15/07/2025
For the foster families on here:
As a trauma therapist, I worked with a little boy who would become angry and withdrawn after every visit with his mom. His foster parent thought something must have gone wrong during the visit.
But nothing went wrong. What was wrong was the ambiguous loss that nobody was helping him work through.
He got to see his mom.
But he couldn’t go home with her.
This is called an ambiguous loss: when someone you love is still alive but emotionally or physically out of reach. Every visit with a parent or sibling reactivates that loss for children in care.
The child feels:
“I saw someone I love, but I can’t stay with them.”
“They’re here, but not mine anymore.”
“Maybe next time I’ll get to go home…”
Children don't know how to express this type of grief without the help of adults, so it comes out in challenging behavior.
That’s why after visits, you might see:
- Meltdowns
- Behavior regressions
- Sadness masked as defiance
- Clinginess or avoidance
Ambiguous loss is not a reason to avoid visits, but it is a reason why the child needs help coping with them.
Understanding the root cause of the problem is the first step, and helping children express it is the next step.
The ambiguous loss of "supported family time" (aka supervised visits) is why I published my book, Sullivan Goes to See Mama: A Story to Help Families Navigate Supervised Visits (available now on Amazon).
Stay tuned for more guidance on how to help families name and express ambiguous loss.
Over the next three weeks, I'll be posting more education about this topic on LinkedIn and in my Childhood Trauma Newsletter, which you can subscribe to for free at BethTyson dot com.
Thank you for the work you do to protect and care for children. I'm so glad you're a part of my community.
