04/22/2026
Yes, even in Westfield,NJ, domestic violence happens.
As a mental health professional, one who works with couples and families who are going through divorce/separation, or relationship hurdles, I am asking for us to please keep an eye on each other better.
Let’s try to be there for neighbors or friends who are hurting.
It’s so easy with our busy lives to not have time but if you notice someone hurting, please share resource numbers or even just a hug or smile.
Let them know they are not alone.
Our Town of Westfield, NJ Police Department and SWAT did an outstanding job yesterday in keeping us all safe and alerting the entire community. These are actually the most dangerous situations for 1st responders. Just look at the stats. They have families and loved ones who need them home safe. We are fortunate everyone is safe and unharmed today.
If you know anyone going through a rocky relationship or a divorce, please try to be there for them safely as sometimes people are just not themselves or thinking clearly out of desperation, delusion that the other person is not allowed to leave, or in pain that the relationship is ending and not handling it well at all.
This can happen to both men and women, not just women. There can be stalking and harassment which escalates, arguments which can be emotionally abusive and become physical, control over finances and movement, even in seemingly untouchable towns like Westfield.
After working with families here for the past years, and the surrounding communities, I have seen a lot and had to intervene when needed to help them obtain resources when they came to me for help.
There can be substance abuse including drinking which clouds our judgment and exacerbates our feelings. The most tragic part of all is when children of any age are involved. There is no recommended age to divorce or split up - but it is recommended whenever there is any kind of family dynamics change, whenever your safe place of a home feels threatened or upside down, it’s time to get help.
Know as a friend or neighbor, you can sometimes help just by sharing crisis numbers and or calling those numbers yourself to see how you can help . You can even contact a trusted Rabbi or priest/pandit or minister for guidance or support. They often know these numbers as well in case of crisis.
The official resources below can send someone to check on the family , the victim, or the children. These calls are anonymous and taken seriously and you can save a life.
If you heard the news this week, you heard about the Shreveport shootings by a troubled vet who shot his own children and spouse, & many others caught in the crossfire including children.
We do not need another tragedy here.
If you are a father or mother, anyone , who feels you are being abused and especially if you have children witnessing the tensions, and pain, understand that children absorb so much more than we realize at any age.
They are silently hurting in ways that can last a lifetime and they are often left with lifelong pain and challenges with relationships, emotional regulation and self-esteem sometimes even tragically repeating the cycle of abuse.
Emotional abuse is as harmful as physical abuse and the sooner you can reach out for help for yourself, the better for yourself and your loved ones. We know how words sting for our children but when an adult is degraded, diminished and made to feel less than day in and day out, that is not love.
FACT: Allowing children to remain in an abusive situation they are absorbing emotionally and mentally, is abusive, so it is time to get help.
Children love both parents unconditionally even with abuse going on which is part of their confusion and their steadfast loyalty.
They just want peace and to feel home and YOU are their safe place.
When your home is no longer safe for you, or your children emotionally, (and sometimes physically), it is time to get help and talk to someone . If your home is not safe physically, it’s time to leave immediately with your children when possible.
If you are a man though, even though it is rarer for men, please do not feel ashamed. We know that it happens and sometimes abuse is evident in the most affluent homes where it can be hidden so well. Forget the stigma and stereotypes, it happens and abuse is never love.
You will be heard but you first need to stop making excuses for the abuse and recognize you matter and your mental health matters. Abuse is not love. Abuse is coercion and control in many ways and no human being deserves this no matter what the reasons given by the abuser who often minimizes the abuse and claims you perceived it wrong.
If you are a woman, it is easier to leave and take the children if your physical safety is involved and you must always place your safety first. You can ask for help from the police to do this safely too.
Make a plan, share it with a friend, and know you are worth it. These are the boundaries children need to see when someone you love hurts you.
Staying only gives your abuser permission to continue the physical harm even if it is once a year.
For parents remember, there is a reason you put your oxygen mask on first in a flight emergency. The same concept applies here. You must get help for yourself first.
Reaching out for help for yourself takes courage but you can do this.
Reach out for help as a couple if you see hope in healing and a possible future still with your partner or spouse and physical abuse or threats are not involved.
Emotional abuse can be as destructive as physical to trust, self-concept, love and your family unit but you must decide if getting outside help might be worth trying if it is a new pattern or your partner wants to change.
And always get help for your children even when they were just “observers“.
Children never just observe. They care and want to fix and blame themselves and sometimes are slowly deeply hurting inside when parents struggle. They need to know they are not at fault for the relationship struggling or not working out, and loved more than ever. They need to hear this over and over again.
YOU matter. When you forget you matter, your children see this as well and often begin repeating unhealthy patterns exhibiting signs of anxiety, Depression, irrational fears, interrupted and poor sleep, isolation, self-harm and even suicidal ideation.
It’s never easy to ask for help from a stranger and share intimate stories with anyone but it’s critical to end the secrecy. The secrecy is what helped continue the abuse behind the walls of your home. It helped fool the neighbors, family and friends that your life was just fine and there was nothing to see. But it also helped your partner continue the pain and abuse.
Once a partner knows, you shared with others, their control over you has just diminished dramatically. It can also be a volatile time so keep safety as your main goal.
The domestic abuse hotline to call is below and their website is www.thehotline.org .
I have worked with them over decades and they are extremely resourceful and helpful. They have helped even transport families to shelter safely and work hand in hand with our 1st responders and myself.
“ Where can I call? “
🔸1-800-799-7233 ( enter this in your cell phones in case anyone you care about ever needs help)
🔸The number for immediate help if you are in crisis is 988 or 911 so that help can be sent. You can even TEXT 988 to talk to a licensed crisis counselor.
🔸The number to call for children who may be in the midst of a volatile abusive situation is Child Protective Services.
1 (877) 652-2873
🔷 Remember calls are anonymous and confidential.
🔷You are not calling to get anyone in trouble.
🔷You are not calling to state there is abuse but only asking the professionals to please check and make sure the children are okay based on what you know or suspect.
🔷CPS investigates neglect too so if you see a child who looks cold, hungry or unsupervised in an unsafe situation, they bring in supports too.
🔷Often times - these calls can be lifesaving and resources and supports for all are offered or ordered to avoid tragedies.
Please enter the Child Protective Services hotline number in your cell phone :
1 (877) 652-2873
I know if this post resonates with you, this was not easy to read. But know you are not alone. There is no judgment here. Please treat yourself gently and know life is too short to ever equate abuse with love.
There is even help for those who abuse but first take care of you.
There are some very courageous fathers and mothers right here in our community I know , who are realizing this and doing just that now.
🩵Have a good day and remember our children see and feel it all even when we think they are too busy, too young, too sleepy, too immersed in a book or their social media or video games to notice.
They notice. I hear it in daily sessions with kids and teens. They notice because they love you.
I write this as a child advocate and a crisis intervention specialist. We are in this together. Feel free to reach out to us if we can help you navigate resources and supports or you just have a question. It’s all confidential.
It’s never too late to put yourself first and start a fresh path for you and your children. They may not be able to thank you now but the thanks you will get will be in the healthy kinder choices they make in relationships and self-care in the future. 💙
Treat yourself gently. This will not be easy if you are trying to survive an abusive relationship, but you can do this.
Sincerely,
Alessandra Kellermann
Gentle Insight,LLC
GentleInsightHelp@gmail.com
734-330-8203
🔷
