I Matter

05/09/2022

Hello there!

I have had a very challenging time with postpartum depression after my daughter was born. This has led me to only focus on that which is essential for my health.

In the last 3 months, I have been doing much better after seeking methods of healing from my depression. I may share more about this sometime.

But today, I am sharing about self-care and resilience, which have been crucial to my personal healing.

If you would like to learn more about these topics then join me and another Psychology lecturer from Malaysia for an online webinar this Wednesday at 2pm (SAST).

Link to register is below:

SACAP Global and Taylor’s University collaborate in this webinar busting myths about self-care and exploring our relationship with resilience

21/10/2021

Join me in becoming a better listener where we will:

👂Explore what it means to truly listen
👂Understand how ineffective listening damages our relationships
👂Learn how to build trust and a feeling of safety through how we listen
👂 Practise active listening

Details: This will be hosted through weekly ONLINE sessions. You may attend once-off or every week.

DURATION: Sessions will be 30 - 45 mins long.
WHEN: Tuesdays @ 6pm
COST: Free

I'm inspired to offer this because I feel a lack of listening is the cause of most relationship conflict and hostility - whether between spouses or strangers.

Nobody really knows how to listen - unless you've done the work in getting your stuff out of the way so that you can hear what's being said - and not what you think is being said.

Through true listening, you can build empathy, improve your relationships and gain more perspectives through which to view life.

If this invitation calls you, rsvp at
imatterworkshops@gmail.com for the login details.

13/10/2021

My soul chose your soul; your soul chose mine

Thank you for this perfect match ❤️

07/10/2021

Becoming a parent may (momentarily) distract you from your marital challenges, but those challenges will not go away. In fact, they are likely to deepen and worsen as you and your partner shift from couple status to family status. This wedge between the two of you will only widen with the responsibilities of parenthood and the presence of a baby.

You will have less time, physical energy and emotional capacity to care for your marriage; and this may last for years!

So no, do not opt to bring a child into a space that does not even feel safe for you. Instead, work on your marital challenges. You may need communication skills, healthy conflict strategies, greater empathy, more lightheartedness...

Whatever it is, do not expect a baby to give you the emotional intimacy that only the two of you as adults can create.

04/10/2021

Having a baby is like an infomercial... There's always more!

More physical changes
More socio-emotional development
More cognitive growth

These rapid shifts are difficult to keep up with, but they show us our baby's transition from the spiritual world to the physical world.

The best that we can do is to be adaptable as their bodies adapt. This often means holding them more - during the day and night so that they know they are emotionally ok despite being in physical discomfort.

Yes, it feels endless and exhausting and yes, we need to take breaks. But remind yourself too that you are your baby's source of safety, and nothing is more precious than that ❤️

30/09/2021

I want to apologise

I used to challenge the 'ideal' body type.
I used to cheer on women who did not fit this ideal, but still carried their bodies with pride and love.
I used to be a passionate advocate for body positivity.

Then I gave birth.

And now I hide my flabby tummy beneath baggy layers
Now I disguise my broader hips and waist under black clothing
Now I cringe at my own nakedness

I am surprised at how difficult it is for me to champion myself around my own body image.

And so I apologise because right now I am not the woman I want to be - not to you and not to myself.

But mostly, I am not the woman I want to be to my daughter, who looks up to me for guidance on how to treat herself.

And so I will be conscious in learning to look at my new body, not to judge or try to change it back to what it was. But to accept and love it as it is ❤️

28/09/2021

Mothers often feel guilty

For being tired
For being overwhelmed
For not being able to do everything
For wanting a break
For getting angry (extra guilt for this one!)
For asking for help
For not being perfect
For feeling guilty!

We have these feelings because our brains are hardwired to polarise situations. We see being a good mother as being selfless, cheerful, graceful, forgiving, accepting...
And being any other way makes us a bad mother.

This unrealistic view causes great distress, but we can programme our brains to build a more balanced and honest view of what it means to be a mother.

To do this:
1. Acknowledge when you feel tired, frustrated, resentful, etc.
2. Know that it is just a feeling, not who you are.
3. Listen to what the feeling is communicating.
4. When you are ready (perhaps today, perhaps next month, perhaps a year from now), take different actions or behaviours.

24/09/2021

'Your hubby deserves father of the year award' - Obstetrician
'He's the best father in this ward' - Nurses
'I've never seen a more involved dad' - My mom
'I take my hat off to him. He's one in a million' - My dad

We are not used to seeing men in active and positive father roles. Instead, we still see fathers as the breadwinners who don't change nappies and don't bath the kids. And because these expectations are so low, we are surprised when we do see fathers being present and involved. I am guilty of this too.

I catch myself feeling sorry for my hubby because 'he works AND looks after our baby' even though I do too!

I think he should see to his personal needs over his fatherly duties because - as the mom - I'm the primary caregiver.

Or that my 'maternal instinct' knows better because there's no such thing as 'paternal instinct'.

But seeing my hubby with our daughter reminds me that fathers are as valuable, competent and as caring as mothers are.

Thank you, my dear love, for reframing my view of what it means to be a father; and for imprinting this impression onto our daughter ❤️

20/09/2021

As women - and even more so as mothers - we tend to adopt the MARTYRDOM PERSONA where we prioritise everything and everyone above ourselves.

This is because we have grown up seeing our mothers, grannies, aunts and teachers do this. We unconsciously glorify the role of a martyr as being pleasing and selfless. So we unconsciously do it. We think that as mothers, we are meant to be exhausted all the time and overwhelmed by life. We tell ourselves and others that we need to 'keep going and 'keep it all together' for the sake of everyone else.

Then we feel burnt-out and resentful towards those whom we've been 'selflessly' serving.

But with awareness, we can change this pattern for ourselves and our daughters.

As a new mom, I asked for and allowed help from my village of people right from day 1. From 'I need company' to 'I need a breastfeeding pillow' to 'will you please cook for me?' I made many requests, and I know that it was because of that support that I did not get stuck in postpartum depression, but
instead dipped in and out of it. Smiles between the tears; laughter between the bouts of anger. I am very lucky to have help - but I am also brave to ask and allow it.

Will you be brave and allow yourself to be helped too?

17/09/2021

How to soothe a crying baby

Different styles include the cradle, the swing, the bounce or the classic.

But nothing beats the headphones!

13/09/2021

After my daughter was born, I would randomly and inexplicably get infuriated. My body would heat up, my brain would go into fight mode and I'd start dropping f-bombs! These were mostly directed at my hubby.

I didn't understand what was going on, neither did my husband and this made my reactivity much more challenging.

That's when I came across the term 'postpartum rage' - an overwhelming anger experienced after birth due to a woman's hormonal changes, sudden exhaustion and massive new role as a mama. And the reason women direct this anger at their partners? Because they cannot direct it at their newborns!

After learning this, I would breathe through the rising anger and remind myself that it is not who I am; who I am is loving and caring towards my partner who is also doing his best in our new roles as parents.

With this awareness, I stopped becoming the anger and started listening to it. I learnt that it was telling me to honour myself and not just my baby, to reconnect with my hubby as partners and not just as parents, and to ask for help.

Slowly, the anger dissipated and - around 2 months - disappeared completely.

But my story could have been very different had I not become aware of postpartum rage.

If you are a mama or you know of mamas experiencing postpartum rage, share this with them, don't invalidate their experience and let them know it will pass.

07/09/2021

Being a mama is a full-time, day and night, physical, psychological and emotional preoccupation.

The first few months are the most challenging because newborns are hardly responsive.

But around 3 months, they smile, grin and even laugh!

When Zahara giggles, my heart fills and bubbles with love and all the day's challenges are forgotten😍

Ah, motherhood, what an experience of contradictions!