New Peace Counselling

01/02/2023

Procrastination – the act of delaying something that must or should be done; often because it is unpleasant or boring. At times we can all be guilty of it, and I must admit to being a champion (especially administration tasks). The reason I have not written on this page for a long time is, you guessed it, procrastination. We know it is not good for us as it can lead to anxiety and stress, but we still do it. When we procrastinate the task can get bigger, more complex or more urgent or it can certainly seem that way because we begin to feel the pressure to complete the task. There are many reasons that cause us to procrastinate, and these can change from task to task depending on the task and circumstances. There is no set pattern. I am going to list just some (I have been and am still guilty of most of them at different times) and offer some ways to combat it but it is by no means a comprehensive list.

Firstly, the reasons (which ones can you identify with?) – lack of confidence and self-belief, lack of self-discipline, finding better things to do with your time, anxiety, fear (particularly of criticism or failure), trying to multitask too many things, Feeling overwhelmed by your perception of the size and complexity of the task, perfectionism, lack of motivation, not liking or wanting to do the task, feeling it is too much effort, not knowing what your goals are, distractions, poor time-management, depression, ADHD and finally rebellion – most of us do not like being told what to do or being reminded that we need to do something.

Dealing with the problem of procrastination isn’t always easy but the following are some useful tips for overcoming it.
1) Identify the reason – sometimes knowing exactly what the problem is will help as you can do some positive self-talk to build up motivation.
2) Belief in yourself and your ability – remind yourself when you have successfully completed similar tasks.
3) Plan and prepare the task – Set clear goals and realistic deadlines, break it down into small manageable chunks (this makes the task look more achievable), prioritise tasks and sub-tasks. Do the more onerous or complex tasks when you have most time and energy and you are feeling positive and confident. Make sure you have everything you need to do the task before you start.
4) Don’t over-estimate or under-estimate tasks and sub-tasks. Allow yourself adequate time to complete. Factor in some time for disturbances or delays.
5) Schedule breaks for refreshment and rest. You will be more effective for it. Have a time for switching off at the end of the day to relax. If you are feeling stress, tired or jaded take a short break away from the task. You will feel better and more motivated for it.
6) Try to make the task more enjoyable – some people like to work to relaxing music.
7) Commit to a set time to do the task and stick to it.
8) Make sure your environment is right with no disturbances or distractions (where possible). That may mean no TV, Phone, Internet, social media, etc.
9) Forget perfectionism – it is not realistic or achievable. Aim for excellence or done and good enough. Allow yourself to make some mistakes as long as they are few in number and small.
10) Remember it is OK to ask for help and advice if you are stuck or unsure. Do it when you need to – it may save time and effort and avoid mistakes.
11) Avoid multitasking. Trying to do too many things at the same time causes a loss of focus and creates distractions, anxiety and stress. Don’t take on extra tasks because you feel you should. When asked to do things there are 4 possible answers – Yes, I can do that, No, I can’t do that, maybe I can do that (but it may be a while or may not actually be possible) and YOU MUST BE JOKING – ARE YOU SERIOUSLY EXPECTING ME TO DO THAT?
12) If you are a person of faith – Pray for inspiration, guidance, motivation, energy etc.
13) Congratulate yourself on successfully completing a task or sub-task.
14) Promise yourself a treat of some sort on completion of task or sub-task. It can be as simple as a nice cup of coffee or bar of chocolate or a day off to enjoy yourself.

Overcoming procrastination is often a case of self-discipline, which we can all lack from time to time, and can be the hardest part but with the right attitude it can be done. I hope this article as be useful and encouraging for you.

09/06/2021

The last 16 months has possibly been one of the hardest periods for lots of us filled with fear, uncertainty, sadness, illness, disappointment and restrictions and there has not been a lot to laugh about. For some the ability to do it has been suppressed or lost by the difficult circumstances. If you use social media you may have noticed that there is daily outpouring of humour being shared that has possibly increased as the months have passed and you may wonder why. I personally think that it is because we either consciously or subconsciously have realised that laughter has therapeutic values especially when we are facing difficulties and it is an inbuilt gift and ability. Babies naturally begin smiling at about 6 weeks and start laughing and enjoy making people laugh by the time they reach 5 or 6 months old without being taught. Us adults find it less natural and easy as we begin to face the pressures and worries of life. Whether you believe the validity of The Bible or not, right from the earliest chapter there is reference to people laughing in difficult circumstances a proverbs 17:22 says a cheerful heart is good medicine -possibly the origin of the popular phrase laughter is a good (or the best) medicine.

Scientific research has proved that laughter is good for physical, mental and emotional well being as it:-

relaxes the body
boosts the immune system
releases endorphins, the body’s natural feel-good chemicals which can also temporarily ease pain
protects the heart
burns calories
lightens anger’s heavy load
curbs distressing emotions
helps you relax and recharge
allows you to see some situations in a more realistic, less threatening light
draws you closer to others – it is contagious and when shared makes relationships closer
temporarily diverts you from your troubles
helps you forget resentments, judgments, criticisms, and doubts, forget inhibitions and express deeper feelings and resolve disagreements and tension.

If you are struggling at the moment please allow yourself to laugh, spend time talking to or spending time with people who can make you laugh, watch your favourite comedy programmes or read those social media posts that make you grimace or groan but most importantly laugh. It works. I know from personal experience that the times I lost the ability to laugh and did not allow myself to were the hardest and darkest times but when I changed that everything improved and life became easier.

01/07/2020

New Peace Counselling is 4 years old today. In that time it has been my privilege to meet and help many people and often enter into parts of their lives that nobody else has ever seen. I have been inspired by so many of them and I thank them for that privlege and experience. My life has on many occassions been touched, enriched and inspired. I also thank them for the inspiration for my facebook posts on this page. They have all been borne out of conversations in the many hours of counselling over the years

01/07/2020

Whenever we suffer a loss of any sort, whether it be through bereavement, the ending of a relationship or the loss of a treasured possession, we will experience varying degrees of grief. Some are fortunate and resilient to grief and recover quickly but others are not as fortunate and will take a long time to recover (if ever). When we have this experience this others will try to help, usually with words we don’t believe and don’t want to hear like “You will get over it” or “Time is a great healer”. In time we may even hear the really unhelpful phrases “It’s time you moved on” or “You should be over it by now” which may leave us feeling wrong to still be grieving or that there is something wrong with us and that we are not ‘normal’. In reality there is not a formula for grief recovery and certainly no time limit – everybody needs to take there own time to recover. My personal view is that grief will always be there and we in time learn to absorb and manage it will resurface form time to time and usually when we least expect it, giving us some feelings of sadness. It can be triggered in many ways photographs, certain songs, visiting places, anniversaries etc. My simplistic view is that It never really goes away. Loss leaves a black hole in our lives. In the circles diagram below the outer white circle represents our life and the black hole in the centre is our grief. When we first experience loss the grief fills most of our life but as time moves on and we become more functional our life becomes bigger being filled with more people, commitments, events, etc. and the grief is more manageable as it fills less of our life. You will notice that the ‘black hole’ stays the same size but it does not seem as big compared to the rest of our life. Grief is a complicated matter and is never straight forward. In the text books it is a simple progression through a number of phases shock, denial, anger and blaming, bargaining (looking for a way to get out of it and wanting it to end), depression, acceptance and moving on and rebuilding life with occasional backward steps and revisiting the feelings. See the second image below for a comparison of the text book and the reality. The reality is that grief and recovery from it is a mass of confused and bewildering feelings and emotions. It is more like a tangled and knotted ball of wool. If you have ever had to do that, you will that you will know that it is frustrating, you may not initially see the beginning or know where to start. Once you have found the beginning it takes great care and patience and a lot of time to unravel it making sure you don’t create more knots and tangles or to break it, but eventually it will become straightened out as long as you persevere and don’t give up. Once things (your life) are straightened out that tangled mess will be transformed into something useful and can be used for its full purpose again. If you are grieving give yourself all the time you need and have hope for peace and happiness in the future.

23/06/2020

Firstly an apology to the reader for the clichés and platitudes in this article, but they demonstrate the points far better than I can explain them.-“What if?” are two small but powerful words that can affect people in different ways. At first, to some, they are harmless and can feed the imagination, give inspiration or help to decide on contingency for plans and future events e.g. “what if I change my job? – I will be able to…”, ”move house - I can…’, “buy that car? – It will enable me to…”. For others these words can produce, fear and anxiety and can be debilitating and restrictive e,g. “what if I change my job and it is worse than the last one?”, “move house and I find it needs a lot of money spending on it and they are the neighbours from hell?”, “buy that new car and it is an unreliable dud?”. “What if?” can be hopeful and build dreams and create opportunities or it can be hopeless and create fear and limitations depending on our disposition at the time. Sadly no one can predict or fully control the future but we spend a lot of time and effort (and worry) trying to focus and concentrate too much on a future that may not happen or exist rather than concentrating on the present reality. Expectations can distort evidence- when we expect a particular event our assumptions (or misconceptions) can mask the truth and prevent us from seeing and dealing with what is really happening. Sometimes when we are in a negative frame of mind we can take something that looks similar to our expectations and escalate it into a “reality” that we are expecting rather than what is actually happening - FEAR (False Evidence Appearing Real) will kick in. but we have a choice We can Face Everything And Run (away from things) or Face Everything And Rise (to the challenge). Bad things will happen and can’t be predicted or controlled but will often turn out OK. We can’t control what happens but we can control how it affects us. What we fear is largely unfounded and the rest we have to deal with. In short we have to deal with the “WHAT IS” (present reality) rather than fretting about the “WHAT IF” (unpredictable and may never happen). The Bible sums it up nicely when it and says “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34. The current pandemic situation has shown how unpredictable and uncontrollable the future is but it has been filled with stories of adaptability, creativeness, resilience and inspiration in difficult and often painful times which we can all learn and take hope from. If things are difficult for you at the moment it is time to create some space and time for yourself to rest, breath and think about what to do in your situation rather than looking too far into the future.

30/12/2019

Life is full of difficult circumstances and sadly it has to be realised and accepted that they are an unavoidable part of life, no one is exempt. These are very dark and painful episodes that we may feel we do not deserve (and more often than not we don’t) that cause us to lose hope and sight of ourselves and we may think they are never going to end and we will not survive them, but in time they will end and we will survive. They leave painful memories and life may not be the same again and they leave us feeling exhausted and defeated but, believe it or not, there are positives to the experiences that may not be immediately obvious. When we come through the difficulties we have managed to build up a resilience and resistance, found inner strengths and abilities we did not know we had, we have found out things about ourselves, our needs and desires, we have discovered who will stand by us in difficulties and how to call on them when we are in need, we have discovered our limitations and also how much we can achieve and sometimes our aspirations for the future and will have built up our character.

If you are one of those people who have had a difficult period in your life (or still going through it) take hope for the future, things can(and usually will) get better. It may take some hard decisions to escape the circumstance or take action to change them or make changes in your life but you can do it. There are many people who have been through traumas and difficulties that have gone on to do great things to help others by setting up charities, campaigning for a better conditions or changes in the law to protect others or taken career changes to help others who are having the same experience. Take inspiration from their stories and examples and it may be that you will follow suit if your heart eventually leads you in that direction.

13/11/2019

Sometimes when we have made a mistake, made a bad decision or failed at something that has affected other people our feelings of guilt and shame overwhelm us and we begin to believe that we deserve to be punished and punished repeatedly and severely. It is at times like this that we become our own judge and jury and the punishment we mete out to ourselves is a life sentence that far outweighs the seriousness of our perceived offence. Quite often our misdemeanours are let of with a caution because the other people haven’t noticed it, they have overlooked it or have chosen to forgive and forget it because they love us. In a court of law the sentence fits the crime and it is a one-off penalty. Once the penalty has been paid it is over. It would be an unusual person who asks the judge and jury to make the penalty more severe or wants to pay the penalty over and over again so whey do we do it to ourselves by continually punishing ourselves for our failings and mistakes? We have to learn to accept that we are human and fallible and are in good company because everybody makes mistakes from time to time and sometimes hurt others in the process. If you find yourself in this position why not be kind to yourself and let yourself of with a caution or sentence yourself to ‘Community Service’ and do something good to redress the problem. There is a therapeutic ‘feel good’ factor to doing good for others (it may become a good habit and you may want to continue doing your ‘Community Service because you enjoy it and want to do it voluntarily rather than as a punishment). Please don’t hold onto the pain of the past. You wouldn’t cling tight to a piece of broken glass or something that is red-hot because it would be too painful and damaging to you so why do it with your memories of the past? Try forgiving or pardoning yourself and look to the future. You can’t change the past but you can decide and control the future.

02/07/2019

Guilt and shame tend to be mentioned together and can be confused and are often considered to be a bad thing. Both are God given emotions that can be used to our advantage to make us better people. Guilt is the feeling we get for doing things that we should not have done and shame is the feeling of not measuring up to who we feel we should be. In a positive way guilt can motivate us to redress things we have done wrong and shame can be used as an opportunity for self-reflection to try harder to make improvements in our personality and life. Sadly, the bullies, manipulators and controllers in life can play on these emotions and cause us to lose sight of our identity, confidence and self-worth and cause us great anxiety. When they manage to send us on that ‘Guilt Trip’ we find ourselves constantly ‘Jumping Through Hoops of Fire’ to please them and find that it is a ‘Mission Impossible’ as when we have done one thing they want there will be another thing they want. Unfortunately like a fly caught in a spider’s web we don’t see the danger until it is too late and it is hard to escape because our emotions kick in much quicker than our rational thinking.

So how do we spot that somebody is sending us on a ‘Guilt Trip’? Here are a few of the answers:-

1) They try to make us feel responsible for their actions or for things happening to them.
2) They give us the silent treatment to make us worry about what we have done to offend them
3) They tell us who and what we are and what we have done is not good enough
4) They remind us of what they have done for us (quite often this is distorted and over-played)
5) They compare you unfavourably with others
6) They try to manipulate us into positions where we feel we cannot refuse their request
7) They question your love and commitment to them
8) They make us feel as if it our duty to please them
9) They make us feel as if we are the only one who can do it and they cannot survive without us (and there will be possible consequences if we don’t serve and please them)
10) The make us feel we have always got to compliment and flatter them and cannot say anything that can be perceived as negative.

It is not easy to escape when we are in a ‘Guilt Trip’ situation, it requires a sense of how we deserve to be treated and respected, courage, practice, assertiveness, self belief, and an ability to set and maintain personal boundaries. We have to decide what is fair and justified and what we are capable and willing to give and what is right for us to give.

Remember, when we do good things for others out of choice we maintain our dignity and integrity and gain respect and value ourselves more and stay in control of our lives. If we find ourselves being ‘People Pleasers’ out of a sense of guilt and shame it can be detrimental to our overall sense of well being and can encourage the ‘Guilt Trippers’ to treat us unfairly.

One word of caution – when you escape the ‘Guilt Trip’ - Don’t expect the ‘Guilt Tripper’ to accept or like it as it means they have lost their control over you and you have gained it.

23/05/2019

Everybody fails at something at sometime in their lives and so often we view it as a negative thing and allow it to define us. However, most successful people will say that they have gained their success through the experience of failing and learning from the failure. These are the people who have the wisdom to know that ‘Failure is the key to success; each mistake teaches us something (Morihei Ueshiba)’ and that ‘Failure is an event, not a person (Zig Ziglar)’. None of us like to fail but it is virtually inevitable and the only way to avoid it is to never do anything. When we do fail we need to remind ourselves that everybody fails. When we do fail our emotions kick in far too fast and a lot quicker that our rational thinking making us feel useless and defeated. Such emotions as regret, frustration and self-pity and despondency are just some that we experience making us feel weak, useless and helpless. If we can control these emotions and recognise that they are only temporary it will give us time to reflect and learn. In reflecting, some of the questions we can ask our self are;-

Did I really fail or was I aiming to high or trying to fulfil unrealistic expectations of other people?

What can I learn from this?

How can I turn this into a success?

Is it a total fail or did I gain or achieve something in the experience? (Quite often we make some progress even if we didn’t fully achieve the desired result).

What do I need to do diferently?

Do I need take a different direction?

Can I learn from others who have had a similar experience?

Can I use my experience to help or guide others?
Has the experience made me stronger or wiser?

Never feel defeated when you fail – get back up and go again (in greater knowledge and wisdom). You may have to take the eight count (a boxing term for getting back up and taking time to recover and get the head straight). There is no need to feel down for long if you adopt a positive attitude and believe that failure can also be a positive experience. A wise person once said ‘I am never down. I am either up or getting up’. The old saying ‘If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again’ meaning don't give up too easily; persistence pays off in the end is so often true.

15/03/2019

When you feel insecure you often say yes when you would really like to say no. But to be a winner it is necessary not to let others control you. You fear rejection and invest too much of your time and effort trying to keep others happy and therefore you lose sight of yourself. It is impossible to be everything you think everybody else wants you to be but you try to be and end up feeling that you cannot cope and become tired, angry, resentful and bitter. Sometimes you try to second guess what others want from you and put excessive demands on yourself by assuming that they want more from you than they actually do. That fear of displeasing people makes you want to keep complying and you become angry with them. The answer lies in not getting angry with those who add more demands on you (the more you comply the more they may demand of you and expect that compliance because that is what you do) or you assume they are. The real answer lies within you. You are responsible for controlling your own life and need to begin to recognise your own self worth, your hopes and your priorities and acting accordingly. It is OK to care what others think if it is reasonable but it is not good when you make what they think (or assume that they do) a problem for you. The answer is to stop trying to be ‘all things to all men’ and start feeling secure in who you are. By doing this you give yourself chance to recognise and fulfil your true potential.

03/03/2019

Found on the bedroom wall this morning - Pearls of Wisdom from my 11 year old granddaughter. It made me think what it is like to see things through the eyes of a child and how easy it is to lose sight of simple truths when life takes an unexpected turn for the worse

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01/09/2018

When we have been badly hurt our natural tendency is to want justice, and harbour grudges, resentment, anger, bitterness and even want vengeance, all feelings that are ultimately harmful to our sense of peace and contentment. Forgiveness is the last thing on our minds and something that we find hard to do. The misconception about forgiveness is that it is about the offender and it means exonerating them, excusing them and releasing them from justice and blame and forgetting the offence as well as allowing them the opportunity to hurt us again. Whilst there may be elements of forgiveness some of these are true it is not the main aim. Forgiveness, however, when understood and practiced is more about the offended and is greatly liberating and hugely beneficial to mental and physical health. When we forgive we can reach a state of contentment and peace which leads to improved physical and mental health which can bring about better blood pressure, improved heart health, a better immune system, less anxiety, stress, depression and increased confidence and self-esteem.

It may take a long time to reach a position where forgiveness becomes a possibility and it does not happen naturally. It is a choice that may require a lot of personal struggles, it is a conscious decision to let go of all those harmful feelings. When that point is reached happiness, joy, peace and the ability to look to the future (rather than the past) become a possibility. Finally, when we chose to forgive we release ourselves from the power the offender has held over us and we can free our self from any guilt or shame that we hold on to and begin to take control over our lives as we focus on self rather than the offender. We may not forget the offence, and probably will not, but the wisdom we acquire may help avoid similar situations in the future. An added benefit is that forgiveness can also improve our relationships with others as we begin to learn to trust again and begin to let people get close to us again.