10/02/2022
Here is my response to the first issue I have mentioned about stepfamilies. In case you missed it, the issue was: Is the word "step" a good one to use to describe one's family or is there a better one?
So, like many other professional Stepfamily counselors, I maintain the word "step" because of its historical meaning. My Word Origins book traces it back to Middle English where the word "steop," meant to grieve or be bereaved. Back then, it applied to a family that was grieving the loss of a husband/father or wife/mother by death, divorce or abandonment. It was a "steop-family," grieving such a loss, especially the children. A man marrying into that grieving family of wife-and-children was known as a "steopfather," to the children. Likewise, a woman marrying a man with children was known as a "steopmother."
Today, most stepfamilies are formed out of the divorce and remarriage of someone with children; or, the remarriage of someone with children whose spouse has died.
Here are some of the losses in such a remarriage: someone has left the house, probably the spouse and some or all of the children. Someone else is coming into the house, bringing some or all of their children. Or, the one moving in may not have children and is grieving not only a previous divorce, but is lost in a new world of someone else's children who don't understand this new "stepparent," and who want their "real" mom or dad back.
This is grief to the highest degree! And, frankly, everyone must grieve their losses rather than "blend." In fact, what about that blender in your kitchen. What does it do? It chops and slices fruits and vegetables until everything looks and tastes the same, right? is this what should happen in a "blended" family? Of course not. These are children who should remain whole as they try to understand the emotions they are feeling about these new strangers and toward their biological parent who divorced or was divorced by their other "real" parent for this one. Even if it was a "mutual" divorce, the children likely feel abandoned.
This is a step, or grieving, family. In my professional opinion and personal experience, "blended" is a cosmetic term that covers up the pain experienced in a family of loss. That pain needs to be felt and expressed rather than covered up with superficial make-up.
In other words, "stepfamilies do not blend; they grieve their losses together and grow gradually into a new and very real family."
Thanks for reading and considering my thoughts. This is hard stuff! Replies are welcome and you don't have to agree.
'Til next time,
Russ Waldrop
