01/26/2026
Most of our deepest disappointments with other people don’t come from what they did, but from what we expected them to do. We often assume that others will respond with the same understanding, integrity, or emotional awareness that we bring to a situation. We imagine they’ll read between the lines, value what we value, and protect what we protect. But that expectation ignores the fact that they are living from an entirely different inner world.
Everyone carries a different history, with different wounds and models of love, conflict, loyalty, and communication. What feels obvious to you might never have been taught to them. What feels like basic care to you might feel unfamiliar, overwhelming, or unnecessary to someone else.
Understanding this can soften a lot of resentment. It helps explain why people disappoint us without turning them into villains. It reminds us that not every hurt is intentional, and not every disagreement is personal. And as the Buddhists taught us, fewer expectations mean less suffering. When we stop demanding that people become versions of ourselves, we free both them and us.
But this doesn’t mean we should abandon relationship expectations altogether; healthy ones are key. It’s reasonable to expect honesty, respect, effort, emotional safety and reciprocity from someone close to you. You’ll find more information on this in my book, Things No One Taught Us About Love.
Please rememebr that empathy doesn’t require self-abandonment. You can understand why someone behaves the way they do and still decide that their way of relating doesn’t work for you. You can honour their story without volunteering to be harmed by it. It’s not a choice between compassion and boundaries; both are needed.
Sometimes the most loving choice is not to demand that someone change, but to accept who they are and quietly choose distance. Not every connection is meant to be maintained, and not every misunderstanding needs to become a lesson in endurance. You’re allowed to choose relationships that feel safe and mutual. That allow you to be yourself without shrinking or abandoning who you are.
