Andiswa Mbatha Counselling Psychologist - Minding Minds

Andiswa Mbatha Counselling Psychologist - Minding Minds A psychologist in Durban South Africa.

Couples therapy is about feeling heard and understood again.It creates space for two people to heal, grow, and reconnect...
04/11/2025

Couples therapy is about feeling heard and understood again.

It creates space for two people to heal, grow, and reconnect.

17/08/2025

LOVE & EXTENDED FAMILY: SETTING BOUNDARIES WHILE HONOURING CULTURE.

In many cultures, love doesn’t exist in a vacuum—it’s intertwined with the voices, expectations, and presence of extended family. For couples, this can be a beautiful source of support, identity, and belonging. Yet, it can also become a source of tension when family involvement crosses into areas that should be private to the couple.

The challenge? Setting healthy boundaries while still honoring the cultural values that bind us.

WHY BOUNDARIES MATTER IN RELATIONSHIPS

Boundaries are not about pushing people away. They are about creating a safe, respectful space for your relationship to grow. In the context of extended family, boundaries help:

• Protect the couple’s emotional and physical space.
• Maintain clarity on decision-making roles.
• Reduce unnecessary conflict.
• Support mutual respect between family members.

Without boundaries, partners may feel overwhelmed, misunderstood, or even resentful—not only toward each other but also toward family members.

THE CULTURAL DILEMMA

In collectivist cultures, family bonds are central. Elders may be deeply involved in decisions about marriage, parenting, and even finances. While this involvement comes from a place of love and tradition, it can clash with modern expectations of independence and privacy.

For example:
• Parents expecting daily updates or decision-making input.
• Relatives offering unsolicited advice on child-rearing or household management.
• Extended family having a say in where the couple lives or how they spend money.

In some cultures, saying “no” to family can feel like betrayal. Yet, without gentle limits, couples risk losing their own voice.

STRATEGIES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES WHILE HONOURING CULTURE

1. DEFINE YOUR SHARED VALUES AS A COUPLE

Before addressing family, couples need to be clear on what matters most to them. Discuss:

• How much time you want to spend with extended family.
• What decisions are private vs. shared with others.
• How you wish to raise children, manage money, and run your home.

2. USE RESPECTFUL, INCLUSIVE LANGUAGE

Instead of “You can’t interfere”, try “We appreciate your guidance, and we’d like to make this decision together first.” This shows respect while still asserting autonomy.

3. AGREE ON A UNITED FRONT

Mixed messages can fuel conflict. If one partner says “yes” and the other says “no,” it creates confusion and tension. Present decisions together and support each other’s stance in front of family.

4. CREATE HEALTHY ACCESS POINTS

Setting boundaries doesn’t mean closing the door. It might mean:
• Having planned visits instead of unannounced drop-ins.
• Designating certain days for family gatherings.
• Sharing updates regularly but choosing which details remain private.

5. HONOUR TRADITIONS IN NEW WAYS

If certain cultural expectations feel restrictive, find creative ways to adapt them. For example:
• Involve family in big celebrations but keep daily decisions between partners.
• Maintain traditional greetings, rituals, or family meals, but within agreed boundaries.

WHEN BOUNDARIES ARE CHALLENGED

Sometimes, despite best intentions, boundaries will be tested. This is where patience and consistency are key. Responding with anger may escalate tension, but giving in completely can create resentment. Instead:

• Reaffirm your appreciation for family support.
• Repeat your boundaries calmly and consistently.
• Privately debrief with your partner to ensure you remain united.

Balancing love, culture, and boundaries is not about choosing one over the other—it’s about weaving them together in a way that nurtures your relationship and respects your heritage. Healthy boundaries don’t diminish love; they help it flourish in a way that is sustainable, respectful, and true to your shared values.

Remember: Boundaries are an act of love—both for your partner and for your family.

16/08/2025

OLD WOUNDS, NEW LOVE: How Childhood Trauma Gets Activated in Adult Bonds

Falling in love as an adult can feel exhilarating the butterflies, the deep connection, the sense of being truly seen. But for many people who have lived through childhood trauma, love can also stir up something far less romantic: old fears, pain, and patterns that were born years before their current relationship.

This isn’t because you’re “broken” or “bad at relationships.” It’s because close bonds have a way of waking up the parts of us that were shaped by our earliest experiences.

WHY OLD WOUNDS SHOW UP IN NEW LOVE

As children, our first relationships usually with caregivers teach us what love feels like, how safe it is, and whether we can trust it. If those early relationships were marked by neglect, abuse, unpredictability, or emotional absence, the nervous system adapted for survival, not for ease in intimacy.

When you fall in love as an adult, the closeness and vulnerability of a romantic bond can act like an emotional time machine, pulling you back to those early states of need and fear. Suddenly, the present-day relationship feels like the past all over again.

COMMON WAYS CHILDHOOD TRAUMA GETS ACTIVATED

1. FEAR OF ABANDONMENT

• You may become hyper-alert to signs your partner might leave.
• Small changes in tone or availability can feel like the end of the relationship.

2. FEAR OF REJECTION OR CRITICISM

• Even gentle feedback can feel like a deep personal attack.
• You might withdraw, get defensive, or over-please to keep the peace.

3. DIFFICULTY TRUSTING

• Trust may feel unsafe because it once led to hurt.
• You might test your partner’s loyalty or hold back parts of yourself.

4. EMOTIONAL FLASHBACKS

• Without realizing it, you react to your partner as if they were the person who hurt you in childhood.
• Your body feels the same panic, shame, or anger from long ago.

WHY THIS HAPPENS IN LOVE (The Science Bit)

Romantic relationships activate the attachment system the same biological mechanism that bonds infants to caregivers. The brain doesn’t fully separate “then” from “now.” Instead, when a situation feels similar, it reactivates the same emotional and physiological responses you had as a child.

This is why a partner’s temporary silence can feel as threatening as a parent’s neglect once did even though the two situations are completely different.

STEPS TOWARDS HEALING IN LOVE
1. RECOGNISE THE TRIGGER
• Notice when your emotional reaction feels “too big” for the moment — that’s often a sign an old wound is active.

2. NAME THE FEELING AND THE ORIGIN
• Ask yourself: Am I reacting to my partner, or to a memory my body holds?

3. COMMUNICATE OPENLY
• Share with your partner what you’re feeling and why, without blaming.

4. SELF SOOTHING PRACTICES
• Ground yourself through deep breathing, journaling, or a short walk before reacting.

5. THERAPY FOR DEEPER WORK

• Trauma-informed therapy can help separate the past from the present and build new relational patterns.

A GENTLE REMINDER

Your triggers are not evidence that you are “too much” or “unlovable.” They are invitations to heal. In fact, a healthy romantic relationship can become a safe container for that healing —a place where old wounds can finally receive the care they needed years ago.

Love doesn’t erase the past, but with awareness and support, it can help rewrite the story.

15/08/2025

CHILDHOOD TRAUMA: UNDERSTANDING ADULT SURVIVAL PATTERNS

When we go through repeated abuse or neglect in childhood, our nervous system learns to survive in ways that can feel automatic and overwhelming. These coping strategies which were once life-saving often follow us into adulthood, shaping how we respond to stress, relationships, and conflict.

SURVIVAL PATTERNS

Psychologists describe four common survival patterns, known as the “Four F’s”: Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn. Each is a nervous system strategy to keep us safe when our brain perceives threat.

1. FIGHT – Pushing Back Against Danger

• What it looks like: Anger, aggression, defensiveness, controlling behaviour, or strong verbal pushback.

• Purpose: To protect yourself by confronting or overpowering the perceived threat.

• From childhood to adulthood: If you had to stand up to protect yourself as a child, you may now feel quick to anger or defensive even in safe situations.

• Healing focus: Learning emotional regulation skills and safe expression of needs without aggression.

2. FLIGHT – Escaping the Threat

• What it looks like: Restlessness, overworking, perfectionism, avoiding conflict, or physically leaving situations.

• Purpose: To survive by moving away from danger before it can hurt you.

• From childhood to adulthood: Growing up in chaos may have taught you to stay “busy” or always be on the move to avoid trouble.

• Healing focus: Practising grounding exercises and tolerating stillness without fear.

3. FREEZE – Shutting Down to Survive

• What it looks like: Numbing, zoning out, feeling disconnected from your body, procrastination, or inability to act.

• Purpose: To protect yourself by becoming still and invisible, reducing the chance of harm.

• From childhood to adulthood: If hiding or staying quiet kept you safe as a child, you may now struggle with decision-making or feeling emotionally present.

• Healing focus: Slowly re-engaging with your body and emotions through gentle, sensory-based practices.

4. FAWN – Appeasing to Stay Safe

• What it looks like: People-pleasing, difficulty saying “no,” neglecting your own needs to keep others happy.

• Purpose: To prevent harm by making yourself agreeable and non-threatening.

• From childhood to adulthood: If you learned to avoid conflict by pleasing your abuser, you may now overextend yourself or fear setting boundaries.

• Healing focus: Building boundaries, self-worth, and learning to tolerate conflict without fear.

WHY THIS MATTERS

Childhood abuse shapes the nervous system in ways that go beyond single-event trauma. Understanding your primary trauma response can:

• Help you notice patterns without self-blame

• Guide you toward personalised healing strategies

• Support safer and healthier relationships

Bottom line: These responses are not flaws they are survival skills that once kept you safe. In therapy, you can learn to thank them for their service and build new, healthier ways of responding.

14/08/2025

REBUILDING TRUST AFTER INFIDELITY: A Psychologist’s Guide

Infidelity is one of the most painful breaches of trust in a relationship. The shock, grief, anger, and confusion it leaves behind can feel overwhelming. Yet, for some couples, healing and rebuilding trust is possible. This process takes time, effort, and a willingness from both partners to work through the pain with honesty and care.

KEY PRINCIPLES FOR REBUILDING TRUST

1. Full Acknowledgement and Responsibility

The partner who betrayed the trust must take full responsibility for their actions without minimising, shifting blame, or making excuses. This is the foundation for any repair work.

Example: Saying, “I understand that my actions hurt you deeply, and I take full responsibility for the pain I caused” instead of “I’m sorry you feel hurt.”

2. Open, Honest, and Transparent Communication

Trust cannot be rebuilt without honesty. This means answering questions truthfully, being open about whereabouts and intentions, and avoiding secrecy.
• The betraying partner should be willing to provide transparency (e.g., phone access, clarity about time away) during the rebuilding phase.

• The betrayed partner should communicate needs, triggers, and boundaries clearly, without using communication solely as interrogation or punishment.

3. Understanding and Managing Triggers

After infidelity, certain places, times, or situations may trigger intense emotional reactions. These are natural, and both partners need strategies to handle them.

• For the betrayed partner: Practice grounding techniques, journaling, or seeking support from a psychologist when triggered.

• For the betraying partner: Respond with empathy, not defensiveness. Validate your partner’s feelings and reassure them of your commitment.

4. Consistent Behaviour Over Time

Trust isn’t rebuilt with one apology it is rebuilt with consistent actions that demonstrate reliability, honesty, and care over time.

• Keep promises, even the small ones
• Follow through on commitments without reminders
• Show emotional availability and support regularly

5. Seeking Professional Support

Couples therapy can be invaluable in navigating the complex emotions and communication difficulties that follow infidelity. A Psychologist provides a neutral, structured space to address underlying issues, teach conflict resolution skills, and guide the rebuilding process.

PRACTICAL STEPS FOR HEALING TOGETHER

1. Agree on Boundaries – Define what is acceptable and unacceptable going forward.

2. Schedule Regular Check-Ins – Have weekly or biweekly conversations to discuss progress, concerns, and emotional needs.

3. Rebuild Emotional Intimacy Spend quality time together without discussing the infidelity, focusing on shared activities and positive interactions.

4. Address Underlying Issues – Explore unmet needs, communication gaps, or unresolved conflicts that may have existed before the betrayal.

Rebuilding trust after infidelity is not about returning to the old relationship — it’s about creating a new one, built on deeper honesty, empathy, and shared commitment. Healing takes time, and setbacks can happen, but with consistent effort and mutual willingness, trust can be restored.

If you are navigating this difficult journey, remember: you do not have to do it alone. Professional guidance can provide the tools, perspective, and safe space needed for meaningful repair.

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Durban

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Monday 09:00 - 18:00
Tuesday 09:00 - 18:00
Wednesday 09:00 - 18:00
Thursday 09:00 - 18:00
Friday 09:00 - 18:00
Saturday 09:00 - 18:00
Sunday 09:00 - 18:00

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