15/09/2022
It's been a while since I posted, as I've been travelling and working on a book about thriving ...
Here's a little bit I've written about coping strategies ...
If you find any thing helpful in what I've written, please let me know
About coping strategies
Most coping strategies, initially develop as a way to keep us safe in some way; physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually.
In many cases they then become a kind of default mode, an unconscious automatic response that we use when we are confronted with a situation in the future, that feels similar and evokes uncomfortable or painful, thoughts, feelings or bodily sensations.
A childhood victim of abuse for example, may unconsciously become overweight to become unattractive to their abuser, but as an adult this strategy to deal with emotional pain may get in the way of the person having the loving, intimate relationship they are wanting.
Another child may learn to placate a mentally ill and abusive parent to avoid bearing the brunt of their frustration, but using this strategy as an adult may lead to disappointment and contribute to relationship difficulties, because placating as a coping strategy, if an automatic, default mode, will probably result is feeling resentful and powerless.
It is very important to recognise the role that a coping strategy has. And to honour it.
I never agree with clients wish to “get rid of it” without having something else, that is less harmful and preferably more life-affirming to put in its place.
Whether you overeat, gamble, overwork, drink or take other drugs, withdraw, attack, use emotional blackmail, overexercise, overthink, try to be perfect, control, or in any other way distract yourself, numb yourself, block out unwanted thoughts and feelings to try to cope with what is going on, the first step in developing healthier, more positive sustainable alternatives is to
acknowledge that this activity or behaviour has served an important function in the past, and developed in response to a difficult situation or perceived threat,
The second is to
turn towards yourself with kindness, compassion and honesty,
instead of criticism or shame, and recognise that you have been trying to use an old tool that no longer works, or has a negative impact on you or on those you care about, or that it is impacting negatively on the way you function or show up in the world.
And the third is to
decide to learn a different way to cope and then take some action towards that.
Give yourself permission to be human and then hold yourself accountable by taking a small step or action towards learning a different, healthier or more values-aligned and congruent way of dealing with the hard stuff in your life, and the inevitable challenges, that will arise in the future.
This is a good way to take back control of your life that will then increase energy and hope.
See your old coping strategy as something that might have served you well in the past, but is now outdated, and needs to be updated.
You can still use it, if the circumstances warrant.
For example, withdrawing, may be an appropriate action if you are confronted with a dangerous situation in the future, however, decide it will no longer be your only response for every situation that feels uncomfortable.
The important thing is to have a few tools in your tool kit, so that you don’t have to use the same strategy for whatever happens.
In the same way that you need more than a hammer to deal with home maintenance, or more than band aids in your first aid kit to deal with a medical situation, you need a few strategies in your psychological first aid kit to deal with unexpected and difficult life events.
Coping strategies that work well in one situation, may not work so well in others.
Compartmentalizing (putting everything into discrete sections, categories or boxes) can be one way of dealing with emotional distress.
A child trying to cope with seeing her parents constantly fighting for example may learn to compartmentalize and shut that part of her life away, focusing on other bits of her life outside of her home.
This may keep you safe as a child, and it may even serve you in some workplaces, but using that strategy in your personal relationships may not be helpful and even lead to relationship issues or health issues.
Pilots for example, are trained to do exactly that to deal with potential emergencies, as are police, military and emergency service personnel who are often exposed to extremely distressing situations, and have to keep emotions in check.
We have all developed unconscious coping strategies as children to deal with uncomfortable situations.
Some like sport, nature, music, art, dancing, martial arts, books, daydreaming for example are healthy distractions and ways of channeling pent up emotions or energy, but other coping strategies are less so.
What coping strategy do you automatically use when you feel uncomfortable?
Do you typically approach, withdraw, distract, numb or something else?
Are you aware of what triggers you?
Is your coping strategy something you can control, or does it control you?
Does it cause you issues in other areas of your life?
For sustainable change and if you want to thrive, it is important to be honest with yourself.
We all have blind spots, areas that we may not be aware of.
If you really want to thrive and address an issue that has been troubling you, but you don’t know what your coping strategies are, one thing you could do, is to give permission to someone you trust and who you feel has your back, to let you know what they have noticed that you do when you are feeling uncomfortable, stressed, overly tired or anxious, because it is usually during these times that automatic coping strategies show up.
I have a need to understand, to try and make sense of things that are not clear to me, so I tend to ask a lot of questions.
This serves me well in my work as a counsellor, where making a good assessment, really understanding what is going on for a client (what their needs, fears, strengths, values and goals are) is critical to being able to help them meet their goals and create sustainable change.
In personal relationships however, I have had to learn to be mindful that my asking questions can feel uncomfortable or even like an interrogation or attack, even though that is not my intention.
Coping strategies that developed from past trauma usually manifest as automatic responses triggered by something that feels familiar AND unsafe.
Maybe it’s your partner’s tone of voice, that reminds you of being told off by a parent, maybe it’s a friend that keeps you waiting that triggers a feeling that you don’t matter, maybe it’s your boss’s micro-managing that makes you feel like you are not trusted, or perhaps it is a behaviour or action that you think is unfair that triggers your anger and frustration.
Whatever your sensitive spots are, and we all have them, it helps to
-know what they are
-expect them to happen and
-have a strategy, or two at the ready, that you can try when you are triggered.
Strategies that help ground you and feel calm or return to equilibrium, ensure that you can respond rather than react to a trigger.
When you react, you risk making a situation worse.
Expect to be triggered.
It puts you in a position of power.
Commit to taking responsibility for your actions by focusing on what you can do to remain calm and show up using your values and strengths.
Ultimately your goal would be not to react when you are triggered or provoked, or at least be able to respond without distress, if and when, you are.
This requires you to process past traumas or events fully, ensuring that you have been able to really deal with the impact of what happened (including what you tell yourself about yourself or the world) and no longer be carrying any physical, emotional, mental or spiritual baggage as a result.
If this is not possible on your own, then investing in a good therapist when you feel you are ready and have a clear goal about what you want to achieve, is a good idea.
More about coping strategies…
The price for adopting victimhood is giving up control over one’s life
Dr Ofra Ayalon
Trauma therapist and researcher Peter Levine coined the term Trauma Vortex to describe the whirlpool of chaos and emotions victims of trauma are often pulled into following a traumatic event.
However, a healing spiral has also been observed after trauma where people are pulled up and are able to find hidden inner resources.
The question is
How do you shift from one to other?
My clients have taught me that you can do it in a number of ways, including taking an active role, assuming responsibility for self-healing and choosing compassion and forgiveness.
As a therapist I want to help clients develop confidence, hope and meaning, even in the face and aftermath of serious trauma.
Knowing what their coping strategies are, increasing their ability to use different strategies (we have a tendency to automatically prefer one type over another) and ensuring that they have a range of options (physical, emotional, mental and spiritual) in their tool kit means that there will be the best chance of post traumatic growth or thriving.
I have a set of therapeutic cards (metaphoric associative cards) called OH cards that I was introduced to years ago in a grief workshop that complement my approach when working with trauma survivors.
There are a number of unique decks, but my favourite is called COPE. These 88 beautifully illustrated evocative cards stimulate creativity and communication. Originally developed by Canadian artist Ely Raman, the COPE deck was a communal project by Russian painter Marina Lukyanova, Israeli trauma therapist Ofra Ayalon and German publisher and psychotherapist Moritz Egetmeyer.
The COPE deck was created to help people identify their own particular way of coping with crisis and trauma, and is based on the principle of do no harm, and the belief that by using metaphor, you can help to heal trauma indirectly without re-traumatising the person who has experienced it.
The cards suggest that there are six main coping strategies
-they can be remembered by using the acronym basic ph
B stands for Belief system-
-this refers to having faith; in God, or trust in self or others
A stands for Affective expression-
-this is the ability to recognise, name and express feelings
S stands for Social support
-this refers to the need we have for someone to bear witness and offer practical, emotional, mental and spiritual support,
I stands for Imagination/creativity
-this recognises the reality that trauma is often beyond words but can be creatively and effectively expressed and processed in other ways
and C stands for Cognitive processing
-this refers to retelling the story or revisiting the scene of the trauma in safe way -analysing and understanding the demands of the situation- this is often most effectively done via psycho-education
And Ph stands for Physical behaviour and involves the senses. It is bringing attention to and expression of bodily sensations and/or movement. In other words, it is dealing with the somatic/physical aspects of trauma.
We all have developed ways to cope with uncomfortable thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations. Some are just healthier and more useful than others.
It is worth noting that unhealthy coping strategies can include seemingly positive activities including work, exercise, hobbies and volunteering, not just obviously unhelpful activities like, overeating, not exercising, addictions like s*x/ p**n, social media, gambling, self-harming behaviours, alcohol and other drugs.
The important thing is not what the activity is, but what function it plays, what our relationship with that activity is, whether we can manage or control it or whether it controls us. A good question to ask is;
Does doing this activity interfere with my ability to function in some way, or does it negatively impact on my mood, energy or relationships?
Healthy coping strategies on the other hand can lead to an increase in the feeling of agency and self-worth.
A good starting point in exploring coping strategies is to also ask;
Is this activity, action, behaviour, thinking pattern etc aligned with my best self, with my values and strengths?
Note: See section on Values
About Coping
To cope means to
deal effectively with something difficult
Coping is a skill. It can be learned.
Not coping is a state of victimhood.
It involves feeling powerless and stuck.
Coping is a sign of survival.
There are many, many ways that human beings have found to help them survive or cope.
Some are;
Venting- outbursts of thoughts and feelings
Emotionally purging -crying, screaming, groaning, laughing hysterically
Sharing and exchanging with family and friends
Sharing and reflecting with a professional mental health therapist, spiritual adviser or active listener
Problem solving
Rationalising- finding reason and understanding the why and how of a situation
Reframing the stressor- seeing it differently, diminishing its power
Reframing the meaning
Focusing on someone else’s perspective -seeing a bigger picture
Distracting with comfort food, drink, s*x, exercise, routines,
control – These are often unconscious
Increasing routine, attention to tasks, micro managing, obsessive behaviours
Consciously controlling- redirecting attention to tasks and activities that can be controlled
Getting physical
Practicing mindfulness-staying in the present
Praying
Writing
Meditating
Accept what cannot be controlled or changed
The question is, is that enough for you? Does it lead to permanent sustainable change, or is just temporary fix?
Coping is associated with being in Survival mode.
There is another option.
It is to aim for Thriving instead…
I’ve spent a lifetime trying to understand the value and difference between both states.
I work with my clients to connect them with their innate strengths, and values to do just that.
If you would like any more information visit my website www.monicaromeo.com
I am currently travelling in Europe and have some availability for new clients, in between writing, dancing and learning.
I’d been be privileged to work with you, if you want to thrive too!
