04/14/2026
Self-compassion is not “Welp, guess I’m just like this.” That’s actually a form of avoidance. Self-compassion provides the safety required to look at our “ugly” parts without blinking. If you can’t look at it, you can’t change it.
When we mess up, especially in a big rupture way, our default is usually shame. The problem with shame is that it’s biologically paralyzing. When you’re in a shame spiral, you’re in survival mode, you can’t actually access the part of your brain (the prefrontal cortex) that is capable of empathy for others or creative problem-solving. Ownership is how we bring shame INTO our repair process. When we speak the things we feel shame about out loud we get reality testing and connection instead of isolation.
Shame says: “I am a bad person, so I might as well keep acting this way.”
Self-Compassion says: “I am a human who had a bad moment/pattern. Because I’m not a monster, I have the capacity, and the responsibility to fix this.”
3 parts of self compassion:
1. mindfulness of suffering. “I am suffering right now.”
2. Common humanity “we all suffer,
I am not alone or unique in this.”
3. Offer yourself kindness ❤️
3 Steps for repair
The Internal Hug: “Ouch. I really messed that up. This feels terrible because I value being a good partner/parent/friend.” (This settles the nervous system).
The Radical Honest Look: Now that I’m not spinning in shame, what actually happened? What was the “why” behind the behavior?
The Repair: Going to the other person and saying, “I see the pain I caused. I’m not making excuses. Here is how I am working to ensure this doesn’t happen again.
How are we thinking about this?
