02/07/2026
Thinking about Rachel, on her death anniversary today, my sister born when I was 3, took her life at ahe 19, when I was 22, jist hsving immigrated to Denmark wotj my fiancee.. Her short years here and her tragic end, continues to shaper how I interact in this world. Rachel was a sweet, sensitive, singer and artist, sophmore at U of M, studying Danish, to come vosit me, and psychology, a young woman that just could not be here anymore, and as I am now 40 years older than her, my life has taken on many adventures, more than most will ever experience, because I don't take one single day for granted, and I wanted to do the things they would.never get to do.
When Teddy, 20, 4 years later took his life, when I was 26, I made a conscious decision to never breed children of my DNA. I later changed my mind, had 13 miscarriages, tjen gave up finally at age 43. Now at 59, with no partner in sight, and no children or grandchildren, I am truly alone for the rest of my life, and free, in many ways to have some more years of joy, tjen disappear with no lineage. Most men do not want a partner with no kids, my tragic genetic background, no matter how kind or gifted my career has been and how.many thousands I have touched in this world.
As I start my new decennial, all I ask is no more major surgeries, no more tragic deaths, and no more living in USA where cell phones have replaced books and in person connections, guns are so easy to find and use, and medications have replaced therapy, dinner table home cooked meals and exercise outdoors for most Americans.
I have little hope or energy left that I even made a hairline fracture of influence from my tragic short lived life as the oldest sibling of 4. I do plan this year, to finally hablve the courage, energy and funds to publish my live podcast, my scholar research and stories as a psychotherapist of 30+ years, so that somehow my only legacy as a story teller, will help even one suicidal soul, and those like me, who will become forgotten mourners, a sibling surirvor of su***de, preventable, not once, but twice.
There is no god that would have this happen. My god is not the god I learned at catholic school. My god is a smiling, pudgy buddah that welcomes me and does not judge, who believes in healing in communites that do not discriminate, not silent prayers, and child neglect of.mental health help to it's parishioners.
This is heaven, and I do what I can to make it heaven for those around me. This is also hell, in that there are more and more evil leaders that allow the destruction of innocent lives, and make it nearly impossible for us, the healers and researchers to exist both morally and financially in a social media controlled society that puts politics and $$$ ahead of medical healing, pills and injections, forced upon vulnerable populations, as seen during the plandemic.
I welcome death, and have never feared it. I fear continuing to have to watch more su***des, neglectful parents, abuse of elderly, murders, and evil parents raising evil children, that are running the country and causing direct harm to innocent immigrants that lose their lanfuage, music food and morals when they come to USA, then become so angry that will grow up to either kill themselves or others.
Please send your positive energy to give me the strength to continue to heal myself, share my healing of yoga, sailing, art and dance, speak my words, publish my research, poetry and life experience and advocate for those sitting right now, with a gun to their head, before it is too late. I have no one to carry on my work, and Rachel and Teddy's stories need to be told or neglact in the catholic schools and murdering prescribers will continue to kill.
