025

09/24/2025

09/18/2025

09/11/2025

09/04/2025

08/27/2025

08/21/2025

08/14/2025

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