06/01/2021
***This may be a triggering post if you have recently had a pregnancy loss. I will be sharing my story of my pregnancy loss in June 2020***
My husband and I had been trying for baby number two, but when lockdown hit us back in South Africa in March 2020, we decided to stop due to the trialling times we have all been faced with.
It took me a while to register that I had a missed period, possibly two missed periods. To be honest with you, COVID times makes all the days kind of mesh into one, so I really couldn’t remember.
I just thought to myself, maybe I should take a pregnancy test. So I did. We were absolutely overjoyed when we found out we were pregnant with baby number two and felt so much gratitude, as it seemed to happen just as easily as the first for us.
I couldn’t contain my excitement, so I told close family and friends and booked an appointment with my OBGYN asap!
According to my (after the fact) calculations I was about 8 weeks along. That meant I would be able to hear the heartbeat already and I was high on life those whole 4 days up until my appointment (even though this time around I would have to attend all my appointments alone).
Even my Doctor was elated for us as I stepped into his office, with his beautiful smile and bright, blue eyes.
Then disappointment hit both of our faces when he couldn’t find a heartbeat on the monitor. The picture on the monitor was also not what I remembered it to look like. My doctor was very practical with his response, ‘I am not saying there isn’t a baby and I am not saying there is. You will have to go for a few blood tests before I can tell for sure.’
The next 48 hours I spent hopeful. Hopeful that there was a baby and that my calculations were just wrong.
Due to COVID times, my doctor was disappointed that he had to tell me the sad news over the phone, ‘Normally, I would prefer to tell you this in person and chat. It is okay to be sad Jacqueline, I would be worried if you weren’t. Take some time and call me back when you’re ready to speak about the next steps.”
Tears came streaming down my face (and do again now as I write this 7 months later), as my husband consoled me. I took my time to let it all out and then called my doctor back.
I would have the procedure as soon as my COVID test came back negative.
48 hours later, I was waiting, alone, to be taken up to my room for the day to have my D & C. I was extremely anxious and sad, but weirdly, in a melancholy kind of way.
I was blessed with a wonderful roommate who helped distract me from what was about to happen.
The first day was all a blur, and thanks to the drugs, I felt okay.
Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. This grief was like no other I had experienced in the past. I have experienced quite a lot of death in my life, including a sister at age 11 and my best friend at age 30. But this time around, it was different. I was bombarded with a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts.
So, this time I decided to not distract myself with life, but to let all the feelings come and face them head on.
So many thoughts were racing through my mind....was it because I was exercising too vigorously, or maybe it was because I took some painkillers for those headaches I was having, is it because I am almost 40?? Will I be able to fall pregnant again? Maybe this is it? Maybe I am only meant to be blessed with one child. Am I okay with that?
The sadness would come in waves and it didn’t seem to matter what I was doing, it would come out of nowhere and then I would just start crying, or hold back the tears (depending where I was and who I was with).
The biggest question I have is, can we ever be fully healed after a loss like this? The next question I have is, where was the support? I don’t mean from my husband and close family, I mean from the hospital on the day. There was no offer of grief counselling or even a support number I could call If I just couldn’t cope.
These questions have, once again, inspired me to want to help other women on their healing journey after a pregnancy loss.
I feel called to do this.
I am currently deciding where to start and I am asking for your help.
I am thinking about opening a Facebook Support Group and possibly running some online zoom sessions for any woman who has experienced a pregnancy loss that would like to chat about it in a safe space, with other women who have experienced something very similar.
I am asking for your advice.
If you too have had a pregnancy loss and would be willing to chat to me about it (via text) over FB messenger, Whatsapp or Direct Message on Instagram, please do reach out to me.
I am so sorry for your loss and am sending you a big virtual hug.
Let’s normalize speaking about it, so we don’t feel like we need to suffer in silence.
I am the type of person who naturally will speak about my experiences as it helps me get through it. Chatting about my experience has helped me on my healing journey and through doing this, I learned that so many others have experienced the same and I never knew (because people just don’t speak about it).
1 in 4 to be exact.
***Pic taken 3 weeks after***
