Rachel Hercman, LCSW

Rachel Hercman, LCSW Psychotherapist - Relationship Consultant- Speaker It's not all about what our lives look like on paper; it's about how we are feeling inside.

People can feel stuck for all sorts of reasons; whether it's something old or something new, there is room for healing and improvement. I feel honored to work with people on cultivating a more vibrant relationship with themselves, their loved ones, and the world around them. I work primarily with adults and see individuals and couples of various backgrounds and cultures. My specialties include:

Dating and Relationship Issues
Sexual Functioning and Satisfaction
Body image and Sexuality
Pre and Post Marital Counseling
Trauma and Loss
Family Conflict
Anxiety and Depression
Transitions and Life Cycle Events

Did you know?Everyday millions of h***y people make it through the day without abusing anyone. Blaming s*xual abuse sole...
01/07/2022

Did you know?

Everyday millions of h***y people make it through the day without abusing anyone.

Blaming s*xual abuse solely on s*xual impulses and 'having needs' misses crucial pieces about power, entitlement, and control.

It's also an abuse of power when influential leaders speak about abuse in a way that denies the discussion instead of deepening it, when people oversimplify what's complex and overcomplicate what's simple.

Lack of ownership can mark a lack of leadership, and it's normal for that to leave people feeling abandoned by leaders they trust-- and for those who have been abused this can be especially triggering.

So, how do we respond when leaders get abuse wrong?

We educate, give proper language that has nuance and balance.

We use our voices.

We make space for each other, especially for those who keep getting salt thrown on the wound.

We advocate for survivors and challenge the systems that hurt them.

And we keep the conversations going, cuz one thing's for sure:

"Let's move on" doesn't make an issue go away.

*xualabuse *xabuse
*xabuseawareness
*xualtrauma

Euphemisms often operate on the assumption that the other person knows what you're talking about..without you elaboratin...
10/10/2021

Euphemisms often operate on the assumption that the other person knows what you're talking about..without you elaborating on what you're talking about.

This can create challenges in all relationships, and in any situation where someone is in need of assistance or support, euphemisms are extra risky.

Language for what's wrong is important, especially with s*x and relationships.

When you're lost or confused or in crisis, it's hard enough to find words.

But when it's words that were never given, never taught, never welcomed-- the access and ease to find pleasure and healing is hindered.

Sometimes the resistance I hear in avoiding s*x euphemisms rests on a premise that's binary: Either we're sticking to euphemisms or we're shouting about s*x from the rooftops with no regard or reverence.

Yet there is so much in between, and I've seen firsthand how powerful it can be when there is more openness and nuance. I feel honored to witness this in my work, in the therapy room and in communal conversations and presentations.

Last winter, I was privileged to be part of a panel about women's s*xual health (link in bio), and as I still receive messages from people saying it gave them language they never had, it brings me to tears. It moves me to see that as a community we are moving- albeit slowly- but moving nonetheless. I think about the changes I've seen over the years in the field and I'm hopeful.

I'm hopeful in the increase in dialogue.

I'm hopeful in the increase in education.

I'm hopeful that as people learn more about what relationships and s*x mean to them and for them, they can find more meaning and joy in their experiences.

*x *x
*xed *xuality
*xualhealth
**sm *xedsunday *xuality

When it comes to the peanut gallery, ya can't win- and at the end of the day, they're not the ones going home with your ...
10/08/2021

When it comes to the peanut gallery, ya can't win- and at the end of the day, they're not the ones going home with your partner after the wedding.

You are.

It's great to have supports, to have a good dating committee, a few trustees. If your committee can fill up a school bus, it might be too big and too loud to hear yourself think.

The peanut gallery is not the right committee.

One of the best definitions of shame I've ever heard is an acronym:Should Have AlreadyMastered Everything I often say th...
10/06/2021

One of the best definitions of shame I've ever heard is an acronym:
Should
Have
Already
Mastered
Everything

I often say that growing often involves grieving.

It's a delicate dance of holding on and letting go.

It's a changing relationship with the space inside you.

Cultivating fresh space can also mean sensing emptiness for what was once there. Even if you wanted to let it go, farewell brings feelings.

Reflecting on growth and celebrating progress you've made doesn't have to mean shaming where you used to be.

You were probably doing the best you could then, and while there may be helpful guidance in how to change and improve, growth is an art, a science, yet also a mystery.

Growth can humble us.

There is much we know and there is much we don't know about the Why Now versus Why Not Then.

We can honor that road-- and every stop along the way.

🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸 #911
09/10/2021

🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸 #911

Shhhh. I know, you mean well and you're trying to help.They may not be asking for your help though. They've also probabl...
09/02/2021

Shhhh.

I know, you mean well and you're trying to help.

They may not be asking for your help though.

They've also probably considered these things and even exhausted them.

They've probably heard these things from other people too.

If they need ideas or inspiration from you, they can ask.

If you want to offer ideas or inspiration, you can ask and give them space to decline. (And it doesn't mean they're bitter)

Whatever you do, know that these suggestions aren't simple, and to use "just" as prefix- especially to someone whose challenges may feel like life is unjust-- can add pain to the pain they are already experiencing.

You can show warmth and love in the way you greet them. In the look in your eye, in the way you interact, in the way you stay out of the information-gathering and advice-giving conversational reflex that is so common.

Be the change in conversation.

Be the change in community.

Sometimes one of the defenses people have for not educating youth about s*x is that they live in an "insular" community....
09/02/2021

Sometimes one of the defenses people have for not educating youth about s*x is that they live in an "insular" community.

I think there was a time when parents had more control- never total- over what their children were exposed to and when.**

It's a different world now.

Relying on how things used to be or how they were for you can be risky and miss important opportunities to have conversations that are framed with nuance, values, and safety.

The other day as I was organizing menus I had a memory of my Bubbie's chicken soup and its aroma. When I was a little gi...
09/02/2021

The other day as I was organizing menus I had a memory of my Bubbie's chicken soup and its aroma.

When I was a little girl, I loved watching Bubbie dress up for shul on Rosh Hashana, her jewelry, the way she'd put on her elegant hat with just the right tilt. She'd listen intently to the Rabbi's sermon and deeply loved the holiday tunes, and even as Alzheimer's robbed her she could still pivot into that zone. I remember the festive holiday table, my Zaydie sitting at the head with a quiet, sweet contentment as he sliced the round challah and used the silver honey dish I now have for my own table.

I thought of my other grandparents. Grandpa's enveloping hugs and the familiar smell of his cologne, standing under his prayer shawl with him during the priestly blessing in shul. His tall stature, strong arms, gentle blue eyes peering down at us with a love and protectiveness I can still feel more than ten years since his passing-- it's an image eternally imprinted on my heart. I can vividly see myself sitting with my great-grandmother, Grandma Annie, the matriarch, next to Grandma, with my mother next, followed by me and my siblings. Four generations praying.

These memories are so blessed and make me smile.

They also make me feel grief for what no longer is.

Interestingly, the word "nostalgia"' comes from the Greek words "nostos" (return home) and "algos" (pain).

Trips down memory lane can bring up a host of feelings, and this time of year can have some big feelings, especially grief.

It's a sensitive time for many.

Days of Awe can be Days of Raw.

Acknowledging that and making space for the feelings can help us have clarity; to notice energetic changes and ask, what am I sensing, what might this really be about for me?

With curiosity to learn and permission to feel, the heaviness of grief can shift in a way where it doesn't disappear but where its obscured reach is less perplexing.

And with surrender and acceptance that it's there, there is more room for other feelings alongside it and embedded in it-- and possibly joyful ones too.

Everyone gets hurt in life-- nobody gets through here unscathed. Some are hurt worse than others.However, not everyone h...
09/02/2021

Everyone gets hurt in life-- nobody gets through here unscathed.

Some are hurt worse than others.

However, not everyone handles, addresses, or forwards their pain the same way.

"Hurt people hurt people" is one of those lines that gets thrown around a lot and is meant to be insightful.

To elicit understanding, even compassion.

To make sense of abuse, violence, neglect, and other wounds and deficits endured.

To answer the perplexing questions of Why and How.

In some ways it can help people feel like they can depersonalize pain, that it's not necessarily personal or intentional or rational.

But I think "Hurt people hurt people" can be too absolute and lacks nuance.

At times it's used in a way that enables or condones cruel behavior, and with absolving accountability. The person/people they hurt may not feel permission to have their feelings-- and may feel unseen in the harm caused.

Hurting others can be a perverse pain management from being hurt yourself. But it's not an automatic, across-the-board reality and reasoning. Being hurt can lead to multiple roads and choices and pathways downward and upward.

Let's say someone was bullied mercilessly as a child. It can hurt deeply and for some, can carry self beliefs that stalk adulthood.

Being bullied may lead to hurting others. It can lead to hurting oneself, maybe engage in self-harm.

It also may lead to being more sensitive to what it feels like to be excluded, to feel like you're on the outside and not making the grade.

It can lead to being more kind, more attuned, more aware of the person hiding in the corner whose face lights up when you say, hey buddy come sit with us.

So yes, hurt people hurt.

But what comes next and later?

That varies by person, by situation, and by the choices and capabilities to find effective channels of healing.

In a simpler world, dangerous people wouldn't be charming or appealing- maybe they'd even come with a warning label. The...
08/20/2021

In a simpler world, dangerous people wouldn't be charming or appealing- maybe they'd even come with a warning label.

The people you'd hold onto, who stick closely to your heart, would be the ones who make you better. Who make you feel better, live better, and love better.

Alas, life is complicated.

Attachment is complicated, and one of the most complicated relationship predicaments is grieving a partner who wasn't safe.

There's shame, there's stigma, there's loneliness and confusion.

So much confusion.

How do you make sense of-- and make peace with-- all the contradictions?

How do you package the moments that felt nice or good, even with the fuzziness of their authenticity?

How do you let go of someone who you may wish had never been there to begin with- and how do you reconcile that if you also feel like you gained from knowing them?

When grieving an unsafe partner, it's common for people to hear from others that this person isn't worth one more second of their time and energy.

This may be true, but if you deny a needed grieving process, the suffering and trauma can be more prolonged and have more ripple effects both now and later.

So what does it mean to grieve this person?

It means to give yourself the space and permission to feel the pain and face it with gentle curiosity, even amidst judgement.

It means leaning into loss; loss of time, of innocence, of dreams, of feeling safe in the world and in yourself.

It means searching for self-compassion, scanning for a spot inside you that is kind and forgiving...that doesn't just understand why you made the decisions you did but can view yourself with love despite your imperfections.

Finding your way back to yourself- or discovering it for the first time- after an unsafe partner can be a journey with many twists and turns.

Like all grief, it can be messy.

And that's ok, normal, and part of the human experience.





Healthcare providers aren't mind readers. *xualdysfunction *x *xed *xualfunctioning *xualfunction **sm **smia ...
08/19/2021

Healthcare providers aren't mind readers.

*xualdysfunction *x *xed *xualfunctioning *xualfunction **sm **smia

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Our Story

It's not all about what our lives look like on paper; it's about how we are feeling inside. People can feel stuck for all sorts of reasons; whether it's something old or something new, there is room for healing and improvement. I feel honored to work with people on cultivating a more vibrant relationship with themselves, their loved ones, and the world around them. I work primarily with adults and see individuals and couples of various backgrounds and cultures. My specialties include: Dating and Relationship Issues Sexual Functioning and Satisfaction Body image and Sexuality Pre and Post Marital Counseling Trauma and Loss Family Conflict Anxiety and Depression Transitions and Life Cycle Events

Feel free to reach out with any questions about how I work in therapy.