01/19/2026
People pleasing is not kindness. It’s a trauma response you’ve developed to survive.
Many of us were taught that if we explained ourselves better, gave more context, more effort, more access to our thoughts, people would finally understand us. Love us. Choose us. Validate us.
But over-explaining isn’t clarity. It’s a trauma response.
People don’t over-explain because they’re bad communicators. They over-explain because they learned early that being misunderstood wasn’t safe. Because they were surrounded by people committed to misunderstanding them.
So they gave more. Helped more. Advised more. Over-delivered in hopes that someone would finally see their worth.
That wasn’t kindness. That was survival, often shaped by controlling, obedience-based environments where love was conditional.
People-pleasing masked as kindness is self-abandonment dressed up as generosity. It’s explaining when no explanation is owed. Giving when it costs boundaries. Shrinking in hopes of being chosen.
Unlearning it isn’t about becoming colder.
It’s about becoming free.
