Linda Smallbones Play Therapy and Counselling

13/02/2026

Please watch this video and pass it on to your children who are on social media! This is current, worldwide AND IN SOUTH AFRICA and urgent. Just because something is fake, does not mean you can't get criminally charged. Fake nudes (and worse) and fake child s*xual abuse is horrific and ruining lives.

13/02/2026

Happy Valentines Weekend everybody!
In today's blog I share a game we've been enjoying recently as a family and also lots of ideas of family friendly games for all ages for this weekend of love! 🥰

12/02/2026

When we have a ‘should’ about our children, we are essentially expressing a fantasy and wanting them to live up to that.

Last week, I talked about ways we ‘should’ ourselves and when we do so, we tend to expect ourselves to be someone we’re not. We can only make decisions and take actions based on what we have and what we know in the moment.

This week, I want to talk about when we pass ‘shoulds’ on to our children.

The Fantasy
When we have a ‘should’ about our children, we are essentially expressing a fantasy and wanting them to live up to that. No reality can compare to an idealistic fantasy, we are setting them up to disappoint us.

We need to consider what we expect our children to be able to do at their age and life stage. We can ‘should’ our children when we expect more from them than they are able to do. “You should share.” “You should be more considerate of others”. “You should talk to me”. “You should work harder.”

We need to check our expectations against what the reality is. When my kids were little, I found myself with high expectations at times. It was informal conversations with friends which helped me to put things in perspective and be more realistic, time and time again I might add! Being able to ask friends “When did your child start doing (or stop doing) XYZ?”, and getting different answers helps us to remember that development happens on a continuum and at different paces.

Now, my teens can be incredibly self-absorbed and entitled. I have to remind myself we’re right on track, they’re doing what they’re designed to do at their age! To expect them to always be empathic, outward looking and self-less is completely unrealistic.

AND just in case you’re wondering if we have to put up with all behaviours because it’s being labelled developmentally appropriate, I want to say this:

Coach and Encourage
We can expect things of our children without “should-ing” them. We need to check that our expectations are age appropriate, and use different language designed to encourage and coach them, rather than judge and shame them.

“You should share” could rather be “I noticed last time you had a play date it was difficult for you to share. Do you want me to help you think about which toys you’re happy to share and which you’d rather like to hide away for today? Remember that when friends come, they feel welcomed when you share your toys. But if there are some you’re not ready to share that’s OK, let’s rather put it away.”

You’re reminding your child about the social rules around play dates; it is all about sharing time, toys and games. Assume that the younger your child, the less inclined they are to share or even able to share. Being unable to share is developmentally appropriate! Rather than discipling them for not sharing, support them in learning how to.

Being Real
Shoulds and wishes are real for parents, sometimes we genuinely just want things to be different than they are. Sometimes parenting certain behaviour is so energy-sapping, it's natural to wish something about your child was different, just easier to parent, you know, less push back, more cooperation. Let’s acknowledge that reality and keep practising self-compassion.

What if you're in exactly the place you need to be as a parent to learn, to grow, and to celebrate wins. Right now, as you are. Today.

FIRST PUBLISHED ON LINDASMALLBONES.COM

10/02/2026

When you say a should to yourself, you are essentially telling yourself that who you are or were being in that moment is not valid.

“Stop should-ing yourself.” Might be a phrase you’ve heard somewhere in recent years? 'Shoulds' could sound like “I should know this by now.” Or “I should lose weight.” Or “I should stop doing that.”

When you say a should to yourself, you are essentially telling yourself that who you are or were being in that moment is not valid. Let me explain...

A poster hung in our kitchen when I was a teenager and it said “Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.” Theodore Roosevelt. We can only be who we are and make choices based on what we have and what we know in any given moment.

“I should” is a pretty authoritarian voice. It carries a lot of judgement. I think it drives a huge amount of the guilt we can feel as parents to not measuring up - to who or what I don't know!?

'Shoulds' set us up to be incongruent with ourselves. Incongruent is defined by the Cambridge Dictionary as not suitable or not fitting well with something else. When we 'should' ourselves, we are essentially making ourselves not fit well with ourselves; our knowledge, skills, resources and energy available to us in the moment.And this is the key that can lead to more healthy reflections about our actions/mistakes/choices - in the moment did I do the best I could with what I had?

Self-reflection without Self-judgement
We can reflect on our actions in healthy ways, without the judging shoulds. It could sound a bit more like this: At the time this is the choice I made, but I wonder if I knew then what I know now, what would I do differently?

Next time you tell yourself “I should have…” , take a pause. Are you beating yourself up for making a choice in a moment? Shoulds drive the guilt we can sometimes live under as parents, we second-guess everything we’ve done as we get bombarded by things we 'should' have bought, read, done with/for our children. Separate out the noise (marketing, influencers and others who do not have your best interests at heart), from your own true learning, reflection and growth. It's not a bad thing to learn from mistakes and misshaps, but the judgy voice is likely no help.

Are there good shoulds?
I have been wondering to myself if there is an appropriate time to use a 'should' on myself. I think, and this is simply my opinion, that a should could be used when giving yourself permission to choose something. Such as "Hey, it's date night! Should we go out to dinner or a movie or both?" (No, it's Janu-worry, we should farm the kids out and eat at home!!😁 )

What do you think? Is there an appropriate context to use a 'should' on yourself?

FIRST PUBLISHED ON LINDASMALLBONES.COM

09/02/2026

ON Yes, I think the honeymoon is over. We might be feeling it, that's OK. I highly recommend not getting lost in digital space when you have downtime, and doing one of these things, instead.

We’ve just finished the third full week of the first term of school. How’re you doing?

It’s a funny thing. Week three feels a bit like “the honeymoon is over” week. The first week jitters have gone, the first couple of full weeks of school have gone by and your body is starting to go “ooooh, this is what it feels like.” And “I don’t know if I like this all or not!”

The length of school days, the after-school activities and the full-on routine of the term have begun. For our little grade 1s, this can be a tough time. Once so excited about their uniforms, now they grate on them, confined by shoes and desks and short play times. The reality of homework sets in. This is just not as fun as grade R with 80% of the day being play!

I am not saying it’s all bad, at all. But even good changes are still changes that bring new things we have to adapt to. For younger children, for the highly sensitive, for the neurodiverse and those who are just having a hard time in general right now, right now might feel very difficult. (EVEN if it is good! Change is change and creates uncertainty!)

You may see behaviour from your children that you don’t get right now. Seemingly sudden mood swings, increased anxiety, aggression, increased bickering between siblings etc… What if, you’re just seeing some adjustment in the gear change. Sorting through and trying to find themselves again in the flurry of all the new. New for some can make them feel a bit untethered and floaty, now that's scary!

By the way, if you also feel some of these things as an adult, that is OK! New is new at any age and stage and can create uncertainty. We can be sitting with lots of unknowns right now, and/or overwhelm.

What are we to do with all of this? It can be really tempting to simply sit and go the path of least resistance when we’re home and very often these days that is being on devices; social media, TV, YouTube etc… (I know, because this has been me!)

We tell ourselves it’s a way of switching off our brains or that it’s giving our children some downtime. Maybe, for a little while. But as an everyday coping mechanism used to avoid reality, it’s not great for us or our children.

Here are some ideas to do instead.

Move your body
Movement is regulating, it helps modulate the intensity of our emotions and gives an outlet for what we’ve been holding in our body through each day. For children who struggle sitting still at a desk all day, movement is critical!

I’m talking about movement for enjoyment, not as a performance or goal. Ask your child how they would like to move their body and give some suggestions of what you can do with them; walk around the block or in nature close to your home, timing round the house running in the garden (if that’s your children’s vibe, without focusing too much on the competitive aspect), seeing how many jumping jacks you can do whilst whistling happy birthday, having a dance party! For older children, hitting golf balls at the driving range or going for a bike ride. What is fun for you, what is fun for your kids without too much admin, free (or cheap) and easily accessible.

Get creative
True story, I got overly involved in world news recently. It made me feel so angry and sad and down. And if I read the comments on any news articles it was even worse! I decided to ban myself from social media and even from reading any news for a week. When I made that decision I went and sat on the veranda with my drawing things and drew. I’m not an artist, at all. I drew without self-judgement and as long as the colours pleased me, I used them and I thoroughly enjoyed it. It felt like a detox!

I recommend using actual paper and pen/paintbrush/pencil crayon in order to get yourself away from digital devices and reconnect with yourself on a sensory level. If you really don’t know where to start, try a bilateral doodle. It has amazing benefits for the brain by helping get out of your cognitive processing and into a more creative space, also it is a doodle so no performance needed! I remember when the children were small giving them chalk to draw on the driveway. Also, paintbrushes and water to “paint” anywhere they wanted outside!

Be in nature
We can get stuck in thinking that our schedule is the most important thing. When we step into nature, we remember that there is life larger than our schedule, that there is so much more out there to enjoy and experience. Beauty in nature, no matter how small it is, does something good to our souls. If you’re privileged to have a garden, this is nature! It doesn’t have to be out there somewhere- although exploring further afield is fabulous when you can.

I’m sure your kids, when encouraged, can think of a million things to do in your garden. Unfortunately the pull of screens is that there is instant gratification in terms of pleasure and mindless entertainment. This has, in many ways, replaced outdoor exploration. I’m advocating for shutting down screens for the majority of the time and sending them back out into the garden, and/or further explorations in the great outdoors!

If your children need some encouragement and ideas, let them set up a mud kitchen, gather some materials to make a garden fort (our garden fort did end up looking like a squatter camp, but you know, all in the name of the great outdoors!), or go on garden walks with your children with the fun challenge of finding something you’ve never noticed before, or finding a specific colour plant, or something of a certain texture. Hey! This is movement, creativity and nature all in one!

Yes, I think the honeymoon is over. We might be feeling it, that's OK. I highly recommend not getting lost in digital space when you have downtime, and doing one of these other things, instead. I think your soul will thank you for it. Let me know how it goes!

THIS ARTICLE FIRST PUBLISHED ON LINDASMALLBONES.COM

19/01/2026

Good Morning! The third week of January 2026 is underway, I hope it is going well for you. Back at the Blog and I can't wait to share more and hear more from you this year.

(I'm having trouble posting the direct blog link. You can go to lindasmallbones.com and find the most recent blog post on the home page.)

21/11/2025

In today's blog, I post a recorded video conversation with Christy Herselman of The Chat! I had such a great time talking with Christy about how and why and when to talk to your child about s*x. It really is worth a listen!

Thank you so much Christy, The Chat.

PS: My apologies, the link is doing its weird thing again. Please click on link in the comments for the blog. (If anyone knows how to fix this issue, please let me know!)

I sat down with Christy Herselman recently, the author of "The Chat: Birds, Bees and Destinies." We hear her story of how this book came to be and how it has started a movement. Christy has authored two other books since and has many resources on her website which I

17/10/2025

Maybe YOU need to hear this today?
Do Less.

It is fully OK to recognise when you need to Do Less. You're not lazy, you're looking after yourself. Enter a bit of "rest and digest" mode, which, btw leads to more productivity and happiness in the future!

12/09/2025

Happy Friday morning from a drizzly, mizzly Howick! I hope today's blog can add some cheer to your day. It is a re-post of a post from two years ago when I first published some responses from the Emotional Connection Survey. I have updated it and added a couple of new responses that have been collected in this time. If you haven't taken the survey, it continues to be open and you can take it anonymously.

I hope that it can encourage you to think about emotional connection intentionally in your relationships, in a way that feels meaningful to you. It looks a little different to each of us, but we know it when we see it!

Explore survey insights on emotional connection, children's behaviour, and parenting responses. Learn practical ways to foster connection and overcome obstacles.

05/09/2025

Sandy is my friend and colleague. Always worth listening to what she has to say and full of JOY!! I highly recommend this talk 🥰

📅 Event Reminder!

Rooted in Relationship - Nurturing Connection in the Early Years, with Sandy Meyer.

The Wykeham Collegiate is delighted to host an interactive and practical talk on Parenting for Connection, with a special focus on the power of play in building strong parent-child relationships.

Led by our Play Therapist, Sandy Meyer, this hands-on session is designed for parents and their 4 to 6-year-old children (boys and girls welcome). Through fun, play-based activities and practical guidance, parents will learn simple, meaningful ways to connect with their children in everyday moments.

Details:
📅 Date: Wednesday, 17 September 2025
🕞 Time: 15:30 – 16:45
📍 Venue: Junior School Atrium, The Wykeham Collegiate, 100 Villiers Drive, Clarendon
🎟 Cost: Free (but RSVP is essential, by 12 September)
🔗 RSVP here: https://forms.office.com/r/4KUw3mRiBL
📧 Enquiries: media@twc.org.za
Come and discover how play can deepen your connection with your child and support their emotional development.

05/09/2025

Good Morning!! Happy Spring everyone!
Check out today's blog to find out what is NEW this Spring!

A project aimed at addressing the increase of inappropriate s*xual behaviours between children.

02/09/2025

I love these thoughts...the number one reason children and especially teenagers don't tell us when they've messed up...
"They don't want to have to manage their parent's reactions..."