Linda Smallbones Play Therapy and Counselling

14/03/2026

In my welcome to 2026 post, I wrote about my experience of reading John Mark Comer's "The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry." I got a huge amount out of it and started reading it all over again. I wanted to offer some thoughts on what anti-hurry could be.

We Have Hurry Sickness.
Something I have really noticed in recent weeks is when driving on the freeway is the number of drivers who are typing on their phone whilst driving. Honestly, this enrages me. We truly have hurry sickness - a sense of relentless urgency. Something feels that urgent to people that they have to type messages on their phone whilst driving on the highway. Something is deeply wrong with this picture.

The term "hurry sickness" was coined by two cardiologogists Meyer Friedman and Ray Rosenman in the 1970s. They wrote a book called "Type A Behaviour and Your Heart." in 1974.

Hurry sickness was a term used to refer to people with Type A personalities who are driven by ambition to do more and achieve more and as fast as possible. By this definition most people in the world today are Type A personalities! This is not actually the case, but hurry sickness has certainly been caught by most of us as rushing and hussle has become our culture.

"Hurry sickness isn’t a diagnosable condition, but it encapsulates a set of behaviors and emotions — impatience, chronic rushing, and a constant sense of time scarcity — that can wreak havoc on a person’s physical and mental well-being."
Kandi Weins in Harvard Business Review. 13 January 2025.

Hurry sickness has become a culture most of us have imbibed.

I'm not trying to point fingers at anyone*, I suffer from hurry-sickness too unless I am very intentional in busy periods of life. I have a tendency to be fast-paced. And, somehow, when I examine my thoughts, I have told myself that if I work fast, I can achieve more. Or that working fast shows efficiency and effectiveness. (Lord knows in our country we wish more services would take on such an urgency!!) But it is not the whole answer. Fast-paced does not always equal "good work."

*Except if you're typing whilst driving, then I am pointing a finger to ask you to stop endangering lives.

The Up side of slowing Down
Writing this blog over the past 4 or 5 years has taught me that when I take time to mull over a topic, do some research, and write several drafts of a blog, the end result almost always seems to land better than a rushed job.

When something takes time, there are always things that will arise to distract and take one off course. Quality cannot be rushed.

When we have a lot to do and we rush everywhere at a harried pace, we can work our system into being 'stressed about being stressed' and go into complete panic and overwhelm. Rushing gives our system the feedback that "this is an emergency!!"

Simple things like walking slower. Pausing to stretch or take a breath. Not trying to do more than one thing at a time. Slowing down is anti-hurry.

Slowing down my pace helps me to engage my thinking brain more effectively, it gives me a chance to enter a more regulated state and work from a place of openness and creativity rather than pressure and stress.

I also learned from the time I was walking a child from his classroom to my playroom at the school I was based at at the time. I wrote about it in my post "Listening Pace" a couple of years ago. I felt an urgency to get kids to the playroom as quickly as possible so I don't lose time or waste parent's money!! Until I had the revelation that the walk was as much part of the whole session as actually being in the playroom, and that what kids sometimes chose to talk about was really important to pay attention to. The walk became an enjoyable part of the work and the relationship for me after this.

"Hurry and love are incompatible."
John Mark Comer.

Wow, read that again. And again. And again. Until it sinks in.

John Mark Comer also says "...love is painfully time-consuming. All parents know this, as do all lovers and most long-term friends."
We can't build solid, lasting relationships with anyone if we are constantly in a rush. This goes as much for our relationship with ourselves as it does with others.
For parents, if we are constantly in a rush we can't help but transfer some of that pressure onto our children.

Slow down where you can.
I'm not you, I don't know your unique life and circumstances. Slowing down when you have toddlers or pre-schoolers looks different to having a 10 or 16 year old. You may have a crazy-demanding job with relentless deadlines that require some rushing.

Whatever life circumstances you have, I recommend you take an inventory on how you spend the leisure time you do have. How much time do you really spend watching TV, or on social media? How much time do you allow yourself to have face-to-face interactions with loved ones? How much time are we simply using to distract ourselves, and how much are we spending on truly slowing down?

Watching TV and being on social media are not anti-hurry activities. They're entertainment for a while, nothing wrong with that in itself. But if we go between rush and hurry and mindless entertainment, we're generally numbing rather than actually slowing down to engage and refuel emotionally and mentally.

Good sleep, eating nutritious food in a leisurely way whenever you can, journalling, having a great conversation and exercise are all anti-hurry activities. And, funnily enough, these are also the types of activities recommended to combat anxiety and depression.

Maybe there's one tiny anti-hurry thing you can do to practice; walk a little slower, take a pause, write something in long hand rather than typing it up. Notice how making minor adjustments to slow down can make you feel.

11/03/2026

Hello! Thanks for being here! If you would like to receive my Connect newsletter/blog regularly into your inbox you can click on this link https://lindasmallbones.com/ #/portal/signup.

I aim to publish every Friday, more or less☺
I write about parenting, mental health and well-being, and generally anything that interests me that will contribute to connection with yourself and within families.

09/03/2026

If you are the parent of a teen, like me, here is one thing we almost cannot do enough. Listen.

I have enjoyed the work of Lisa Damour, a clinical psychologist specialising in work with adolescents. She talks a lot about the adolescents she works with expressing over and over again how they wish their parents would listen more and lecture less.

This came into sharp focus for me when interacting with a teen. He expressed being so tired of trying to share something with his parent and then being shut down in some way either by a lecture or a story from the parent's own life, or by the parent finding fault with him as a person in what he was sharing.

For this teen, there was nothing more distressing than simply not being listened to. He is dealing with normal teenage things. He is navigating growth and identity and life as a 15 year old. He is trying to find his own voice and feels it is being shut down by not being listened to.

I found a TED talk by a 13 year old girl, Lucy Androski, who talks very eloquently about different types of parents. She defines The Listener something like this:

The listener helps provide direction, and gives options. The listener listens, and asks questions - not to interrogate but to help the teen to explore and think for themselves.
n every day life there is a lot to do, and a lot of functional stuff that we need to remind teens of, or ensure they've done. Do you have homework? Have you studied for your test? Have you fed the dogs? I have to work at reminding myself not to only relate to my teens on this functional level.

My goal is to prioritise relationship over function every time I interact with my teens. Can I have a hug? How are you? I missed you today. It's a goal, and I'm practising, so I don't always get it right.

In the end, life is not a series of functions to fulfill. Life is relationships. How we live out our relationships makes up our life. I don't want my kids to have a memory of me getting things done at the cost of connection.

Lisa Damour talks about spending time with your teen just hanging out with no agenda. Just the pleasure of being together.

If we start with the simple things, so much can go right.

Be the Listener, not the advisor (unless directly asked).
Start with relationship, not function.
Spend time just being together, no agenda.

27/02/2026

Mental health and accessing emotional support are more talked about, blogged about and written about in every media available to us these days. And yet, stigma around actually attending therapy or play therapy seems to linger.

A concern many parents have when we sit in consultation is that they don't want their child to think something is wrong with me because they're coming to play therapy.

Play therapy is not only available when something is "wrong". Many children with no significant traumas or adverse events come to play therapy and benefit from it. Play therapy is a way of helping children connect with their true self, the ultimate goal no matter what the referral issue is.

You don't go to school because something is wrong with you, you go to school because your parents want you out of the house a few hours a day... Just kidding! (also not kidding all the time!😉)

Children go to school because there is a void in learning and knowledge that needs to be filled that will contribute to your overall development. Slowly, over 12 years in school, some of those voids are filled. Most importantly, in the foundation phases it is learning to read and write. The basis for all other learning.

Void: meaning gap or empty space, not inhabited.
Referrals to play therapy occur because there is a void in social or emotional functioning that tends to cause issues in other parts of life. Or, there is something happening in the child's environment/family that causes a void in social or emotional functioning.

Void doesn’t mean deficiency. Void means opportunity for development. Void means; I feel like I've lost a part of myself and I need help finding it in the middle of everything else that's happening in my world.

Children recognise the void in themselves. Many, once they have been to play therapy, recognise how the process supports them. They experience some growth and they exit. As they grow and develop, they may hit another void. They now know that play therapy helped them to feel supported, heard, and helped them find themselves. They ask their parents if they can return.

I sat with a little girl in her first ever play therapy session recently. We talked a bit about the worries that brought her to see me. I told her that there is nothing wrong with her and that there is nothing wrong with the worries she feels. In fact, her worries serve an important purpose in keeping her safe. AND, sometimes her brain goes into complete worry-mode all the time even when it really, really doesn't need to. This becomes an issue when it affects sleep, or her brain's ability to learn, or being able to feel like herself.

Does she have a void? Yes. In the case of anxiety it is often that the person is unable to feel safe within themselves. There is a void where the anchor of safety used to be. Is there anything wrong with her? No.

Everyone experiences voids in different ways throughout life. It is called being human.

Everyone needs support to navigate various voids. Somehow we've made it a stigma to seek help when emotional voids show up.

If you're contemplating play therapy for your child and it feels uncomfortable to you, think about whether you're comfortable with asking for or receiving support for emotional voids in your life. And maybe you've never done that so it can feel really foreign and vulnerable. And maybe you have and you were made to feel like there was something wrong with you.

Let's normalise getting support for our voids. There is nothing wrong with you, you are simply human.

FIRST PUBLISHED ON LINDASMALLBONES.COM

25/02/2026

Some really helpful thoughts about childhood anxiety from DDr.Siggie - PhD - Parenting Expert

If it feels like childhood anxiety is everywhere lately, you’re not imagining it.

13/02/2026

Please watch this video and pass it on to your children who are on social media! This is current, worldwide AND IN SOUTH AFRICA and urgent. Just because something is fake, does not mean you can't get criminally charged. Fake nudes (and worse) and fake child s*xual abuse is horrific and ruining lives.

13/02/2026

Happy Valentines Weekend everybody!
In today's blog I share a game we've been enjoying recently as a family and also lots of ideas of family friendly games for all ages for this weekend of love! 🥰

12/02/2026

When we have a ‘should’ about our children, we are essentially expressing a fantasy and wanting them to live up to that.

Last week, I talked about ways we ‘should’ ourselves and when we do so, we tend to expect ourselves to be someone we’re not. We can only make decisions and take actions based on what we have and what we know in the moment.

This week, I want to talk about when we pass ‘shoulds’ on to our children.

The Fantasy
When we have a ‘should’ about our children, we are essentially expressing a fantasy and wanting them to live up to that. No reality can compare to an idealistic fantasy, we are setting them up to disappoint us.

We need to consider what we expect our children to be able to do at their age and life stage. We can ‘should’ our children when we expect more from them than they are able to do. “You should share.” “You should be more considerate of others”. “You should talk to me”. “You should work harder.”

We need to check our expectations against what the reality is. When my kids were little, I found myself with high expectations at times. It was informal conversations with friends which helped me to put things in perspective and be more realistic, time and time again I might add! Being able to ask friends “When did your child start doing (or stop doing) XYZ?”, and getting different answers helps us to remember that development happens on a continuum and at different paces.

Now, my teens can be incredibly self-absorbed and entitled. I have to remind myself we’re right on track, they’re doing what they’re designed to do at their age! To expect them to always be empathic, outward looking and self-less is completely unrealistic.

AND just in case you’re wondering if we have to put up with all behaviours because it’s being labelled developmentally appropriate, I want to say this:

Coach and Encourage
We can expect things of our children without “should-ing” them. We need to check that our expectations are age appropriate, and use different language designed to encourage and coach them, rather than judge and shame them.

“You should share” could rather be “I noticed last time you had a play date it was difficult for you to share. Do you want me to help you think about which toys you’re happy to share and which you’d rather like to hide away for today? Remember that when friends come, they feel welcomed when you share your toys. But if there are some you’re not ready to share that’s OK, let’s rather put it away.”

You’re reminding your child about the social rules around play dates; it is all about sharing time, toys and games. Assume that the younger your child, the less inclined they are to share or even able to share. Being unable to share is developmentally appropriate! Rather than discipling them for not sharing, support them in learning how to.

Being Real
Shoulds and wishes are real for parents, sometimes we genuinely just want things to be different than they are. Sometimes parenting certain behaviour is so energy-sapping, it's natural to wish something about your child was different, just easier to parent, you know, less push back, more cooperation. Let’s acknowledge that reality and keep practising self-compassion.

What if you're in exactly the place you need to be as a parent to learn, to grow, and to celebrate wins. Right now, as you are. Today.

FIRST PUBLISHED ON LINDASMALLBONES.COM

10/02/2026

When you say a should to yourself, you are essentially telling yourself that who you are or were being in that moment is not valid.

“Stop should-ing yourself.” Might be a phrase you’ve heard somewhere in recent years? 'Shoulds' could sound like “I should know this by now.” Or “I should lose weight.” Or “I should stop doing that.”

When you say a should to yourself, you are essentially telling yourself that who you are or were being in that moment is not valid. Let me explain...

A poster hung in our kitchen when I was a teenager and it said “Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.” Theodore Roosevelt. We can only be who we are and make choices based on what we have and what we know in any given moment.

“I should” is a pretty authoritarian voice. It carries a lot of judgement. I think it drives a huge amount of the guilt we can feel as parents to not measuring up - to who or what I don't know!?

'Shoulds' set us up to be incongruent with ourselves. Incongruent is defined by the Cambridge Dictionary as not suitable or not fitting well with something else. When we 'should' ourselves, we are essentially making ourselves not fit well with ourselves; our knowledge, skills, resources and energy available to us in the moment.And this is the key that can lead to more healthy reflections about our actions/mistakes/choices - in the moment did I do the best I could with what I had?

Self-reflection without Self-judgement
We can reflect on our actions in healthy ways, without the judging shoulds. It could sound a bit more like this: At the time this is the choice I made, but I wonder if I knew then what I know now, what would I do differently?

Next time you tell yourself “I should have…” , take a pause. Are you beating yourself up for making a choice in a moment? Shoulds drive the guilt we can sometimes live under as parents, we second-guess everything we’ve done as we get bombarded by things we 'should' have bought, read, done with/for our children. Separate out the noise (marketing, influencers and others who do not have your best interests at heart), from your own true learning, reflection and growth. It's not a bad thing to learn from mistakes and misshaps, but the judgy voice is likely no help.

Are there good shoulds?
I have been wondering to myself if there is an appropriate time to use a 'should' on myself. I think, and this is simply my opinion, that a should could be used when giving yourself permission to choose something. Such as "Hey, it's date night! Should we go out to dinner or a movie or both?" (No, it's Janu-worry, we should farm the kids out and eat at home!!😁 )

What do you think? Is there an appropriate context to use a 'should' on yourself?

FIRST PUBLISHED ON LINDASMALLBONES.COM

09/02/2026

ON Yes, I think the honeymoon is over. We might be feeling it, that's OK. I highly recommend not getting lost in digital space when you have downtime, and doing one of these things, instead.

We’ve just finished the third full week of the first term of school. How’re you doing?

It’s a funny thing. Week three feels a bit like “the honeymoon is over” week. The first week jitters have gone, the first couple of full weeks of school have gone by and your body is starting to go “ooooh, this is what it feels like.” And “I don’t know if I like this all or not!”

The length of school days, the after-school activities and the full-on routine of the term have begun. For our little grade 1s, this can be a tough time. Once so excited about their uniforms, now they grate on them, confined by shoes and desks and short play times. The reality of homework sets in. This is just not as fun as grade R with 80% of the day being play!

I am not saying it’s all bad, at all. But even good changes are still changes that bring new things we have to adapt to. For younger children, for the highly sensitive, for the neurodiverse and those who are just having a hard time in general right now, right now might feel very difficult. (EVEN if it is good! Change is change and creates uncertainty!)

You may see behaviour from your children that you don’t get right now. Seemingly sudden mood swings, increased anxiety, aggression, increased bickering between siblings etc… What if, you’re just seeing some adjustment in the gear change. Sorting through and trying to find themselves again in the flurry of all the new. New for some can make them feel a bit untethered and floaty, now that's scary!

By the way, if you also feel some of these things as an adult, that is OK! New is new at any age and stage and can create uncertainty. We can be sitting with lots of unknowns right now, and/or overwhelm.

What are we to do with all of this? It can be really tempting to simply sit and go the path of least resistance when we’re home and very often these days that is being on devices; social media, TV, YouTube etc… (I know, because this has been me!)

We tell ourselves it’s a way of switching off our brains or that it’s giving our children some downtime. Maybe, for a little while. But as an everyday coping mechanism used to avoid reality, it’s not great for us or our children.

Here are some ideas to do instead.

Move your body
Movement is regulating, it helps modulate the intensity of our emotions and gives an outlet for what we’ve been holding in our body through each day. For children who struggle sitting still at a desk all day, movement is critical!

I’m talking about movement for enjoyment, not as a performance or goal. Ask your child how they would like to move their body and give some suggestions of what you can do with them; walk around the block or in nature close to your home, timing round the house running in the garden (if that’s your children’s vibe, without focusing too much on the competitive aspect), seeing how many jumping jacks you can do whilst whistling happy birthday, having a dance party! For older children, hitting golf balls at the driving range or going for a bike ride. What is fun for you, what is fun for your kids without too much admin, free (or cheap) and easily accessible.

Get creative
True story, I got overly involved in world news recently. It made me feel so angry and sad and down. And if I read the comments on any news articles it was even worse! I decided to ban myself from social media and even from reading any news for a week. When I made that decision I went and sat on the veranda with my drawing things and drew. I’m not an artist, at all. I drew without self-judgement and as long as the colours pleased me, I used them and I thoroughly enjoyed it. It felt like a detox!

I recommend using actual paper and pen/paintbrush/pencil crayon in order to get yourself away from digital devices and reconnect with yourself on a sensory level. If you really don’t know where to start, try a bilateral doodle. It has amazing benefits for the brain by helping get out of your cognitive processing and into a more creative space, also it is a doodle so no performance needed! I remember when the children were small giving them chalk to draw on the driveway. Also, paintbrushes and water to “paint” anywhere they wanted outside!

Be in nature
We can get stuck in thinking that our schedule is the most important thing. When we step into nature, we remember that there is life larger than our schedule, that there is so much more out there to enjoy and experience. Beauty in nature, no matter how small it is, does something good to our souls. If you’re privileged to have a garden, this is nature! It doesn’t have to be out there somewhere- although exploring further afield is fabulous when you can.

I’m sure your kids, when encouraged, can think of a million things to do in your garden. Unfortunately the pull of screens is that there is instant gratification in terms of pleasure and mindless entertainment. This has, in many ways, replaced outdoor exploration. I’m advocating for shutting down screens for the majority of the time and sending them back out into the garden, and/or further explorations in the great outdoors!

If your children need some encouragement and ideas, let them set up a mud kitchen, gather some materials to make a garden fort (our garden fort did end up looking like a squatter camp, but you know, all in the name of the great outdoors!), or go on garden walks with your children with the fun challenge of finding something you’ve never noticed before, or finding a specific colour plant, or something of a certain texture. Hey! This is movement, creativity and nature all in one!

Yes, I think the honeymoon is over. We might be feeling it, that's OK. I highly recommend not getting lost in digital space when you have downtime, and doing one of these other things, instead. I think your soul will thank you for it. Let me know how it goes!

THIS ARTICLE FIRST PUBLISHED ON LINDASMALLBONES.COM

19/01/2026

Good Morning! The third week of January 2026 is underway, I hope it is going well for you. Back at the Blog and I can't wait to share more and hear more from you this year.

(I'm having trouble posting the direct blog link. You can go to lindasmallbones.com and find the most recent blog post on the home page.)

21/11/2025

In today's blog, I post a recorded video conversation with Christy Herselman of The Chat! I had such a great time talking with Christy about how and why and when to talk to your child about s*x. It really is worth a listen!

Thank you so much Christy, The Chat.

PS: My apologies, the link is doing its weird thing again. Please click on link in the comments for the blog. (If anyone knows how to fix this issue, please let me know!)

I sat down with Christy Herselman recently, the author of "The Chat: Birds, Bees and Destinies." We hear her story of how this book came to be and how it has started a movement. Christy has authored two other books since and has many resources on her website which I