Jordan Dann, Psychoanalyst, New York, NY (2026)

09/10/2023

An airplane navigates using GPS and satellite. Sea vessels use lighthouses, bouys, and compasses. Pigeons use magnetoreception, using the earth’s magnetic field to guide their route.
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Do you and your partner have commandments that help you navigate your relationship?
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👇🏽tag someone you’re in a relationship with and add one of your commandments in the comments, or choose one from this list.🔥 I’m going to randomly select one of your comments for offer a 50% coupon to our Relationship Transformation Course.

*x

07/09/2023

A common relationship question I receive is, “What is the difference between controlling behavior and a boundary.”
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Thanks to Jonah Hill for offering a great piece of stimulus for this dialogue. (See image for recent text to Sarah Brady)
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A boundary is a limit for YOURSELF which protects your emotional and physical well-being. A boundary supports YOUR ability to feel connected, safe, and in alignment with your integrity.
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Controlling behavior is telling someone how THEY need to behave or act in order for you to feel comfortable and/or avoid uncomfortable feelings.
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If I were working with Jonah, I’d invite him to notice what Sarah’s behavior is bringing up for him.

Me: “Jonah, it seems like Sarah’s surfing and her choices to be photographed are triggering some feelings of a lack of trust, and possessiveness, maybe? I wonder if you’d consider having a conversation with her in person and taking responsibility for what feelings are coming up for you?”

OR

“It seems like this relationship is brining up feelings of insecurity for you, Jonah. Maybe Sarah’s choices aren’t a fit for you, or maybe we can work together on your anxiety.”

OR

Jonah shows me text. Me: “Let’s explore how you can might say this to her in a way that allows you to own your part, and also acknowledges Sarah’s autonomy. It seems like the text you sent was an attempt to do that, but your use of the work ‘boundary’ and your judgment of her behavior reads as controlling and a weaponization of therapy speak.”

06/14/2023

In our earliest relationships we are “taught” roles and rules about how we are supposed to behave. These early teachings are unconscious templates that end up driving our behavior, and also drive our attraction towards people who will perform in “compatible” roles.
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🔵If I am a caretaker, you will be in need of care.
🔵If I am controlling, you will be willing to be controlled.
🔵If I am abusive, you will be abused by me.
🔵If I am selfless and always put you first, you will be someone who has to come first.
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One day, the spark of consciousness flickers and suddenly you wake up and see the consequences of these roles. You notice that you’re exhausted, hurting, or not satisfied. Some part of you asks another part of you, “Is this the way it has to be?”
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As you fan the flames of consciousness you’ll start to take responsibility for your part. As you wake up, you’ll start to see how you’ve been teaching people how to treat you. You will discover that your teachers didn’t honor your boundaries and limits. You will discover that your teachers didn’t hold your needs as sacredly as they held their own.
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And…you’ll become your own teacher. You will feel empowered to set boundaries, define your expectations, express your needs and feelings, and leave relationships or situations that don’t feel safe or satisfying. Teaching people how to treat you is a process that involves your ability to say, “YES” and “NO.” Teaching people how to treat you involves teaching them what is “ACCEPTABLE” and “UNACCEPTABLE.” Teaching people requires you knowing what you need and want, and being able to communicate this effectively to other people.
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✅ Learn the unconscious roles you play and learn how to teach people about your needs and emotions clearly and effectively in my RELATIONSHIP TRANSFORMATION COURSE: the art of rupture and repair. LINK IN BIO.

06/10/2023

The phrase “rupture and repair” refers to the breaking and restoration that occurs in all relationships. Since we are scanning the environment every four seconds for safety, this means that we can experience a rupture at any moment. What feels like a rupture for you, may not register as a rupture for your partner.
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✅ Drop your thoughts and reflections j. The comments below. 👇🏽 When it comes to this aspect of relationship, what do you find to be the most challenging? Where in this cycle do you struggle the most?

06/04/2023

In the most simple of terms, relationship dynamics come down to how you negotiate space and connection in relationship to another person. Some people experience anxiety when their partner is too far; and others feel anxiety when their partner is too close.
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If you are someone who experiences anxiety when your partner is too close, learning to identify what you need and express your needs with assertiveness is a way for you to maintain your autonomy, space, and separateness. Your path towards growth is to expand your tolerance for closeness, expression, and connection.
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If you are someone who experiences anxiety when your partner is too far away it is important to learn to tolerate more space. Your path towards growth is about slowing down , accepting the reality of your partner’s difference, and being curious about what is important about your partner’s need for more space.
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The bottom line: couples need to collaborate to create safety, tolerate one another’s differences, and STRETCH to expand the distances they come and go from one another.
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✅ Drop a comment about what you understand YOUR PARTNER needs for safety and join my newsletter (at the link in my bio) for more on building healthy relationships.

06/01/2023

It’s important to be able to identify when your partner (or your child) is distressed, as this is a core aspect of attunement which offers the foundation of secure attachment.
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Sometimes dysregulated behavior is very apparent, and other times you may need to resonate with more subtle cues of dissociation, restlessness, distraction, anxiety, or preoccupation.
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Having a dialogue with your partner, or your child, in a moment of calm is a great way to explore how to be with one another in moments of activation. Ask your loved one what they need when they are upset, and how they would like you to be with them. This can support you both in co-regulatory processes.
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❤️, 🔖 or 🫂 with someone you’d like to co-regulate with.

05/31/2023

“Amor” translates to Cupid 💘 and comes from the Latin “to love.” When we communicate with others it it crucial to hold intentions of TRUTH and LOVE.
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Paying attention to what you need and learning to communicate frustrations effectively, are two of the most important skills for being in a healthy and satisfying relationship.
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However, people are often afraid to share their needs or frustrations out of fear of conflict, rejection, judgment, or abandonment.
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If you haven’t learned to express yourself directly, engaging in assertive communication can feel confrontational. However, getting your needs met and feeling connected; requires communication. Therefore, having a communication practice of some kind can help support you when you are feeling anxious or overwhelmed and need to express yourself. Try implementing this simple acronym next time you need to be direct.
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👇🏽 Which step is most difficult for you? Leave a note or question in the comments. 🫶🏽

05/30/2023

Accepting your partner for who they are can be one of the most powerful interventions you can offer your partnership.
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This doesn’t mean that you should neglect your boundaries, needs, or tolerate abusive behavior. However, sometimes accepting your partner for who they are, or accepting that some aspects of who they are won't change, can be an empowered choice that opens up space for connection. (Side Note: When we are fully accepted as we are is when change often occurs.)
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Tune into your most emotionally mature, highest-self and ask this part of you: Is this issue something to address, or something to accept? Either way, keep in mind that the change you bring to your relationship can do a lot to change the dynamic of your relationship.
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👉🏽What have you worked on accepting in your relationship? What issues matter most to you? ✅ Want to development your capacity for acceptance? Check out my RELATIONSHIP TRANSFORMATION course at the link in my bio.

05/28/2023

During the “romantic phase” of a new relationship, most people have their best foot forward and have a tendency to overlook any problems with their partner. We project our ideal mate onto another person and can often overlook (or refuse to see) who our partner really is. During the romantic phase it can feel like “we are the same person.”
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The power struggle can take many forms but often we know we are in a power struggle when we are stuck in “core scenes.” Core scenes are fights or conflict that have a feeling of repetition. Like you and your partner are actors in a play and it’s time to pull out the scripts for the fight that you always have.
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The first step in a process to heal your connection is that you both can acknowledge that there is a problem and to try to work together to articulate what the issue is.

The second step is to understand that what is happening is most likely a “surface issue”, which is to say that the conflict/power struggle that you’re experiencing is most likely not about the dishes, broken faucet, or money.

The third step is to get curious about your dynamic. The underlying issues are most likely about your early attachment pattern and can usually be categorized as: a fear of rejection or abandonment, OR a fear intrusion (being trapped, controlled, or smothered).

You and your partner need to work on collaborative awareness development, co-creating safety, and combining acceptance + healthy change.
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What are your questions and comments about the power struggle? Ready to transform the power struggle? Start my RELATIONSHIP TRANSFORMATION COURSE today. LINK IN BIO.

05/28/2023

During the “romantic phase” of a new relationship, most people have their best foot forward and have a tendency to overlook any problems with their partner. We project our ideal mate onto another person and can often overlook (or refuse to see) who our partner really is. During the romantic phase it can feel like “we are the same person.”
~•~
The next stage in a relationship is called the “power struggle.” This is when we realize that we are two separate people with differences. The power struggle can take many forms but often we know we are in a power struggle when we are stuck in “core scenes.” Core scenes are fights or conflict that have a feeling of repetition. Like you and your partner are actors in a play and it’s time to pull out the scripts for the fight that you always have.
~•~
1️⃣The first step in a process to heal your connection is that you both can acknowledge that there is a problem and to try to work together to articulate what the issue is.

2️⃣The second step is to understand that what is happening is most likely a “surface issue”, which is to say that the conflict/power struggle that you’re experiencing is most likely not about the dishes, broken faucet, or money.

3️⃣The third step is to get curious about your dynamic. The underlying issues are most likely about your early attachment pattern and can usually be categorized as: a fear of rejection or abandonment, OR a fear intrusion (being trapped, controlled, or smothered).

4️⃣ You and your partner need to collaborate on building awareness, co-creating safety, and combining acceptance + healthy change.
~•~
✅ What are your questions and comments about the power struggle?

05/26/2023

“Irrelationship” is a term coined by Borg, Brenner, and Berry in their book, “IRRELATIONSHIP: How we use Dysfunctional Relationships to Hide from Intimacy.” The book explores a common dynamic of two people co-creating a dynamic that replicates early childhood attachment.
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An “irrelationship” is a behavioral song-and-dance that leaves one person working really hard to create intimacy and closeness, and one person refusing to engage. The important thing to understand is that the person “working really hard” also has an unconscious agenda to avoid the anxiety and fear of closeness. So, while on the outside it might look like it’s the person who is closed who is the problem: both people are doing the dance toge.
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We all can make individual changes that benefit our relationships. I can learn to communicate without attack. I can become aware of my anxiety and work to come into greater regulation. I can share my emotional world with my partner with grounded vulnerability. If I do all that work and my partner won’t respond; I need to either accept this reality, or move towards a relationship that isn’t a closed system.
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🌱Want to deepen your conscious relationship with yourself or your partner? Join my RELATIONSHIP TRANSFORMATION course at the link in my bio.

Jordan Dann, Psychoanalyst

09/10/2023

07/09/2023

06/14/2023

06/10/2023

06/04/2023

06/01/2023

05/31/2023

05/30/2023

05/28/2023

05/28/2023

05/26/2023

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