09/04/2026
My two-year-old was standing on the kitchen table. Naked. Pouring a container of chia seeds onto his head. I had read zero parenting books. I opened my mouth and heard myself say, "What do you think you're doing?" He laughed. Then he poured more. That was the moment I realized I had no idea what I was doing.
I could remember buying this book at 9 PM on a Sunday, desperate, defeated, and covered in chia seeds. By the next morning, I had already used one of the scripts. It worked. Not like magic, more like a small miracle that made me cry in the bathroom afterward because I finally felt like I wasn't failing.
Joanna Faber is the daughter of Adele Faber, co-author of the original How to Talk So Kids Will Listen. She grew up watching her mother's methods in action. She has also spent decades teaching preschool and raising her own children. This book is not a remake of the original. It is a complete rewrite for the toddler and preschool set, ages 2 to 7, because, as Faber puts it, "you can't reason with a two-year-old any more than you can reason with a tornado."
What I Actually Learned:
1. Acknowledge feelings instead of fixing them.
This is the book's central tool. When your child is upset, your instinct is to solve the problem. "Stop crying. Here is the blue cup. See? It's fine." But Faber argues that fixing dismisses the feeling. The child is not crying because they want the blue cup. They are crying because they wanted the red cup and the red cup is gone. That disappointment is real. Acknowledging it—"You wanted the red cup. You are so disappointed. I hear you." —does not make it worse. It makes them feel seen.
2. Give choices instead of commands.
"Put on your shoes" invites resistance. "Do you want the red shoes or the blue shoes?" invites cooperation. The magic is that both choices lead to shoes. The child feels autonomy. You get the outcome. Win-win.
3. Describe the problem instead of blaming.
Instead of "Why did you leave your towel on the floor?" (which sounds like an accusation), try "The towel is wet on the floor. It needs to go on the hook." No blame. No shame. Just a fact and a request. Children are much more likely to help when they don't feel attacked.
4. Use "I notice" instead of praise.
"Good job!" is empty. Children stop hearing it. Instead, describe what you see: "I notice you put your shoes on all by yourself. Your feet went right in." That is specific. That is true. That tells the child what they did right so they can do it again.
5. You cannot reason with a dysregulated child.
This was the hardest lesson. When your child is in a meltdown, their prefrontal cortex (the reasoning part of the brain) is offline. They cannot hear you. They cannot process logic. Your only job is to keep them safe and wait. Talking comes later. This is not permissive. It is neurological.
I read this book three years ago. I still use the tools every single day. Not perfectly. Not even well, sometimes. But enough.
My child still has tantrums. I still lose my cool. But now I know how to apologize. Now I know how to wait. Now I know that the goal is not a perfectly behaved child. The goal is a child who knows that all feelings are welcome, all boundaries are held, and there is nothing they can do to lose my love.
Faber writes near the end: "The tools are not about controlling your child. They are about connecting with your child. And connection is the only thing that works."
If you are drowning in chia seeds and defiance and grocery store meltdowns, read this book. Keep it on your nightstand. Dog-ear the pages. Forget the scripts and try again tomorrow. Your child is not giving you a hard time. They are having a hard time. And they need you to be the calm.
BOOK: https://amzn.to/3OvlYgy
