04/07/2025
Leaning into Emotions when Grieving
When grieving, each person will go through uncomfortable feelings. This is a natural course for those who grieve. To grieve well, the griever will need to make every effort to embrace emotions that surface. They will need to trust that in accepting these emotions, that in leaning into these raw feelings… they will be pursuing the better course of action in their grief journey.
There seems to be an awkwardness by many individuals when it comes to talking about or expressing personal sentiments on or about death and grieving. Society tells us to avoid feelings that are associated with emotional pain. Those who grieve receive signals from family, friends, coworkers and others often indicating they would prefer if those who grieve avoid showing their feelings after the death of someone close. The bereft themselves, often fear the effects of grief and try to navigate around their feelings.
Leaning into painful emotions and reflecting on them, helps the griever gain control over their grief. Over time, they discover they can oscillate between the emotional ups and downs they experience. They will also find out they do not have to feel that they are in pain every moment of the day. The key is to allow emotional pain to be experienced when it unfolds and to accept it for what it is… rather than creating suffering from that pain.
There is a subtle distinction here. People often get caught up in the suffering, and forget that what they’re experiencing is actually just grief. They create a story around their grief. Grief episodes or grief bursts often can be relatively short in duration and the griever needs to give grief the time in that moment… to lean into it. It’s not going to be a forever thing… it’s just right at that moment.
Suffering, on the other hand, is more about how the griever reacts to grief. It’s important to know the difference between suffering and grieving… people sometimes become confused between the two. Some grievers feel that if they are not in pain, they are not being loyal to the person who died.
Remember grief is natural process, and if someone is feeling better over time it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re being disloyal to the relationship they shared with their beloved. “If I am going to truly grieve this person, I’m going to stay in this misery for the rest of my life.” In a way, suffering is avoiding the acceptance of this loss.
Withholding feelings and pretending really isn’t a healthy thing. Appearing to be stoic and strong is not leaning into emotions. By not leaning into grief, in the long term, the griever may experience a meltdown or actual physical ailments at some point in the future.
Being honest with emotions is vital to grieving well and being able to accept the loss of someone close. So, unleash the ugly cry. Don’t suppress or avoid feelings that are experienced. Delaying reactions to grief may result in severe repercussions in weeks, months and even years later.
Margaret Lorrie Beaton, MA, C. Hyp
Bereavement Counsellor
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