03/01/2026
The Damage Done When You’re Forced to Be “Reasonable” About What Hurt You.
There is a specific kind of wound that doesn’t come from chaos.
It comes from being told to stay calm
about something that wasn’t okay.
To be fair.
To be understanding.
To “see both sides.”
While something in you was being crossed, ignored, or broken.
You weren’t allowed to rage.
You weren’t allowed to fall apart.
You weren’t allowed to say, This is wrong.
You were asked to be reasonable.
So you learned how.
You explained harm instead of feeling it.
You intellectualised pain instead of protesting it.
You made sense of things that should have been stopped — not analysed.
And people praised you for it.
“You’re so mature.”
“You’re very self-aware.”
“You handle things so well.”
But inside, something went quiet.
Not healed.
Muted.
Because here’s the truth no one tells you:
Being reasonable in unreasonable situations doesn’t make you strong.
It teaches your nervous system that your instincts are dangerous.
That anger is unsafe.
That clarity costs connection.
That staying attached requires self-erasure.
So you became composed instead of protected.
Insightful instead of defended.
Calm instead of safe.
That isn’t growth.
That’s containment.
And it’s why, later, you might feel numb where anger should live.
Why you can explain your trauma perfectly but still feel disconnected.
Why your body feels tired even when you “understand everything.”
You didn’t lose your anger because you healed.
You lost it because it wasn’t allowed.
Here’s the reframe that changes everything:
Anger isn’t regression.
It’s orientation.
Not explosive rage — but clean anger.
The kind that says: That crossed a line.
That shouldn’t have happened.
I deserved protection.
You don’t heal by making peace with what violated you.
You heal by restoring your right to respond honestly.
You were never meant to be reasonable
about things that required safety — not perspective.
Your composure was survival.
Your maturity was adaptation.
And now, you’re allowed to give yourself something back:
The dignity of saying — without explaining, softening, or justifying —
That was not okay.
And letting your body finally agree.
That agreement isn’t anger taking over.
It’s you coming back online.
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